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Original poster

To separate or not??

18 replies

Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 13:31

This is my first post please be kind :)
I’m 35 weeks pregnant with my first unplanned baby, so excited and so is boyf. Wasn’t always like this we’ve been together less than a year and he wanted an abortion which I didn’t go through with (he seemed to know some private clinic we could go and he’d pay for)
Recently found out his ex he was with 2 years ago who he always calls psycho and doesn’t evaluate got pregnant twice in the space of a year they were together and had 2 subsequent abortions, he then dumped her.
Now I know it’s in the past and nothing to do with me and everyone has a past but it’s really hit a nerve that could easily have been me and making me question the whole relationship/who he is.
This girl has mutual friends and recently he’s been worried she’d try to contact me which I was confused about, now I know why.
The poor girl obvs wasn’t psycho just left at the worst time possibly
Would you stay with him?
Would you confront him before/after the birth?
Would you give the baby his surname?
Would you try and forget what you’ve found out?
Any advice please

OP posts:
Emma765 · 09/10/2018 13:33

He sounds irresponsible and unpleasant to be honest. How is he with you in general?

GreenLantern53 · 09/10/2018 13:36

tbh you will probably end up as a single mum either way.

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 13:42

Before I found this out I thought he’d had quite a none adventurous past, late bloomer (mid 20’s now) very family orientated, felt safe and his family have all welcomed me. He’s also moved into my home and every day makes me feel like he adores me

OP posts:
Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 13:43

Appreciate the feedback could you say why u think this?

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 09/10/2018 13:45

Do you know he forced her into this? She may have not wanted children either? I think it's quite an assumption - many women have abortions by their own decision.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/10/2018 13:46

They 'pyscho' thing is a huge huge red flag.
What's he like in normal every day life?
I think you'll end up being a single mum so for the love of god, do not, I repeat DO NOT give your DC HIS surname.
Keep it as yours to save any future issues (which there will be)

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 13:53

No I don’t know that he forced her, you’re right that’s an assumption on my part purely due to his reaction with me when we found out I was pregnant.
He’s not once walked out we’ve never had an argument and I’ve known him briefly through friends for 3 years prior. Before this I would’ve said we were the happiest, most in love couple of our friends (rose tinted glasses)
I totally get that about the surname and when I have mentioned previously about surname he says I’ll have that name one day
He’s away for a week so I have this time to get my ducks in a row before he’s back I just wish I knew which way to go

OP posts:
ree348 · 09/10/2018 14:07

You should confront him and get his version of the story.

I think you should be wary but by the sounds of it he sounds very committed to you.

Also why does he have such a history of unplanned pregnancies?! Surely you would learn you lesson the first time around?

Make your judgments about how he is with you NOW and not how he was like in the past. However at the same time be wary.

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 14:25

Thank you so much. I’m trying to think rationally and not give in to the pesky hormones and also put our son first before anything so really appreciate all the feedback

OP posts:
Emma765 · 09/10/2018 16:12

You say you've never argued. How did the conversation go when he asked you to get a termination and you refused?

boredmum18 · 09/10/2018 16:30

Whatever else you decide op please give the baby your surname. If you do end up marrying him you can change both yours and the child's surname if you choose. "You'll have the same name one day" holds no weight with me. If he wants you all to share a surname, he can marry you now before the baby is born

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 17:01

Emma765 sorry I don’t know how to add individual names to reply to
When I told him I wasn’t going for the termination (it was booked in) he asked how sure I was I wanted to continue the pregnancy the evening before I was due to go, then the next morning said he couldn’t “do this”. We were going out to visit my friends so I told him I was going to continue to get ready and he could have a think whether he wanted to come with me still as a couple or go home (didn’t live with each other then) and call it quits. He came to my friends party and an abortion was never mentioned again

OP posts:
Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 17:05

He came to the 12 week scan and after that it became real, called it amazing and he’s been excited since

OP posts:
Emma765 · 09/10/2018 17:16

And he's genuinely lovely in other ways?

Did you ever talk about why he wanted you to get an abortion, other than you hadn't been together long.

Sounds like he didn't treat his ex well at all, but I think a lot of people wouldn't necessarily be proud of how they've behaved in a past relationship and doesn't necessarily mean he can't change. It is concerning he took control and tried to get you to abort, but it seems he accepted it easily when you refused and to give him his dues he's stuck around.

If it were me, I'd play it by ear and be very vigilant to any controlling behaviour. Just see how things go. I suspect when the baby arrives his true colours will show either way.

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 17:30

Genuinely lovely in every other way, when he asked me how sure I was I wanted to keep it and I said 99.9% he said that’s all he wanted to hear. Then the next day he had that moment but nothing since. He’s done the nursery, moved in together he said he wants us to be a proper family and set up an isa to pay in £100 a month for when our sons 18
I’ve been brought up in a broken family so wouldn’t want that for my child however I’m also as independent as can be and wouldn’t be afraid to walk away, I know it can be done.
I think you’re right as soon as the babies born I’ll know. Would you confront him about his past before then?

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 09/10/2018 17:35

I would be worried. He saw his ex go through 2 terminations within a short space of time. Clearly that hasn't taught him to use contraception properly and he expected you to have an abortion too. He appears to have a pretty cavalier attitude to creating life and then expecting the women to clear up after him. That doesn't sound to me like someone who is caring about the welfare of his partners.

Puddington · 09/10/2018 17:44

I think TwistedStitch may have a point, if I had already had two unplanned/unwanted pregnancies with an ex I feel like I'd be using every contraceptive method available until I was 100% sure that I was ready for a baby, it's a bit worrying that he seems relatively carefree about that even though he didn't really and truly want a child yet. I think Emma is right though that ultimately either way you'll see what he's really like when the baby is here, I hope he has learned from the past and will be a decent guy now x

Original poster
Flygirl94 · 09/10/2018 17:50

Thank you. I think I’m definitely going to have to say something when he’s back to get his side and see his reaction I know i couldn’t keep it to myself and also not give the baby his name
You’re all right completely, all different points but all right

OP posts:
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