Feeling guilty.

[butterflywings33]

I have been with my husband now for 16 years. We have 2 beautiful children and have a good life together. He is an amazing husband and father. My problem is I don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore, I haven't for a few years. I avoid sex at all costs. I thought it was because I have the mirena coil and my oestrogen levels will be really low but I have recently been on a girly holiday. The next part I'm going to say I know I will probably get negative responses. I cheated on my husband which is something that I have never done before. In the moment it felt so good, experiencing that sexual pleasure is something I have not felt for a long long time. Now I don't know what to do, I know sex isn't everything and no relationship is perfect. I'm afraid if I keep feeling like this I might cheat on my husband again.

Leave him, he can do better.

What you've done is disgusting and there is no excuse for it...none. Leave him (and tell him what you're done and why) and allow him to live a life without a lying, cheating wife.

Oh my goodness...a Girly weekend shag!! How awful of you!
Yes, leave him he deserves better.

End the relationship, you have no respect or love for him, time to end it.

What you did was wrong, but I've always mulled over this question and no one has ever had an answer......: what does one do if they adore their partner but they are no longer sexually attracted to them? Or perhaps if the partner is no longer into sex and doesn't want it for the rest of their lives (very common) but the other partner does? How does this work?

I'm intrigued...

I'm not going to judge.

But if you really feel you can't find that atttaction to your partner again, think it is an important part of your life then consider making a change.

Your other options are to try and stay in the marriage and have an AP, but that's a difficult road for many reasons.

How many men do this? Loads! Do they feel guilty and leave their wives? Of course not. Why punish your partner and destroy their whole world, just because you've made a mistake? OP you probably need to spice up your sex life with DH. Learn from your mistake, not make everyone suffer (including the DC!). That would be the worse crime!

What do you want to happen?

All relationships go through cycles of ups and downs. There's been times in my marriage when I used to long to be single then in time things improve and I was glad I didn't do anything hasty.

The lack of sexual attraction though doesn't sound great. I think the fact you're still interested in sex, just not with your dh is quite telling. What are your issues towards you dh? Is he crap in bed?

I'd say that if you're not intimate together any more and haven't been for a while it's highly likely that you're not the only one who's cheated.

I don't think this one indiscretion is worth throwing your marriage away over but I do think you need to make time to talk to each other and see if the flame can be rekindled.

Why do you think you've lost the attraction?
Is it physical?
Has he put on weight?
Aesthetic? Now balding etc....?

If it's none of those things then, if you want to save your marriage, you should go for counselling.
Would he agree to some sex therapy?

When is the last time you had sex with your DH?

I also think what you've done is abhorrent. However, couples can and do move past cheating.
So you might do best to talk to your husband about what you have done and see if you can work through it.

How many men do this? Loads! Do they feel guilty and leave their wives? Of course not

Generalise much?

How many men do this? Loads! Do they feel guilty and leave their wives? Of course not
In fairness though, that is pretty accurate for the large percentage!!!

How many men do this? Loads! Do they feel guilty and leave their wives? Of course not
In fairness though, that is pretty accurate for the large percentage!!!

I agree with this.

I worked with men for many years in a 'male dominated' sector where cheating was more normal than not cheating.
Middle aged, podgy balding men in their 50's were some of the worst, prolific cheaters.

Annual men's 'golfing' holidays, trips away, training events, anything! Hearing them brag about their encounters and plan for the next while I knew they had a wife and kids at home completely oblivious was sickening.
It is usually the man.

If I were you op I'd compartmentalise this part of your life and move on.
The only risk being that one of your friends spills the beans to someone about what you got up to.

I'm not going to judge you OP but I will say this: Please do not tell your DH in order to appease your guilt. You will cause him incredible pain and it will not change what you have done. It will not stop you from feeling guilty either.

You say you avoid sex at all costs: have you & DH ever discussed this? Does he ever try to initiate sex? Are you close in other ways? Is DH happy in a sexless marriage? (from what I read on here, some people are). If you cannot bring yourself to have sex with him then I honestly feel it would be kinder to both of you to walk away from the marriage. It isn't fair on him and actually it isn't fair on you either.

In your situation, I would take some time to reflect properly on my marriage. Are you just feeling bored? Not just with your marriage but with life generally? Could you reignite that spark that you (presumably) once had with DH, given the right dynamic?

It does take a lot of work to maintain sex in a long term relationship. I love my DH to pieces, fancy the pants off of him, but for a couple of years I avoided sex and didn't want any intimacy of any kind. I think for me it was about reclaiming a little bit of myself - the DCs were young and I felt like I always had someone clinging to me or demanding something of me. I had to take time out to ascertain whether I wanted to still be married or whether actually the relationship had run its course.

Good luck OP. Keep talking here if it helps.