Hello, I've posted a few times over the years about my DH porn/casual encounters type issues. He's a good husband on the whole. Great with kids, works, does 50% of childcare and helps a lot with chores etc. He still makes me laugh and we have 2 lovely children who we adore. But then there's this other side of him that has been there for almost as long as we've been married. Every few years I'll find he's been posting on casual sex websites/gumtree/craigslist. I've nearly kicked him out so many times but he either talks his way out of it or promises he'll change. Everything is fine for a few years but then booom. I did swear to myself after the last (really bad) incident when I forgave him that if this happened again that was it. So fast forward to last week and DH is working away from home for a night. I got a text from him and I just had a sixth sense. He's not that tech savvy and I have access to his google account. He doesn't use it for emails but I can see his photos/search history etc. Next day I found a pic of him naked on his phone clearly meant to be sent to someone. It probably was. Given he's always in bed by 10pm due to his very early starts I saw he'd been on internet gone 1am. Don't know if he'd actually left hotel to meet someone or not. Upon his return the next day I said nothing but when kids went to bed I told him I was going to bed too and to sleep in the spare room. Next day he didn't even ask me why! This pretty much went on all weekend. He knew I was seething but did not ask why. We both share a mobile phone account so I can log in and see his call history etc. I recognise most of his numbers as work colleagues but there was a number I didn't and he'd texted it just as I'd gone out for the night the week before. I called the number and it went to a voicemail giving a name that I didn't recognise. I saw he'd texted the number a few days previous as well. I wanted to check his phone to see if it was innocent before I confronted him and it took a couple of days before he left his phone unattended. There were no texts and the number wasn't saved. So later on kids were downstairs and he was upstairs and I just went and told him I'd seen the picture (he'd by now deleted it but I have a copy) and asked who was 'E' (the mystery number). I don't know what I was expecting but yep it was just a girl who he chats to with sexy talk or words to that effect. I was seeing red at this point and not really taking it all in. So here we are now. 18 years of marriage and I really do have to walk away this time. I know he does love me and I know our sex life has been beyond crap for a long time which is his reason for all of this but I think he just has a need for secrets and lies and gets off on the danger regardless of whether our sex life was great or not. I have my reasons for not wanting to have sex with him a lot - mostly boiling down to his history of porn use and casual encounters websites.
Luckily we have a spare room so he's staying in there. I just don't know where to go from here. I want to divorce him obviously and will probably start a thread on the divorce/separation page as I don't know the first thing. We have kids, joint massive mortgage but with some equity. Kids are all settled in schools etc and I can't afford to buy anywhere near here on half the equity (I feel like I deserve it all given he's put us in this situation). I told the kids tonight. I know I shouldn't have but he's working away and I was on my own with them and had a panic attack and couldn't breathe. I can't stop crying and feel so incredibly sad and depressed. I feel such failure. Then I feel stressed about having to share custody of my beautiful children and leaving my lovely home. Their lovely home. All our hopes and plans for the future. I gave birth to DD in this house. I can't bear the thought of leaving. But I want a clean break from him and us living together isn't that. So can I just submit divorce papers (I've looked at the .gov website today)? I'm that angry I feel that's what I want to do or do I have to go through a solicitor? I have a DS and a DD and I think about what a terrible example he's setting for them. My poor children. I don't know why I told them. I was just a mess but now especially my oldest DS was crying and crying I just hate myself for hurting him. I didn't mean to. They need to know but not like that. I won't be able to afford anything to buy nearby but can't go far due to schools. I love them so much. I need to do what's right for them but staying with their sleezy father who breaks my heart over and over can't be right. Just need a hand holding really. I don't have many friends in rl and those that I do are mutual and I don't honestly want them knowing what a perv he is. Still, once I tell people it will seem real.