I feel like my choices are destroying my family life (Long sorry)

[tiredemma]

Had an awful evening- I dont really normally post about my relationship on here but I feel so sad, for my family- dp primarily- I think i am making him ill.

My course is a struggle, I never thought it would be easy - its so hard trying to juggle homelife/uni/placements ^and work. unfortunatly my choice of going to uni means that DP- who already has a stressful job- has to do so much more just to make things easier for us at home.

There are so many things that he has to do on top of working 11 hour days, I feel so responsible for his frame of mind, he was unwell last year with anxiety/stress and had to see the local mental health team. I can see the same signs again.

Tonight he told me how stressed he was starting to feel again, not only with work- but trying to maintain a normal balance at home for the kids while im studying/placement or at work. He told me how he cant see it getting any better as once im qualified- no doubt I will need to work somewhere that requires shift work, and again this requires us to rely on him to deal with the children ( he wasnt moaning- just concerned how he can do all this and manage his branch at work.

For a while thus evening I have seriously thought about quiting my course, I would do it for him because I hate seeing him so worn out and stressed- But I know that if I do this, i will hold it against him in the future- i just know I will- I dont want to, but it will always be there.
I ahve worked so hard so far, I love nursing- its something I know im good at but im scared that im destroying everything most important to me.

tonight i snapped and said that I could finish my course and find a job that would suit the family- and that would probably be in a bloody call centre in a shit job, miserable for the rest of my life, or alternativly - i could just stay at home and sponge of him for the rest of my life. He looked so hurt because he knows how important this is but I dont think he can cope with all of the running around etc that I expect him to do.

I dont even know why im posting this- my head tells me that doing nursing is possibly a big mistake, my heart tells me different.

bloody crying again now

Oh sweetheart.
How long until you finish your course?

two years

It would be such a shame to give up your course.
Do you have any friends/relatives that could help with childcare for a while?

I do rely on other people, such as my dad.
But he works also ( shifts) and cant always be called upon.

My mom lives too far away to help- as does dps family.

could you get any day-to-day help? an au pair? a teenager who wants to earn some cash who could do a bit of cooking/picking dcs up/help with household chores? can you do mass cooking and freezing so that you both spend less time cooking? sorry, you may already be doing all this, just suggestions off the top of my head. You already sound like you know you want to finish the course - you'd resent DH if you quit and he'd always feel guilty if you did. It's a question of cutting corners where you can. I bet your kids are very proud of what you're doing. You'll be a better wife and mother too if you are happy with your career,even if you're knackered!

A local teenager would be ideal.

a glimmer of hope for the future...district or GP practice nursing is stable flexible and family friendly and IMO the best nurses in the system (nope am not nurse but have close experience)...

Ohhhh em don't cry mate.

I am not sure what to say to you cos obviously everything you have said about the course being so intense is true, and my friend doing midwifery only today said exactly the same things as you, and she is also contemplating giving up as the uni have stopped her bursary for next year.

You cannot give up, and yeah it is easy for me to say, but you have come so far and I remember reading your posts when you finnished your access course, got into uni, got a fab placement and you love it and you are so good at it and you will make such a fab nurse.

tough love here sorry....2 years is a relatively short time to put up with this...... yuo have found something you love and not many people do that odds on if yuo gave it up you would end up severly depressed also. Is there no other job dh could do to help himself,I fit all went tits up for him,jobs, health ,etc at least you would have a great job in 2 years time to fall back on. Its not all call centre eitehr, gp practice, extended roles in the community, specialist nursing, private sector!!1
good luck, it is hard, but you deserve to be happy too

really cannot afford any kind of help, I work a night shift after being at uni/placement all day just so that I can afford to pay for childcare. HAve no spare money at all really.

We are not poor, but have no extra cash to pay for any help.

good idea about frozen food though- I hadnt thought of that.

Your situation sounds v hard, but you are right to think of the future. Some one said to me today "Two incomes of £30K are better than one income of £60K." (Not suggesting these actual figures apply to you.) This is because of income tax and also because you don't then have all your income eggs in one basket, in case one of you loses their job. So could he reduce his hours or rationalise his time at work at all?

Nursing may not be as well paid as it should be, but it is a career with better potential prospects and job satisfaction than a job at a call centre.

None of this helps you in the short term. Maybe you could look together at your lifestyle and see what can be changed to save time/sanity? Eg get a cleaner, perhaps paid for by giving something else up.

Keep bearing in mind that when you finish your course, you will no longer be doing your course... just a job. So things will be better, remind your DP of that.

the past three years since i started my access course has flown, I know that the next two yrs will fly by also.....but I just cannot see past next week.

I can struggle with uni- work etc, I may be tired but nothings easy. Seeing DP so low and stressed tonight has made me feel a bit selfish for expecting everyones life to change just for my dream.

I jst wish that there was somethng like 36 hrs in the day - not 24.

I love my Dp more than anything, he is a wonderful father and partner and it hurts to thing that im making his already stressful life worse.

Tiedmama,
Where abouts do you live? Any of us local to you?

jofeb- im in bham.

No- one local- ony nutty, im sure the last thing she needs is me to deal with aswell!!!

Its difficult to express to dp that some jobs in the NHS are family friendly. He has a friend who is a nurse who has horrendous hours and assumes that everyone works these hours.

thnaks for all your posts, its good just to know i can offload.

I know I wont give up my course, I realy need to try to make things easier, god knows how, but I will.

I'd be more than happy to help in any way you like emma, just give me a shout.

So wish i could drive, then i coud come and do you a bit of housework/childcare etc etc

Agree with these posts. I don't know how old your children are but:

a) this phase will not last forever
b) two years is endurable even if tough
c) you are sorting out a great future for yourselves and your family
d) you are providing a great example to your children - you have to work for what you want but you will get there...

How about you make a project with your DS of getting rid of every bit of expense you don't need (as in, it keeps you alive need). My list would include:

sky tv
broadband
magazines, newspapers, gyms
food bought in Pret and similar
foreign holiday expenditure

and then whatever you can cut, spend literally the whole amount on childcare and cleaning help. I'm on a hardcore money saving project at the moment (having been used to a bit of a life of riley in that respect tbh) and it's actually fine. I'm looking on it as a weird hobby. Even if you don't spend money on these things there will be other things you do spend on and if you had more help I think you'd find life more bearable.

And btw - good on ya! You should be proud of what you are doing.

thats really kind nutty- it means a lot, i know that its not easy at home for you so your post really does mean a lot.

thats such a good idea M&J- we have someholidays booked that we could well do without- next year we will have to tighten our belts, although sept my youngest goes to school so my childcare bill goes down and I can at least give up the nightshift.

thanks again

Have you gone on the local site yet, emma? You might find someone on there who could help you out a bit. I was on it for five minutes earlier on, and got some concrete results, just by people living locally.

Reading your OP made me realize just how much the world has moved on in the last twenty years ... and not for the better. To suggest that you would be sponging off you partner just by looking after your kids would have been an alien concept a generation ago.

What a lot of stress we all have to deal with.
Try to relax, be in touch with yourself, and find positive ways of making this work for you and your dp.

Can't offer much practical help, just good wishes. Though it's hard, you are not being bad or selfish by continuing your studies - you are aiming towards a better future for the whole family. Your needs do matter, you are a person. I'm sorry your DP feels bad but many people work long hours and then spend their evenigns doing childcare and housework (it's just the people who mostly do this are called "women"). When you're qualified and earning, you'll be able to pay for a bit more domestic assistance, with a bit of luck.

wonderful wonderful post margoandjerry wonderful!