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Original poster

I wonder why he appears to be a better father/partner 2nd round?

24 replies

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 13:01

I am just having a curious moment as just now I drove past exDP who was also driving. He is the father of my 2 teenage D.C.

He works about 1/4 mile from my DC’s school (both secondary and primary which are located close together) and he has worked there for 20+ years. I work in varying locations not always the same place but have done the School drop off and pick ups all by myself for over 10 years.

We split up when my D.C. were 3 and 5 so this was 10 years ago. Aka their entire school life

During the entire lifetime of the D.C. pre split and after he has never taken one day off work to care for them on inset or for sickness, picked them up or dropped them off to school (unless is his own contact day and even then this is not consistent and very rare). He would and has shouted at me if I made any suggestion or request over and above what he sees as his job for the kids and my job - which is 90% of everything. If I was stuck at work he would just say he can’t leave as he wouldn’t get paid.

But he has a new child now with his current partner and I know he has been working flexibly in shared parenting, taking time off work (which is probably why he drove past me today in the middle of the day). Last time I asked him to pick up one of our sick children from school on a weekday, he refused as he had his other child at home Confused. He takes his own small D.C. out frequently buying toys and clothes but he’s never done that with our D.C., even before small lo was born or if they are present when he does it. He supports his partner when she is working part time by having the LO frequently. He would not do this for me

AIBU for feeling baffled why my D.C. got a completely different father?

OP posts:
Foreverexhausted · 09/10/2018 13:49

No you're not BU. My friend was in your shoes, her DH left when her children were about 5 and 12, he stopped all contact with his children and never financially supported them despite several court orders. He then went on to remarry and have another two children and was a completely different father to those children UNTIL....he did the same thing again! He has left his second wife and children (primary age), and simply upsticks and moved on. I guess i"m trying to say it may not last. He may not have changed.

TheFaerieQueene · 09/10/2018 13:56

Appearances can be deceiving. I doubt he has changed in any fundamental way. He might do some childcare in this relationship but I’ll bet there are other areas where he is a total arse. Leopards and all that.

JessieLemon · 09/10/2018 14:03

Some people learn from their experiences and go on to be better people.

But given that he hasn’t actually become a better father to your two DC, I am more inclined to agree with PP that it’s all show.

Or maybe it’s about the relationship dynamics? Maybe he’s older so he feels like he has to do more work to keep his (younger?) partner around? Maybe in their relationship the power balance is more in her favour whereas for whatever reason when he was with you he felt he held the power and could coast. That’s not a criticism of you at all, just every relationship is different. Maybe she wouldn’t tolerate him not giving 100%? Again, not saying you did. But maybe this time around he knows what he stands to lose if the relationship ends now he’s been through a split with you.

It’s all just pure speculation really, isn’t it? Must sting though. He is now who he was then, I’m glad you’re rid!

Alienspaceship · 09/10/2018 14:07

Ask him.

PaintingOwls · 09/10/2018 14:07

Sounds like he's rejecting you as a person and as an idea (wrt your boys). Some men are just like that: cold.

GreenLantern53 · 09/10/2018 14:10

I dont think appearances are always decieving as ive witnessed this first hand. my brother didnt bother with his older daughter yet now has 2 baby daughters and he is a good father to them but doesnt bother with his 19 year old (had her when he was young) i see how he is with his baby daughters.tbh i think its more to do with how the man views the relationship with their mothers.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/10/2018 14:13

I do think some people learn from mistakes and really do give the “2nd chance” everything they've got.

Some people love the next partner more and for that want to make it work

Some people massively grow up

I know a lady who had a baby in her early 20’s and she was a terrible mother ( not cruel as such just not interested, didn’t know how to care for said child properly) in the end the father got full custody and she barely visited by her own choice. Few years ago she at 43 had another child with a different partner and so far she has been good, really good and she says her relationship with baby1 (now a teen) was fucked long ago but this baby is her 2nd chance.

Some people really do change, I don’t buy the leopards don’t change spots thing!

ShizeItsWeegie · 09/10/2018 14:18

I suspect it is a subtle personality thing. No fault of yours but he knew he could get away with it with you whereas she has made the rules clear from the outset and he took them on board early and is conforming without really even registering why himself.

The bubble will probably burst at some point but I am as cynical as hell nowadays OP.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/10/2018 14:27

I’m upset for my D.C. not myself by the way - just don’t understand why he hasn’t parented all his children in the same way Confused

OP posts:
BigHoofs · 09/10/2018 14:48

This isn't unusual.

What's his age now? I think this is really really common with older fathers.

As an example Google Michael Douglas - he's given loads of comments about parenting second time round - I think the gist of it was that when he was younger he was more focussed on himself and selfish about his career. Second time round he'd had his career success and was more able to prioritise his children.

You see this alot with older parents.

It's normal to learn from an experience and be better at it second time.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/10/2018 15:17

So he was 30 the first time and over 40 the second time

I wouldn’t exactly call him young when he had his first family but I was

His partner is younger (slightly younger than me by about 2 years) and wants lots of babies. She’s actually quite passive and not like me (she looks like me). My D.C. tell me he is nicer to her than he was to me.

I don’t really focus on the partner side as much but more treating the mothers so differently

FYI I like his partner a lot
I’m glad if he treats her well - as he ought to

I’m just upset for my own kids

OP posts:
Havaina · 09/10/2018 18:47

It's for selfish reasons, OP. He's thinking of his own mortality and who will take care of him when he's old.

Please don't take it personally to you or your children.

confuseddotcom2018 · 09/10/2018 18:57

I hear you OP. My ex walked out when I got pregnant and got with his now wife who already had a 2year at the time. Now 6 years later doesn't bother with our DS but appears to be father of the year for his stepson and his Daughter which hurts me for my Son as he will never have that through no fault of his own. I just prayer doesn't affect my son's self esteem.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/10/2018 19:06

I just don’t understand if you became a better father as older you would be better to all your kids

So I conclude it’s probably me! He resents me and therefore probably punishes me but really punished the kids

I’m glad he is a good dad to his LO, I wouldn’t wish a bad parent on any child. I didn’t want to look bitter Blush

OP posts:
gendercritter · 09/10/2018 19:07

That must really hurt on one level. Your children deserved better. There could be all sorts of factors at play but it is just tough for your children, at the end of the day

shartsi · 09/10/2018 19:10

I think it is an age thing. Outwardly I think Nicole Kidman and Alec Baldwin act like they enjoy parenthood more second time around

ems137 · 09/10/2018 19:13

I'm starting to go through something very similar with exH. Our children together are 12 & 10 and his wife is 5 months pregnant with their 1st. You can tell he's as giddy and excited as anything, getting really involved in the purchases and decisions and even most conversations (text) with me somehow end up being about his new baby.

The last and final straw for me and him was when he walked in from work and stepped over our beautiful 6 week old baby in order to get his beers into the fridge, without acknowledging her at all for the rest of the evening either.

What I think in some (my) cases are that it's all just for show. They like to pretend they're father of the year but really they're still as shit as they always were!

SandyY2K · 09/10/2018 19:19

It's because she won't put up with it.

I remember when my DC were younger and I asked DH to take some annual leave in the summer to look after them.

Shock horror...he says holidays are to rest. I told him I used all my holidays with them...and one half term I was adamant if he didnt take time off with them, I would not be going on holiday with him. He could take the DC or leave them...but I wasn't going to go.

Guess what? He took the week off.
I still tool the majority of time off ...but if you don't insist it doesnt happen.

Issy777 · 09/10/2018 21:30

@PookieDo

Feel for you so badly Sad this has always been my worse fear as kids come first so for them to be rejected I couldn't imagine how I'd feel

Can I just ask did he want kids when he had them with you? As in did he discuss them etc
I often find some men kind of go along with the whole norm - relationship, get married n then all that's left to have kids.
But don't think they're actually "ready" Iv come across men that prefer having kids a bit older like over 40 which obviously doesn't suit us women

dawnacorns · 09/10/2018 21:44

My dad did this and it was hurtful, I don't actually see him now. He told me though that he tried to be a good dad second time around to 'make up' for things Confused Not exactly sure how that works wrt me then.

You sound like a nice person OP and I'm sure you're a lovely mum. Try not to let him get to you.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/10/2018 22:25

He was soooo excited to have D.C.1 but not D.C.2 at all. It was too soon for him as DD1 was only 1 and we had a lot of work to do on our house. Subsequently I think he felt pressured into being a dad to 2 (I wouldn’t have a termination)

He doted on DD1 as a baby and toddler and she is good with her half sibling but sibling is new child to dote on. He has a terrible relationship with DD2. It’s so bad she won’t visit anymore. He treats DD1 like she is only there to help with his small child Confused and everything revolves around small child

When we split he was ‘devastated’ to not live with his children anymore and banged on about how unreasonable I was for ‘taking them away’ but has had them solidly 1 night per week for over 10 years with maybe a random holiday thrown in here and there (during term time of course) and now everything revolves around small child activities and never older child activities. He hasn’t taken my DC out separately for any more ‘grown up’ activity since small child arrived - not even the cinema.

They sit in their house all weekend or go to Tesco’s or a farm maybe. They don’t have proper bedrooms with any of their stuff anymore either - he got rid of it all when the baby arrived

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 09/10/2018 22:30

One of the reasons we split up is because all he wanted to do was his hobby and he even resented me working weekends for good money, which we needed, because it prevented him from his hobby and he had to look after the DC. I don’t think he really bothers with hobby much nowadays (not a health related hobby so nothing to do with age). He refused to take both my D.C. out anywhere when they were little as it was too difficult. So they sat in the house for hours while I worked then he would immediately leave when I got back from work
And every evening he would sleep full length on the sofa from 8-11pm while I sat by myself

His current partner also works weekends

OP posts:
Issy777 · 11/10/2018 20:13

@PookieDo

Just interested, what was his hobby? He may have been resentful about baby no2 and harboured those feelings
I do think it's disgusting how he's treating the children differently- have you confronted him about this?
And his wife is no better - she must realise he is doing this as well and should be discouraging him

If it was me I'd be going mental!! And confronting him about it. I can't stand stuff like this it's just so unfair

Bluesue26 · 11/10/2018 22:06

It's because she won't put up with it

Ahhhhh so he's a shit father to his children and it's the OP's fault for not putting her foot down? Hmm

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