Help me stay sane in my narc household until I move out!

[Scuzzlet]

Ok, so.. I have posted before about my narcissistic mother, how she favours my golden balls brother and how she has been such a bitch about me getting my first house with DP. We are both early twenties and have bought a terraced home in a neighbouring town.

Every step of the way she has turned it into something stressful and upsetting when it should be happy and exciting. She basically pulled my house to bits saying we should buy a new build, “no one fucking wants old houses I don’t know what possessed you”, basically having a big old go at me because I’m not doing what she wants me to do then runs out of the room crying saying “go away!! Stop browbeating me!!” When she is in fact browbeating me, all I need from her is support and encouragement not to be dragged down.

She said re her own house “I wish I had an older house I hate living here” to which I said “what I thought nobody wants old houses” and she replied:
“Haha, no not a terraced house in town I’m moving to I’d rather die!” How rude and nasty. I just didn’t know what to say.

I had bought a few things (nothing huge just accessories etc) and she threw a massive hissy fit saying I should have waited til I moved in to buy these things and how dare I clutter up her house with them. (DP has all the big things I just have small stuff, think candles, some tea mugs etc) she just doesn’t care. She seems to engineer a big kick off whenever things are going well for me, it’s almost as if she thinks I don’t deserve this house or deserve anything nice. It’s got me fucked up :(

Her and my dad have a trust fund set up for golden balls bro, but have nothing of the sort for me and are yet to contribute or even help us move in, they’ve in fact decided to go away for October week leaving me to struggle on.

I have around 3 weeks left until we get the keys and I fear I’m going to go round the bend, I need some uplifting words to keep me going! I can’t wait to get out but then feel guilty but the truth is my mother just doesn’t see me the way she sees my brother. I feel totally conflicted :(

I’ve got one of these . Been nc since March! Just think , only 3weeks left & if you don’t want to take her crap that day...don’t answer the door or the phone for that matter!! You’ll be fine. Onwards & upwards!! Congratulations on your new home. I like old houses too !

Oh OP.

I grew up with a narc mum and you have my sympathy. Everything you’ve written here is palpable to me. I lived it.

For what it’s worth, my mother on her deathbed told me she knew she’d been a shit mum. I felt terrible as I’d never consciously realised that UNTIL years later I had my DS and then I realised, yes. She could be fucking rotten, nasty, I was the scapegoat and to blame for everything wrong in life. My brother got into trouble with the police one time - it was all my fault apparently! The fact I wasn’t even with him or anywhere near his 15 year old delinquent self at the time was irrelevant. She lost her shit at me, totally screamed in my face. He sat on the sofa face of shame as I stood and took all of her hatred and failings...I told him he’d be ok, not to worry. He was and only got a caution.
He turned out to be just like her years later.

When you leave and start in your new home, you’ll have space to consider how to handle her.

But don’t think you’ll be off the hook. When I started to do well in my career I was suddenly mentioned all the time to her friends. Jokes started getting sent via fax to my office for me to share (put her at the centre of attention) and suddenly I could get so and so into this play, or tickets to that show! I elevated her profile so I was ok then.

The time I rang her from a phone box after being evicted at uni, I was distressed and crying on the phone and her and my brother laughed at me. She called him to the phone to listen to my distress and they took the piss out of it!

Learn in yourself how much you’re prepared to take and put up the boundaries for her awful behaviour. As a narc she’ll doubtless twist things and be a total cow.

You sound brilliant. Your own home already? hi fives

Don’t let a narcissist mum ruin a good life. Had I known then what I do now, if I’d realised sooner that she was the problem - like you have, acknowledged with your mum then I would have saved myself an awful lot of hurt.

She was my mother and I loved her, but she was a nasty vile cow to me a lot of the time and I thought I had to take it.

I actually didn’t.

Good luck and I hope your old house / new home (always the best) will be happy and loving.

for your mantle

You’re never going to get what you want from this woman-has to be a heartbreak to hear this shit continuously but you’ve got to either 1) Lower expectations 2) ignore what she says 3) go no contact with her. Perhaps you can find someone else/mother figure elsewhere? Maybe you can volunteer somewhere with senior citizens? It’s horrible when you have a narcissistic parent ain’t it? My father fit into that category most of my life but now has dementia.

It is fucked up but she's actually jealous of you, you should pity her or better still once you get out, keep a good distance.

Don't be relying on her to help you, it's good she will be out the picture, get someone nice and kind to help you instead!

I don't understand how a parent could be so cruel to be honest. Has she ever even tried saying why your brother has a fund but you don't? Glad you're moving out soon though

If it is just for 3 weeks, I would be out as much as possible and smile, nod and ignore the rest of the time.

You can't change her, it is about coping strategies and as it is just for 3 weeks, that would be my tactic (and is my tactic everytime I have to see my narc mother).