Anybodys parents divorced when they were adults?

[lulumamasmentee]

Hi All

I'm not really sure if this is the right place for this but just wanted to put it out there and see what others experiences were.

Basically I have just found out that my parents (married for 26yrs) have decided to get a divorce. I've got to admit that i am finding it really hard to deal with.

All I can really remember from growing up is how they used to fight and argue CONSTANTLY we would come home from school just praying they wouldn't be arguing again and it only got worse as we grew up. It was one of the mail reasons why I moved out so early becuase it just got to much to listen to. I just don't understand why they would stay together for all those years and make us listen to that shit and then finally divorce after we had all left home. I would of loved them to get divorced when I was a child in fact my sisters and brothers used to talk about it all the time.

But other than feeling angry at them for this I feel that they are putting us in the middle and talking about each other to us because they feel that as we are adults it's ok.

I think i'm just rambling here, but just wanted to see if anybody else had any experiences of parents getting divorced when they were older or ways to deal with it.

Thanks for reading

Hiya

My Dh's aprents plit 2 years ago, after 35 years of marriage (40 years together), he left her for another women.

I think he did try to leave her several times (actually did once) but kept coming bcak- BIL reacted poorly each time and he didnt want to hurt the boys. Which ultimately is why he stayed until he did- he gave up on BIL ever leaving home (he's 30's now ansd still there) and ahd to make his move

Hi
My parents split up when I was 23 - they'd been together for 25 years and I too found it incredibly hard to deal with. My parents had also rowed and argued constantly throughout my childhood, but it didn't stop it being very painful when it turned out my Dad had been having an affair since I was 8 years old and had finally decided to leave my Mum and be with her.

This was all 15 years ago and he now has 2 more children - my half siblings.

I was in the middle of it all when it happened - I'm the only member of my family to still be in touch with my Dad and until this all happened I was very close to my Dad and had a very difficult relationship with my Mum. This all changed - I now live down the road from my Mum, am very close to her, and my Dad lives 200 miles away and I see him once or twice a year. My brother has never spoken to him since he left - my brother was 18 at the time.

The thing I'm still cross about is that Dad leaving wrecked my family make up and now I've got children I'm gutted that they haven't really got him as a grandad - they know him but don't see him often enough for him to be a proper part of his life. And he'd make a brilliant grandparent, but of course is still in the middle of being a parent with a 13 year old and 10 year old.

I think whatever age it happens, it's really tricky and families splitting up affect everyone of every age in it.

Mine split 6 years ago after 32 years of marriage. My father had an affair with a woman they had both been friends with for years & years.

The woman's husband died so dad went to help her some evenings & one night when mam was staying at my sisters house, he stayed over

It was awful. Mam had her suspicions & my brothers & BIL followed dad & watched where he went every night, on the pretence that he was for bingo

Anyway, looking back, it was for the best. he had the worst temper & treated mam like shit. I had been telling her to leave him for years. He isn't a nice man.

But, they now live seperately, near eachother in different houses & dad drives mam everywhere as she can't drive.

It was/is so hard to deal with. Being a grown up woman who has to listen to her mam howl her heart out every night... then she said it was always worse when she woke in the morning & the bed was empty. My mam talked to us about dad, but, tbh, no-one spoke to dad for months.... things are a little better now. He denies anything happened with the woman & the woman said nothing happened either, but we'll probably never know.

Dottydot, that sound very hard for you. No affairs here, but I just find it very hard listening to them talking about their new lives (DM has started going out at weekends and DF seems to be working all hours to pay the bills etc and seems really lonely at home etc) it seems like such a huge adjustment. I have told them I don't want to get in the middle because at the moment my sis and brother have sided with DF as it was DM that finally left and everybody has turned on her.

It's all such a bloody mess I really wish they had thought the whole staying together for the kids thing through because it really doesn't work.

Reading all these posts makes me think it really isn't any better when you do it, if your kids are small it must be horrible and if your older then you are expected to take on the details get involved etc which presumably parents don't expect their lo's to do.

How crap all round

hi lulusmama. my parents split when i was 23 and they'd been together 34 years. In a way I saw it as helpful, as i'd always at bottom thought their weird relationship was normal, and finally i could say 'yes that was awful and not the way relationships should be'. didn't stop me acting it out completely in my first marriage .

For years and years I completely refused to discuss either parent with the other. If they even mentioned the other parent I would simply fall silent, or at most say 'mmm' with dropped eyes until they shut up. If it bothers you to talk about it with them then DON'T. I don't care how dysfunctional it is, it's much worse to have to talk about it with them.

There have been a few silver linings in the years since, such as realising that seeing them together for the last ten years or so of their marriage was horrible, and i don't have to put up with that any more; my mum is sooooo much happier; and after a long long period of being really very miserable, my dad has found a slightly better life and in some ways I respect him now, when I really had so little respect for him before, he really was abject sometimes in how badly he behaved. I have some kind of relationship with him, which didn't exist before, I just shut him out and talked to my mum.

But you know all this. I really think, though, that it is less destabilising to deal with it as an adult. I was talking to my mum about it a few days ago and she asked if I thought it would have made a difference for them to split earlier. TBH I think the main difference for me would have been that I probably would have no relationship at all with my dad, and that would be a sadness.

Sorry to go on so much. I really feel for you. Be very careful about making any major decisions right now. And really do try not to get sucked into stuff that you do not deserve to deal with. Just literally walk out of situations if you have to, and keep the kids away if they can't be trusted to keep things civilised.

Bury those emotions! it's our birthright as Britons!

Yes keep out the middle, and be eprpared for them to lsoe it a bit.

MIL was well recognised as evil MIL before hand anyway but afterwards she got really nasty- told the kids (and DS2 was 3 at the time) FIL had jit her, on an occasion DH was there and he hadnt. She aslo tried to ban Dh from seeing hid dad ever, and when he did disinherited Dh and the kids, and wont now speak to us exvcept a yearly abusive phone call- we last saw her Christmas 2005.

FIL we are firneds with and we like his new partner, but rarely see thema s he is so wrapped up in his new life. It seems to bus that caught the blast sadly.

I have told them both that I will not talk about the other person with them as I just cannot take the stress at the moment (32wks pregnant . But they both seem to just ignore it, my DM started telling me about something he had done and I said to her look I really don't want to know, she just went silent and then rushed in with "oh I know but just let me tell you this one thing etc etc etc" and DF is just as bad.

I think the overriding feeling is sheer anger at all the awful fights we had to listen to just for them to end up getting divorced anyway.

my mum died when i was little. dad remarried when i was 8, they were together 22years and have been seperated 2 years. we had to listen to years of arguing, screaming & worse. i was releived when they went their own ways. for the last few years before they split i kept my kids out of the way because i would never want them to hear & see the things we did. i refuse to get caught up in the middle of it now & when one starts ranting about the other i just say i dont want to know.
try not to get caught up in the scoring points crap

My besta dvice si when hey try to pull you in, calmly satte that you love both your parents and leave the room for a few minutes. Repeat this adult version of time out utnil they get the message!

Maybe blow up at her? (own medicine etc). Say you spent your whole childhood listening to them fighting and you are NOT now going to be a sounding board for either of them.

As nobody ever says anything about anything in our family, this would cause total silence for about a year.

The anger is hard to deal with. I wonder if you might find some counselling helpful, just as a short term thing, not endless therapy. Maybe try the GP?

Hello, my parents split up when I was an adult. I REALLY think it would have helped if THEY had had counselling - perhaps you could encourage your mother to take this route? That would enable her to have another (more appropriate) sounding board.

I agree with other posters - it will be hard for them for a few months/years, be prepared for them to go a bit loopy, but after a while it will settle down. My parents have much better lives now.

I was 25 when my parents split up and although I dont like to talk about anyone on here as Im no longer anonymous but I dont think it gets any easier the older you get but ten years down the line Im quite glad it happened in lots of ways - I feel my mum got a release - although it didnt feel that way at the time

I also felt quite hard done by. When I was little and they were together, I couldn't tell anyone about how hard it was to see them fighting, as I couldn't "blab" about their relationship, so I had no help or support. When they split up, everyone assumed that it wouldn't affect me as I was an adult, so I had no help or support.
My parents also tried to tell me everything, I think that they both wanted me on their side. In the end I had couselling that helped me separate myself from them and their lives. I still love them both (in fact probably more now that they're not driving me nuts!), but I don't let them drag me into their problems. If they have difficulties, I fell sorry for them, but I know that they're adults and it's up to them to sort it all out.
Sounds as though there are a lot of us out there, I'm certainly feeling comforted by this thread!

My parents split last year after 36yrs of marriage. It was weird but I can't say totlaly unexpected.

My parents are also divorcing after quite a few years of marriage, I am finding it harder now and as Father's day approaches not sure whether to buy him a present, he wasn't the best dad and did nothing for me and my brother when we were small and father's day cards seem very hypocrytical in my opinion sometimes.

My dh seems to be the same too, won't spend time and be a 'new man' with our youngest 5 yr old, never changed a nappy either and I feel its going the same way. I am the one who takes ds swimming and to ffotball training every Saturday even after going out friday night!

mum2luke i do know what you mean. All those 'Best Dad in the World' cards would just be ludicrous.

I send mine a tasteful view of a stately home or something and a picture of ds. To remind him what he looks like though it's not really his fault that he sees so little of him.

my parents split after 25 years. They never had the perfect relaationship, nothing in common and my mum finally left him.

I have also found it hard to get my head around and nobody ever thought i might have been upset as i was 23. tbh i thought i was being juvenile having the feelings that i did so i kept quiet. now i see it's normal!

i feel like my kids were cheated out of their grandparents as everything changed when they split up and my dad hardly sees them now.

My parents decided to split uo about the day that itold them I wa preggers with dd1.

TBH, I don't know hoe they lasted that long (26years) as they always argued and shpouted at eacj othwee.

I think they were waiting for my younger sis to finish her degree etc.

Hi lulumama,

My parents split when I was 15 so not really an adult but they were the same as yours as in they were constantly arguing, my mum used to say allsorts about my dad and I used to fantasise about them divorcing. That was nearly 20 years ago and the anger and hatred my mum feels towards my dad is still very intense. I think you are a right to make a stand and tell them you do not want to be caught in the middle of it all. I wish I had done that 20 years ago. Instead I have to listen to my mum badmouth my dad, until recently used to lie when I was going to see him so she wouldn't get upset, pretended I hated my stepmum etc.

My mum is not even coming to my wedding in September because I have also invited my dad. I really wish I'd realised a long time ago that it's not my fault and it's not my responsibility to play go-between. Enjoy yout pregnancy and your new baby and don;t let them drag you down - they did enough damage when you were a child - don;t let it continue now. Best of luck xx

Lulu my parents split when I was 23. Not surprised but I don't think that my age made it any better.

My dad had decided to let me finish my education first. Very nice but it didn't help my education much that they were fighting constantly and home was such a miserable place for years.

Read an interesting article about older people who's parents divorced and it suggested that they treat us like their parents. I've certainly found this to be true.

You've got your pregnancy to think of. Refuse to be in the middle.

A few years down the line things will look different