Am i just not cut out for a relationship?

[Broffy]

Hey, so, i've been single for over 10 years now. The main reason is just the usual really, being a single mum your social live can take a real nose dive and i just hardly go out. For the first 6 years i worked on the weekends that DD was at her dads and now i work from home so i just don't really have anyone to go out with apart from a couple of other single mums i know who are in the same boat as me and we struggle to get the same nights free. Also i get awful anxiety the day after i've been drinking so this also puts me off going for a night out.
Over the years i've dated a few guys but it always seems to get to a certain point and the anxiety kicks in and i feel pressured. I think i'm just so used to being self reliant that i push them away. Almost like it's just easier to be on my own. I know we probably all get a bit set in our own way's but i feel like i'm really intolerant. I've me a guy on POF and he's a lovely guy but i just get so annoyed at his constant messaging and asking me about my day. I get good morning every morning and night night sweet dreams every bloody night. I'm not used to telling someone 10 times a day about what i'm up to i find it so boring. I feel so pressurised knowing there's constantly a message waiting to be answered!
DD is now 12 and is at the age where she doesn't want to spend as much time with me so i'm feeling quite lonely and that i should be looking for someone to settle down with but i just don't think i'm emotionally capable of doing this. When i do meet someone all i do is look for faults in them to justify me not going out with them!
Anyway, thanks for reading. I din't think i'm looking for a solution but it would be nice to hear if anyone else has similar feelings.

I feel the same as far as not cut out for a full on relationships. Though most guys online are more into casual dating anyway than exclusive it seems.
I can just about do dating and would enjoy seeing one person once a week or bit more in time.
I like the security and feeling I've made a friend or connection of sorts.
Doing stuff at the weekend.
It's just the intimacy part I get cautious of.
And I fear it will never last that long and I'm back to square one.
I'm not sure I could handle living with someone. Even though I don't like living alone much. I have my picky ways.

Why do you think you need to have a conventional relationship? What about unconventional?
In my social circle there are a few relationships that are not conventional in as much as they have there separate lives and intimacy as well without the moving in together and the constant contact.
I know of one couple who have been together for years (20+) He has his house, she has hers, They don't see each other everyday. She goes to his house for dinner, he goes to hers. They holiday together, have weekends away, movies, theatre walks. They support each other emotionally.They are very happy and love each other.
Isn't it about what you want and finding a partner that has similar views on relationships as you do. We don't have to live by convention and neither should we.
You will be surprised at how many people think along these lines.

I clicked to say the same thing as noego.

There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel. So many people make themselves miserable trying to force relationships into a certain box.

Dating then having ‘the chat’ and becoming exclusive followed by moving in together, followed by another chat about marriage and children. Then marriage and children.

Do it your way. It’s not about right or wrong. People who find fault with you or who don’t want the same things in a relationship are simply not right for you. That’s all. It doesn’t make you lacking in some way or ‘not cut out for relationships’.

Yep! I feel the same. Small talk and smiling constantly is making me feel like a fake? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy our deep convos but I also enjoy silent/down time where I can just be me. Alone and quiet and still.

As women we are socialised from birth to think that the ultimate goal is a conventional committed relationship and many of us internalise it to the extent that we place it above all else in our lives and will do anything to keep it.

Take a step back and think about what you actually want from a "relationship". The word itself is loaded: in the mind of the average person it means a marriage, a mortgage and two kids. That works for some people but it might not work for you for whatever reason. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you and it might not be forever.

Do you want companionship? sex? fun? good conversation? financial/emotional support? All of the above?

You can have one or more of those things outside of a conventional committed relationship. You can be in what looks from the outside like a totally committed relationship and have none of them. The technical term for your relationship setup has no bearing whatsoever on what you are actually getting out of the deal you have.

We would all do ourselves a big favour if we listened a bit more to what it is we actually want out of human relationships and discard the millenia of social baggage about what we as women ought to want. It's easier said than done. But I can't tell you how much happier I am since I realised, in my 40s, that I've never really worked in traditional romantic relationships. And now I'm free pursue the relationships I want honestly without tying myself up in knots trying to work out of my relationship "status" is acceptable to the judgers.

We would all do ourselves a big favour if we listened a bit more to what it is we actually want out of human relationships and discard the millenia of social baggage about what we as women ought to want. It's easier said than done. But I can't tell you how much happier I am since I realised, in my 40s, that I've never really worked in traditional romantic relationships. And now I'm free pursue the relationships I want honestly without tying myself up in knots trying to work out of my relationship "status" is acceptable to the judgers

Gets my vote. .

usernamefromhell

Said it best.

What do you think, OP?