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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Distraught and need hand held....

19 replies

Peoplepleaser2018 · 10/10/2018 06:49

I don't know where to start. I've been married 13 years with 3 dc. My dh has suffered over the years with depression and I have supported him and tried to always be the positive happy soul I used to be. About 7 years ago I fell pregnant, I had missed my pill a few times and accept it was my fault. Against my inner core I made the decision to have an abortion in an attempt to "save my marriage" I then had counselling to come to terms with that and we then went on to have our third child who brought joy back into my life. However, I have come to resent my dh and things I tolerated about him I have allowed to eat away at me. He tells me he loves me and fancies me and that I am in his world... I truly believe he feels like that but I feel emotionally suppressed by the way he makes me feel when I want to go out with friends. Its like it's a huge hassle to him to look after the children, most times I go out I leave feeling guilty. I constantly feel that my life is about pleasing or appeasing him. I'm pretty messy and it's one of his "triggers", I find myself not wanting to tell him if I have pranged the car, something got broken etc for the drama he creates around it. I'm exhausted with it all. I feel broken and have become distant from him which he has picked up on. I then confirmed to him that I'm struggling and that I don't feel the same way about him or as strongly as I did and I don't know how to fix that.... He was devastated and the past 48 hours have been horrendous. I want to try and salvage our marriage but I keep getting waves of panic about what it would be like to leave and "destroy his life". I suggested couple counselling but he feels that he has no doubt in his mind that I am the love of his life so its for me to decide. Deep down I feel broken and can't see a way forward... I'm so damaged I don't know where to begin to fragment myself or our marriage back together.... DH says its all down to me and that he needs to know if I can regain the missing link... I tried to tell him that its a journey the 2 of us have to make together... I think I've been kidding myself that we have a future together but typing that breaks my heart and terrifies me that I am destroying our family.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 06:54

You sound utterly exhausted OP, and it’s no wonder because from what you’ve written, responsibility for everything is placed firmly on your shoulders and that isn’t fair.

I have MH issues, but I’m also aware of DP and his needs. It’s not (nor should it ever be) a get out of jail free card to absolve yourself of any responsibility or part in a relationship.

Aye, there will always be times where one partner needs the other to support them, but that doesn’t mean dragging the other person down without making any effort to help yourself.

It’s ok to put yourself first, it’s ok to need a break, it’s ok to leave if that’s what you need to do.

It very much sounds like he has checked out of your relationship and isn’t considering the pressure or impact on you. That is profoundly unfair and deeply selfish.

It’s not down to you, you’ve done all you can do. Without his effort, you cannot do any more. He needs to try.

It is NOT you destroying your family. It is his inaction.

Ems8818 · 10/10/2018 06:55

Op I’m sad to say it sounds like your husband is not a very nice man .
A partnership is based on two people if there is problems then two people need to be open to work on them .
It sounds from this that your partner malinipulates you to taking the blame for everything and refuses to acknowledge himself and his behaviours - it’s actually classic emotional abuse .
Be strong and don’t accept responsibility for everything remember “partnership” two people not just one

mrsjackrussell · 10/10/2018 06:59

It's OK saying I love you and your my world etc but actions speak louder than words and you sound like you're walking on eggshells around him.
You mentioned the abortion you had to save your marriage. Was that your choice or your dh?

Peoplepleaser2018 · 10/10/2018 07:04

I don't know what to do next.... Ive hardly slept the past 2 nights. DH tries so hard to make life easier for me, he is one of the most productive and helpful people I know but I often feel I can't keep up with his standards. He seems to have no idea that the way he treats me should impact how I feel... He thinks all the things I struggle with are "fixable" and that the issue is I nerd to find I'm my cure if I can love him fully again... He said my telling him how I feel has "rocked our family at its inner core"... I tried to tell him both of us allowed us to get to that... He started talking about the impact it'll have on his parents etc.... I keep trying to say that perhaps if we both go to counselling together and bear everything warts and all we might have a fighting chance... He says that I am unfair asking to go to counselling and giving him, "false hopes" but said if I have counselling and truly believe I can regain the connection I've lost he would consider it... Am I still being an emotional doormat?

OP posts:
Peoplepleaser2018 · 10/10/2018 07:07

I chose abortion but under the fear that I would lose him otherwise.. I am ashamed of myself for allowing it to get to that, I feel that I had to rectify that for him and that's probably why I've lost a part of me... I have made a real mess of things..

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 10/10/2018 07:11

He would consider what exactly? I think counselling for you would be helpful for you to freely pour out your own feelings, but it's OK to say that you see couples counselling as essential for you both for the relationship to continue. If he won't make that effort then why not if the marriage is so important to him?

Peoplepleaser2018 · 10/10/2018 07:16

It strange, I have written the bad stuff he said on the past 48 hours but he also said he wants me to choose to be happy and truthful and if that can't be found he understands that may be the only outcome I arrive at... But again he's still playibg the blame game back to me... He manes me feel like I am being the manipulative one... How I've "hoodwinked" him along and that all if this has come like a bolt out of the blue.... I then start all the pleading that we can make it work... I know I need to be stronger for the sake of my life and my children but right now I am really struggling and it's time to put the face on and get the kids out to school and have a day my my 3 year old at home... Not coping xxx

OP posts:
mrsjackrussell · 10/10/2018 07:25

I don't get how you've hoodwinked him.
If he really wants to save the marriage then he would agree to councilling.
He's twisting it all back on you.
Why on earth is he worried about his parents.

mrsjackrussell · 10/10/2018 07:27

Also from what you've said he's pressured you into getting an abortion you didn't want. He seems v controlling.

BlueStockingUK · 10/10/2018 07:29

Awwh, The thread caught my eye/current time.
I too been married for 13 years, Although been together for 25 years, not all roses & romance and I'm quite sure no marriage is.

I'm confident (at the minute) my husband adores me/still fancies me, but it's absolutely reciprocated, he's my best friend & love him so much I could burst. It's took a while, but after previous fall outs/arguments/rants & raves, we talk, talk, talk & talk.

I think your hubby may not realise, the changes you see and feel due to his depression and how 'this' has impacted on your emotional wellbeing. It certainly changes a person. BUT regardless of his devotion, you do need to talk about changes you both need to make to salvage your marriage.

I am wondering if due to the additional 'stepping up' you've felt you've had to do, your irritation,lack of tolerance, exhaustion,resentment,may be an indicator that you're wiped out/suffering also?

Please do tell him, he annoys you when you're out, he's not to moan about the children, it isn't fair, you need timeout, he's a drama llama, a guilt tripper and you've had enough. You're both stuck in a rut, which needs changes on both sides.

Can you get time out just as a couple? another place away from home? coffee & cake/meal/few beers and tell him how you feel. He can't read your mind and maybe you will feel better.

Please will you consider making an appointment with your GP/confide with friends about how you are feeling, you say you are so damaged and there's probably other things that may have contributed to how you feel, you need some support independently.

Delay any major decisions you feel at the minute and tell husband, you are also unwell/exhausted and have reached breaking point. What he does to change/support/care for you at your crisis point, may help in your decisions when you've had some interim support.Flowers

Peoplepleaser2018 · 10/10/2018 07:57

Thank you so much for all your responses I truly appreciate you taking the time to support a stranger. Bluestockinguk you made some very good points. I have told him when I feel unhappy about him not wanting me to go out. He usually apologises and admitted that it is because looking after the children doesnt come as naturally to him even though he's a wonderful dad. The bit I'm most worried about is the lost feeling of loving someone until you are fit to burst. At the moment I'm closer to decombusting. I am struggling emotionally but don't feel depressed or hopeless in day to day life, only about the state of my heart and relationship xxx

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 10/10/2018 08:11

I actually think counselling alone would really help you OP so take your H up on that idea. I think you should do it for different reasons to him though, he thinks you going to counselling means you accepting the blame/responsibility for everything but, if it’s a decent counsellor, I think it will help you see just how emotionally and psychologically abusive your H really is. If nothing else it will give you some time away from him (time he can’t huff about since he suggested it!) and DC and a space for you to talk and try to find a way forward for yourself. Do it, it’s the first step to regaining some strength and perspective Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 10/10/2018 10:38

Am I still being an emotional doormat?
Yes you are OP - sorry.
He sounds emotionally abusive.
Manipulative
Controlling

I also believe counselling on your own might help you.
You may be able to reconcile in your own mind, that leaving is an option.

That carrying the mental and physical load for the past XX number of years, has taken it's toll.

I would also sit down and write of list of everything you do.
Literally everything.
And then a list of what he does.

AgentJohnson · 10/10/2018 11:04

I think you need counselling on your own and only then should you consider joint counselling.

You sound lost and the toll of prioritising your H’s needs over your own has brought you here. I think your H is the last person right now to accompany you on your journey of self discovery because the dynamic you have with him has contributed to the schism.

Adora10 · 10/10/2018 11:13

No way is he a wonderful dad, he puts all the child care on you and then blames you for complaining, he's manipulative, in denial of his own shortcomings and heaping even more stress on your already stressed out shoulders, I think you need to get tougher on him OP and tell him unless he contributes to helping the well being of your relationship you are actually done with him.

Fucken ridiculous that you can't have one night off parenting or else he causes a fuss looking after his own kids, sorry but men like him make me so angry; he's not thinking of you at all, even though he fancies and loves you, yeah, as long as you play his game and don't actually have a mind of your own.

Peoplepleaser2018 · 10/10/2018 13:52

Thanks everyone, these past 48 hours feel the longest of my life. I feel weak and needy and will struggle not to just try to sweep it back under the carpet. However, I know for everybody's sake I need to get some strength and work through it xx

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 15:18

For your sake OP, you’re who is important in this. If you’re ok, your kids are ok.

Peoplepleaser2018 · 11/10/2018 07:33

Thank you everyone, yesterday was one if the worst days of my life. I had a much gentler, kinder conversation with my dh last night and he wants to try and do everything in his power to support me through this. We're going to take each day as it comes, he wants me to live the life I need to live. I'm starting counselling for me today and already feel lighter knowing I have it in my power to find myself again, I'm never going to let myself be manipulated or fake any of my feelings.... New mantra is Amazing starts with honesty. The conversations I have had with dh over the past 48 hours have been the most open and raw we have ever had so my hope is we can build on that together.

OP posts:
mrsjackrussell · 12/10/2018 21:15

Glad that you are getting through it. Hope your ok.

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