Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

More rejection - can anyone shed some light..?

15 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/10/2018 10:20

Hi everyone. First time starting a post so bear with me...
To cut a long story short, separated from my dh of 13 years 10 months ago as found out he was having an affair.
Started online dating after about 5/6 months, had a couple of dates with a couple of men then met a guy who, although I didn't think was for me after our first date, went on a few more dates with and and got to really like him. We had a lot in common, wanted to do similar things and he was keen to plan things together like weekends away, gigs, etc.
Fast forward 2 months, things seemed to be going really well, more plans made (mostly by him) for weekends away, spending time together over Xmas, etc. We just had a great weekend together then he came round (as planned) last night saying he wanted to have a chat about us and told me he feels that since SUNDAY the spark has gone a bit and he can't put his finger on it but something just doesn't feel right. In theory he feels we are the perfect match but said he needs to be honest about how is is feeling.
I appreciate the honesty and him coming to talk to me face to face but just don't understand how someone can change so quickly? He said he might get some counselling as he spilt (amicably) from his wife of 18 years in December but has never got any 'help' with processing it all and feels it might help him figure out why he feels this way about us. I told him by all means get counselling but I guess he just doesn't 'feel' it and that's ok.
He was actually in tears as he left (I wasn't) so I just don't understand!
This has brought back feelings of rejection and hurt from when my dh and I split and I just can't keep putting myself through this.

OP posts:
MrsCar · 10/10/2018 10:37

Sorry to hear that, but you've both just come out of marriages just 10 months ago, is that correct?

It sounds like things got very serious/intense quite quickly, and maybe he's after getting 'cold feet' about your relationship.. too much, too soon?

I really wouldn't take it personally. Chin up Smile

MistressDeeCee · 10/10/2018 10:42

People can and do change their minds quickly. It's harsh. But it happens.

You should still be in your 'honeymoon period' of nice times dating and getting to know each other. But he's already telling you that he doesn't feel the same.

Possibly the relationship moved forward too quickly for him, given that he's not processed feelings from his previous relationship.

But even if that is the case I think you should hear what he's saying, and move on. Do you really want to deal with the angst of will he won't he change his mind? As he's unsure, better that it's happened 2 months in as opposed to 20 months.

Sorry you're feeling rejected.

I think as women we are pre-disposed to analyse the whys and wherefores of men and relationships. But sometimes there's just no rhyme or reason and even if there is a reason - whether he's just bored or fed up or feels hang on this is moving quickly not sure I want to be in a relationship right now - if the man is no longer interested then that truly is the bottom line.

He's already giving you the 'Its not you it's me' line just 2 months in. If you are going to continue with online dating, probably best not to put all your eggs in one basket quickly. You've not known each other long - are you sure he was exclusively dating you?

Why not just focus on yourself for a little while? Just getting your head in the right place, doing stuff you like just because it makes you feel good, hobbies etc, before going for online dating again. Or even getting out there and meeting people.

You have to try to build yourself up a bit because there are people out there who will come along and just knock you down. When you've invested your all, and they actually haven't. Widen your options, and just see what happens. You'll likely have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/10/2018 10:53

Thank you and I agree with what you both say.

Yes, we both actually separated on the same day, 10 months ago. He started online dating within a couple of weeks and me in 5/6 months. I agree that it has moved pretty fast and I'm not the sort of person to usually do something like that but I was following his pace I guess. It was his idea to go away for a weekend a few weeks in and he had booked things for both of us to do up until April next year, without any prompting from me. I even said at one point "you must have a plan B or be very confident that we will still like each other"!
I have no intention of chasing him and won't be contacting him again as despite the rejection and hurt, I do have a little bit of self respect left. I am just finding it a bit hard to process as he was the one who was more keen if anything. Until Sunday apparently!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 10/10/2018 10:55

I had got myself to a good place before we met - had some counselling, done things with the kids and friends that made me happy and gave me confidence and I just feel a bit knocked again I guess.
But I am going to focus on me, the kids and my health for a while and get myself back to a good place and that not be dependant on someone else.

OP posts:
Casperandme · 10/10/2018 11:03

It’s horrible but I do think some people (especially people with anxious attachment issues) do go off people right at the point things become comfortable. The fact he says the ‘spark’ is gone is telling. He could be someone who chases the sort of spark that can never last

Casperandme · 10/10/2018 11:05

And I empathise op I really do as someone who was recently love-bombed then ghosted. I’m the same as you - I think I also need to focus on building our resilience instead

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/10/2018 11:12

Yes, I think you're probably right @Casperandme.

The sad thing is, that spark was just building for me. I never 'fall' too hard too fast as I don't think it's sustainable...seems I was right.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2018 11:17

It was just too soon for both of you.
Sorry it's happened to you.
Definitely keep working on rebuilding yourself.

Nooshoos123 · 10/10/2018 12:09

I think the fact that he started dating a couple of weeks after his marriage ended is telling - no way can he have been ready to date so soon. Be kind to yourself and try not to take this personally, it sounds like he has some work to do on himself.

Beautifulpretty · 10/10/2018 12:27

Never let them set the pace. It’s one of my new boundaries, I won’t agree to making plans weeks or months ahead because I want to see if they are who they seem to be.

category12 · 10/10/2018 12:27

I wouldn't be surprised if he had another woman on the go at the same time and has plumped for her.

Beautifulpretty · 10/10/2018 12:28

My response to future plans is “ hmm that’s a lovely idea but let’s see how things go shall we?”

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/10/2018 12:37

That’s pretty much what I said to him.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 10/10/2018 12:39

@category12 I am all to aware of the other woman in a relationship, hence the end of my marriage, but I really don’t think so with this guy. I almost wish it were because I know how to deal with that one!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 11/10/2018 10:34

I saw this this morning and it struck a chord after how I was feeling yesterday so thought I'd share...

YOU ARE NOT EVERYONE'S CUP OF TEA.

The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, no matter what you try, will simply not like you. But the world is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. The ones who love you: they are your people.

Don’t waste your finite time and heart trying to convince people who aren’t your people that you have value. They will miss it completely. They won’t buy what you are selling. Don’t try to convince them to walk your path with you because you will only waste your time and your emotional good health. You are not for them and they are not for you. You are not their cup of tea and they are not yours.

Politely wave them along and you move away as well. Seek to share your path with those who recognize and appreciate your gifts, who you are.

Be who you are. You are not everyone’s cup of tea and that is OK.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page