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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel insulted

43 replies

SnakePit · 13/06/2007 20:25

My boyfriend constantly seems to insult my house, like he'll come in and say "wow it's tidy" and things like that, he laughs it off and I don't think he realises that it upsets me but surely anyone else would?

A few weeks ago he was rummaging around in the drawer and said "I'm looking for a knife...or should I say i'm looking for a clean knife" I have told him before that I find it a bit insulting but he says I'm being too sensitive.

On sunday he wanted to pour a drink and went into the cupboard, picked up a glass and said "here's a glass...actually you might want to wash it as it's filthy" (it wasn't).

I wouldn't mind but he has told me his own house is a pigsty and he doesn't have kids as an excuse for untidyness.

So am I being too sensitive or is he out of order?

OP posts:
SnakePit · 13/06/2007 20:54

Desiderata you don't have to read my posts, I know you're probably sick of hearing about him but its the little things that make me wonder, I just want to make sure I'm not being too over sensitive about things. I seriously can understand your frustration but believe it or not it really helps me to read that I'm not being OTT about things, my friends don't want to know (and not because I've bored them to death with it, they're just too busy slagging their families off to listen).

It helps me, if people would prefer me not to post then I will stop but surely you don't need to read if you're bored of it?

I appreciate every reply and piece of advice I have recieved on this site, even if it doesn't seem like I do and I'm sorry if you think I'm messing around, it's not my intention to irritate or offend anyone.

OP posts:
AbRoller · 13/06/2007 20:54

well unless you're not painting the full picture I'd say you know what to do - he is a total fucking asshole.

Get rid

TheArmadillo · 13/06/2007 20:56

I agree with others - get rid.

The longer you stay with him the more he will damage your self-esteem and the harder it will be to leave.

Do you want your ds to think that is an appropriate way to treat you?

Carmenere · 13/06/2007 20:57

I think I know where Desiderata is coming from. There is a regular poster on mn whose initials are LT who has a fuckwit of a 'partner' who she allows to shag her and scab off her and basically she parents him.
Snake pit may or may not be the same person(I'm guessing she is) so it is a bit frustrating to be giving the same advice for the past , oh let me see, 8 months.
that said if this isn't the same poster, the advice remains the same, get rid of the idiot.

SSSandy2 · 13/06/2007 20:57

well I don't know if she wants to end the relationship. Maybe some strategies to try and change it are what she's after?

How long have you been together?

Desiderata · 13/06/2007 20:58

Lizzylou - I respect your judgment of my post. I was expecting someone to respond!

Snakepit - you're quite right. I don't need to read the posts. I'm just concerned that it's not going anywhere.

All the supportive posts you've had (and I've been amongst them) have told you to get rid of this silly man.

From what I can gather, you live in your own home, you're not married to him, and you have full custody of your children.

So, unless you are in physical danger from him (and I sincerely hope you're not), I don't understand why we keep going round in circles over this.

He's crap, so get rid of him.

SnakePit · 13/06/2007 21:00

Been together around 3 years, at the moment I have alot of other "stress" on too which is why I feel maybe I over react on stuff, I don't know but I too see where Desiderata is coming from, I would feel the same if a person kept going on and on without changing anything but it's harder when you are that person.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 13/06/2007 21:23

Thank you, snakepit. It was difficult to say what I said without sounding harsh, and I wouldn't want you to discontinue posting.

I just want you to get rid of the man

It might be good to join in on one of the BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR OPEN threads occasionally, or dip your toes into another topic.

As a mum of two children, you probably have a lot of experience which other mums might be in need of. It would be good to see you on other threads. MN can be a bit of snakepit itself , but you might gain in a little confidence if you spread your wings a bit on here.

Carmenere · 13/06/2007 21:28

What you have to ask yourself is why you are allowing yourself to be a)insulted and b) convinced that you are being over sensitive.
YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF ALONE, HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, HE IS USING YOU, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, HE IS BAD TO HAVE AROUND YOUR CHILDREN, HE IS TEACHING THEM THAT IT IS OK TO TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT.
I don't say these things lightly.

Desiderata · 13/06/2007 21:32

So, so true, Carmy. One of the issues here is your children. If they're exposed to a man who treats you like shit, when they become adolescents, they're going to make canon fodder out of you.

Honestly, from what we've heard, he's a prick.
What's attractive about that ...

SnakePit · 13/06/2007 21:47

I will start to join in the other topics

My 8 year old said to me last week "how come D never helps you around the house and leaves packets and empty cups everywhere?" so even he knows the score.

I still feel stuck with this bloody holiday.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 13/06/2007 21:48

your self respect is not worth sacrificing for the price of a holiday

madamez · 13/06/2007 22:53

He's not just a prick, he's an abuser. And he's going to get worse, not better. SOmeone who systematically works on your self esteem is (consciously or not) trying to control you, make you dependent, make you unable to function properly. This sort of constant verbal chipping away will, if you let it, escalate to isolating you from family and friends and then, quite probably, towards beatings.

Dump him.

KerryMum · 13/06/2007 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 13/06/2007 23:13

oh sp, you've got to trust yourself. you are worth something and your opinions do matter. you need to get some self-confidence back, and enough strength to ditch this guy. i think you know deep down that you have to otherwise you wouldn't keep asking us.

catsmother · 13/06/2007 23:18

Snakepit/Lifesteeth ..... here you are again. I don't know what to (keep) say(ing).

I am torn between typing something rude and horrid like "oh FFS, either put up and shut up, or actually bloody DO something about this loser" ......

..... but, on the other hand, I don't really want to do that because I figure that someone who repeatedly writes about her "partner's" faults, appearing to fully recognise that they are faults (very serious ones), as opposed, say, to someone with their rose tinted glasses on, must, have incredibly low self-confidence to continue to endure such a total lack of respect and consideration towards them. And obviously, I find that very sad indeed.

But ..... I will say - in the hope that if enough of us keep saying it for long enough, it might eventually prompt you to do the right thing - that Mr Halfords (where apparently the staff NEVER get bank holiday leave etc) is a complete and utter waste of space tosser and, unless you have done something very bad indeed in a past life, you do NOT deserve this. He's a liar, he belittles you - probably to make himself feel like Mr Big - wow, that's so impressive and mature, he's a selfish, whingeing, whining bastard, and a tight one at that. He dares to criticise you yet is happy to sponge off a single mother whose spare cash and emotional energy should be going towards her children, not this fucking joke of a man who has no conscience, no backbone, no integrity, no manners, no shame and no kindness within him.

If not for yourself, then please please please get rid for the sake of your kids. Do you want them to grow up believing this is how women should be treated ? Do you think it's right that the little money you have props this sad bullying little mummy's boy up when it could be spent treating the children instead ?

How you can think of going on holiday with him now is beyond me ...... maybe you think he'll be different in different surroundings, but he won't be, and somehow, it'll feel even worse, because, after all, holidays are "supposed" to be relaxing, and the stuff from which happy memories are made. Why can't you have a holiday on your own, with the children ? I bet ...... in light of all your posts about him failing to meet deadlines re: paying for the holiday, that you end up subbing him to a greater or lesser degree. And that means, swings and roundabouts style that your children will go without.

Do you think that without him you won't meet anyone "better" ? ..... if so, then that is so sad. I mean, let's face it, almost anyone would be better than him for a start - and actually being on your own for that matter and not having to suffer the indignity and injury of having the piss taken out of you on a regular basis (both literally, from tonight's post - and metaphorically with his general behaviour) would be a hundred times better than the perpetual shit you're putting up with.

babyblue2 · 14/06/2007 09:54

After reading some of the other posts it actually sounds like you enjoy receiving people's sympathy, perhaps it makes you feel worth something, to know that all these 'people' (mumsnetters) support you. Either get rid of him or just deal with it. If i see your posts again i will ignore them, unless its about a totally different topic.

MummyPenguin · 14/06/2007 10:04

He sounds like my Sister's boyfriend. They're always on the verge of splitting up. He is totally controlled by his Mother too, and she actually sides with his ex-wife! I think my Sister would rather be with him than not be on her own though. She was on her own for a long time, and I think she's got used to being in a relationship again and doesn't want to lose the 'coupley' thing. I don't know. He was sending me texts the other day saying that she'd dumped him blah blah. Then he asked me not to tell her that he'd texted me. He eventually told her himself, but then sent me another text saying "you'll probably get a call (from Sis) just deny it." (that he'd been texting me, presumably.) WTF.

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