Advice sought, desperate.

[OldNortonian]

Hi,

Before I start, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you in advance for any helpful replies. Im sending this as a Man who has been in a relationship for 13 years wuth my beautiful fiance and I am desperate to keep everything healthy and prosperous.

Long and short, I have three kids, have an house with my partner and a good earner. I have no debts, no bad vices, not a cheater and put my family first before friends and work.

Over time we have had lulls but we hace worked at them and got stronger. Be it deaths, redundancies, quiet spells of sex, stress, arguments etc etc. I love the bones of my partner, she looks great, very funny, considerate, caring and a doer. Recently she has put a bit of weight on but its gone onbthe right places i.e bum and breasts, i tell her she looks great all the time. I am overweight from my management job since promotion and have a receeding hairline so its not just her who is insecure about stuff but again I reassure her she looks awesome.

But weirdly, these last two months, sex has dropped right off, litwrally lays there half dead to the point I stop and dont seek sex as I would sooner not bother. She is sat on her phone constantly on the sofa, each day is monotonous and feels like a waste.

I am off at present, I hoped to wake her up amd snap her out of lull. Ive built a porch and currently ripping out kitchen for a new one. Meanwhile, she just moans at me and very little praise etc. Feels I cant do right from wrong. I have booked a night away to York to do some walking and chilling, give her a break from day to day and enjoy life for a weekend. Booked it the week before her birthday. For her birthday planned some comedy night and meal. Instead shes off to a chipendale and then a weekend away with best mate. I feel utterly dejected.

Im not one to walk away, not one to quit, not one to self pity. But I am 32, healthy, self reliant and have the rest of my life to plan. I have been with my partber all my adult life, but I feel we are 52, not 32. There is no spark romance wise, I am sick of trying now, I do days out, meals, treats etc, still dead fish or not at all. I cant remember the last time she sat next to me, kissed me and stroked hair. I just feel theres no attraction her side, chatter is trivial and time soemt together is watching tv. If kids are at inlaws, the moments never capitalised on. As I say I feel older than my years and for the last two weeks all I can think of is finishing the house for the family and then bailing in the new year if nothing changes and rebuild my life in 2019. I owe it to her and the kids to make house as good as poss and keep paying mortgage, keep them safe and sound. But I owe happiness to myself and unless she changes drastically, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Any advice or questions, please go ahead. I beg thwres that last piece of jigsaw to make everything whole. Is it me? Is it her? Is it us? Shall I continue in vain like last 18months or do I bail and give up sometbing I am proud of having?

Thank you

You've been in this relationship for 13 years. I think 2 bad months is not enough to bail. Have you asked her what's wrong? She sounds depressed.

Talk to her, she sounds unhappy/bored/ depressed for whatever reason. Communicate with her, ask her how she is feeling, don't put it all about you and your sex drive. Develop ways of being intimate without actually being in bed. Its the little things.

If she won't talk, then you need to reassess what you do.

How old are the three kids by the way? Does she get a break from them day to day? Does she work? Has she been ill at all?

Do you think their could be another bloke involved?

18months the lull as a whole, 2 months its been woeful.

She has the usual gripes, tired, kids, housework etc.

11, 7, 4 are kids ages.

She works 4 days a week.

How about you tell her all you said in your post. That's what would be expected if you went to counselling. Communication is the number one killer in a relationship. People don't feel they can tell their partner how they feel, wants, needs etc....and that's where it breaks down and resentment fits in. You're assuming she mind reads what you are thinking and feeling.
People get comfortable in a long term relationship and take things for granted. I guarantee this would a be a shock to her. But if you want things to change you need to be honest about what you're feeling. It can't get better without that.
So no, you don't just walk away because things haven't improved. You talk, communicate and then things are open. If then things don't change, think about leaving if that's how you feel. Give the chance first.

I too would say you need to talk to her directly about this face to face (not on phone) and when you have time to talk (kids not there). You need to give her a heads up that you want to talk to her about the relationship so it's not out of the blue.

Possible reasons could be illness, depression, a reaction to something you have done or she perceives you have done or - sorry to say - she could have met someone else and be having an affair.

We can't guess here.

3 kids & the youngest is 4? AND she works? I bet she works her socks off. No wonder the relationship's suffering. All relationships go through a dry(er) patch when there are young kids around. How much to you help out? I read another thread earlier where another poster put it so well. 'Connect with her emotionally & you'll have the relationship you want'. How often do you sit & talk? Do you know what's really going on for her on the inside? Do you make time to connect in small ways? Do you honestly carry your share of the home & kids?

Can I ask why you two aren't married? You've been together 13 years. You're engaged. Why delay marriage? Is marriage important to you both?

You say "I have 3 kids". Are they her kids also?

You need to tell her to put her phone down and have a talk with you. She obviously has no interest in you. Let her know it hasn't gone unnoticed that she deliberately avoids you. Maybe she's become resentful of you. Not for anything you've said or done, or haven't said or done, just that she doesn't fancy you anymore and has maybe fallen out of love. For her to choose a weekend away with friends rather than a weekend away with you says a lot. Get the kids out the way and tackle her head on. I wouldn't be giving her a heads up about a Q&A session, as this would give her time to make up excuses. Be frank and be prepared to hear things that you might not like.

Do you have support around you?
Could you go to counselling together to get to the bottom of this.
Overuse of mobile phone and her attitude now would suggest there may be another man lurking somewhere.
But then the weight gain doesn't make sense.

You need to talk.
Really talk.
You need to outline to her what you have told us.
Then you both need to go away and write what you want to say to each other.
Really get everything out there and then see where you get to from that.

But counselling with an impartial person may also help with this.