DH unhappy and resentful

[bambamoozled]

We've been married 5 years, together for more than double that. We have a primary school age child, I'm a SAHM

DH claims he is miserable because he "never gets to do what he wants to do". Baring in mind, last weekend he spent the whole day doing precisely what he wanted to do, he regularly goes off for whole weekends to do his hobby, and the TV is on whatever he wants once our kid is in bed.

DH has been moping around for a little while - I've been busy with a social project, but he knew the timescale and intensity of it when we jointly agreed I could do it. We moved to a new area a few years back for his work so I gave up literally EVERYTHING - my job, being near family and friends etc. - but to avoid being totally isolated I joined a social group. He was on board, because I'd spent most of the first 2 years of our kids' life being incredibly lonely (none of our friends had kids at the time) and this seemed a great way to make some new local friends. He's got a few work mates, and friends through his hobby, but no one locally he'd go out for a drink with (although I've been encouraging it, because everyone needs a break)

I think he's just resentful of the project, though he claims it's not me causing the problem. He's had to have a break from his hobby due to me being needed there for a few hours at a weekend until the current project is done. I've already said I'm taking a break from it once its finished (which is by the end of the month)

I'm livid with him for saying it tbh. He started going away for a weekend for his hobby again when our little one was only a few weeks old, and it was at least monthly for a long while. It's cost us so much money over the last few years that we've not had any family holidays or days out (my project doesn't cost us a penny...)

Am I being mean to be angry with him?

Being openly angry isn’t productive, but saying you understand how he feels because for the last few years you’ve not had any time to peruse your needs when he has is more so.

You can remind him his hobby is only on hold short term whilst he’s had the freedom you haven’t had u to this project same up. Also remind him that whilst the end of the project is near, it’s gern good to remind you that you’re in need of as much you time as he gets for him.

Sounds like there is plenty of resentment from your side too OP. Perhaps this needs a proper discussion between you both to work through the underlying issues.

NO, you sound like a saint, he sounds like a selfish entitled inconsiderate pig; I don't know how you live like that, playing second fiddle to his wants and needs, a relationship should be give and take, each having each other's backs, encouragement and support; it's all about him with you constantly making sacrifices for your own well being to suit him; sorry but I would be telling him to take an active role in parenting his child and allow me to actually have some me time.

@Hopoindown13

I am a little resentful - I don't mind the move, because I've made some wonderful friends through the social group that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I'm more hurt at the insinuation that everything we do is for me, when in fact, this project takes up a few evenings a week (when kid is asleep) and the odd few hours at the weekend, and the rest of the time I spend looking after the house and our kid.

Sounds like you've made all the sacrifices so far and he has got used to that status quo.
I would keep building your own social network and ignore the miserable one.

I wouldn’t ignore him. His thinking needs to be challenged.

How much time has he had for him, what have you had to give up that’s yours?

This needs correcting otherwise things won’t improve. You weren’t put on this earth to facilitate his life not being affected so much just because he’s now a father!

@Joysmum

He often has full weekends when he goes out at 5am and it's back until little one is in bed - at least one a month/6 weeks. He's stopping over in hotels too, so not always back. It also means he has the car so we're limited as to what we can do when he's away. My family aren't local at all now (as they were before) so I can't just go and pop in on them, or see if they'll have little one for a few hours so I can have a bit of a break. It is easier now little one is at school, but I'm also trying to set up my own business, so it's not like I get a lot of "me time" during the day either.

I wont ignore him, we're usually pretty good at talking stuff out, but he really, really wound me up with the "never" statement. I've been asking him to find something that he can do with our child (because when I'm out at the weekend they just sit there watching the telly), and now he's running off on an idea to do something that he wants to do that our little one potentially might be a bit interested in, but that involves spending even a large sum of money (that we don't have...) and is definitely more for him than our child.

Think I'm cross that he's making it out to be my fault. It was a huge thing for me to pick up the courage to join this social group, and it's the first time since our little one was born that I've got adults to talk to about something other than parenting.

What a crap parent, hardly has his child and when he does he sits there watching TV, he sounds like a big child OP. You talk like your sole responsibility is to take care of the child you both made; he seems to think he trumps anything you would like to do, I really think he needs a reality check, you need to forge a life for yourself too, he is a parent!

In which case state that if he ‘never’ gets time for him, it won’t affect him when you make a point of matching his me time in future.

Sounds like he’s used to getting all of his own way in your marriage? Now you are getting some of what you need then he’s got the groans. I’d be totting up the hours he’s had out and showing him the comparison

Gently pointing out the time he's spent on his hobby in the past might help.

Is he one of those men who think being a sahm is easy therefore you won't need a break but somehow finds looking after his own child 'work' when he has to do it?

I'd knock up a couple of pie charts. One showing time spent doing hobbies and one on money spent doing hobbies. Ask him to repeat his 'never' complaint whilst holding up the chart showing that he has the largest slice of the pie.

I would be asking him who died and made him king. His actions here are all about power and control. Controlling men also like making out that its their partner's fault too; its never their responsibility. Controlling behaviours too like this are also abusive in nature.

When is this man ever home anyway. Between his work and his all encompassing hobby (what is this) when is he ever at home?. He wants you and your child here to be all about him; you are both expected to fit in around he and his myriad of wants and needs.

He never wanted you to actually have a life of your own outside the home and that is why he is resentful. The move closer to his work was likely to be all his doing, he did not and does not care that you gave up a lot to do that.

Look at his parents too OP; one or even both of them likely act like this as well so such is deeply ingrained within your DH. Such men as well do not change.