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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend not replying - overthinking or being judged?

17 replies

Makethisquick · 10/10/2018 16:02

I will try to make this quick as NC implies! My friend and I were in a text conversation Saturday morning. In my last message I confided that my husband and I are separating. She knows the back story and how hard this will be because I love my husband but due to his gambling and impact on us all we can't continue.

It's Wednesday now. She hasn't replied.

I told her via text because I am ashamed. She's the first person I've told. Not even my parents know. I am ashamed for breaking my vows of forever and so worried about others seeing me as a failure. That's how I see myself.

Am I overthinking this (she's busy etc) or is she judging me?

I'm terrified that I'll have no support now in case everyone in my life judges me so haven't followed through yet and we have not even told DC. I know this sounds pathetic and you'd think I have bigger fish but I have such low self esteem it's taken ages to decide to leave that this matters.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 10/10/2018 16:09

It does sound like she's judging you to be honest, which is terrible of her.

babasaclover · 10/10/2018 16:14

Maybe she didn't get the text? It does happen. I had horrible problems with my iMessage on iPhone. Even though it said delivered it wasn't. I turned this function off.

In time I hope you can be proud of yourself for making a very very tough decision

prampushingdownthehighst · 10/10/2018 16:15

Maybe she doesnt know what to say?
If she has been a good friend I wouldn't rush to a negative conclusion just yet,though I can certainly understand why you feel hurt.

mooncuplanding · 10/10/2018 16:19

As a divorcee I can say that people are often really bad in knowing what to do when their friends split

I was really hurt by some of my friend's reactions. They really didn't want to 'take sides' but you know what, I needed it. As you do.

I don't have much more to say other than this is really common.

And you have done the right thing.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2018 16:20

No-one is going to judge your for protecting yourself and your DC.
That is your job.
Your 'D'H is the failure here!
NOT YOU!
I'd send your friend a quick follow up text asking if she's not talking to you just when you need her, and see what she says.

mooncuplanding · 10/10/2018 16:21

P.S. If you have a decent relationship with your parents, tell them. They will be on your side and more than likely horrified with what you have been enduring

mooncuplanding · 10/10/2018 16:23

I wouldn't do what hellsbells says personally.

Although it is really hurtful that this friend is unable to offer you support, you can't force her. Look elsewhere, knowing it is not you and this is really common

Harleypuppy · 10/10/2018 16:23

Maybe she doesn't know what to say? Maybe she has had a problem in her life that is consuming? Maybe she is a fair weather friend?
It's much better to split up rather than stay in an unhappy relationship. Also you meant your vows when you said them. It is impossible to be with someone who is in the grip of an addiction. You are doing the right thing, because you will hopefully have more financial security and he might see sense and get some help. All the time he doesn't accept his problems and the impact it has on his family, you cannot be expected to live with that. It's better for dcs to have two happy parents living separately than two unhappy parents trapped in a relationship that's over.
You don't need validation from anyone as you have given this decision a lot of thought. And you have made the right decision. I'll validate you!!!

Original poster

Makethisquick · 10/10/2018 16:27

Thanks everyone for the replies. I don't need anyone to take sides. In all honesty, I'm devastated because I truly believed he'd overcome the addiction one day (It started after his Mum died) and I feel so bad about saying I need to separate. He's my soul mate in every other way and I wish it wasn't happening but he's hurting us too much. I just hoped she'd offer me some support. Now I'm afraid to go through with it.

I'll digest the comments then maybe send her a text!

OP posts:

toastedbeagle · 10/10/2018 16:28

My nanny told me in a text (first of a group of 5) that she had separated from her husband... I didn't see it, as read the last couple first, asking if it was payday, which I then got distracted by, as went to pay her online.... It was only months later I commented on how skinny she was and she said "well divorce will do that" and I was gobsmacked she must have thought I was so so rude. She doesn't work for us anymore

Original poster

Makethisquick · 10/10/2018 16:32

P.S. That gives me hope about missing texts and just not reading the whole thing! I have one other friend but that's it as I'm very shy. Parents are lovely but of the 'you stay together no matter what' era.

OP posts:

babasaclover · 10/10/2018 16:51

Yes. I have tried it literally with my husband sitting next to me and it'll say delivered and he has nothing. He has he same in reverse and it's not just him, so I don't trust iMessage at all. We use WhatsApp which seems to be fail proof. Good luck to you x

Reflexella · 10/10/2018 22:47

If she did get the message (she may not have) and hasn’t replied she is a terrible friend.

This is one of those situations in life that you will sort out the real friends.

A good friend would support you in your decision

Angelf1sh · 11/10/2018 06:10

If she’s received/read the text then I also think it’s more likely that she doesn’t know what to say rather than she’s judging you. However, I think it’s pretty bad that she can’t even text back “I’m sorry to hear that, how’re you feeling?”

Original poster

Makethisquick · 11/10/2018 23:06

I decided to leave it. Still nothing. I think she must not have received it. I'm going to phone my one other friend at the weekend and if she is free to talk, tell her. It's really undermined my confidence though.

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 11/10/2018 23:12

I think I would text her sthing like, "Did you get my text? X"

At least then you'd know.

fuckedoffwithlife · 11/10/2018 23:27

Sorry to hear your situation op and your friend not responding.
I'm currently wavering in separation after 15 years of marriage due to dh and his selfish addictive nature and tendencies.
Over the years I've gone with as supported etc and held everything together but I think like you I've got to the point at the moment where actually all I've been doing is enabling his situation and confusing it with keeping everyone happy but in reality I'm no happy at all and the realisation has set in the last few weeks.
How has your dh taken the news you want to separate?
I haven't actually spoken to any friends about it as I feel until I'm 100% decided and have started the ball rolling il wait as that's when il need their support (I hope anyway )

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