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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband no sex sulk

51 replies

Gingercatbiscuits · 08/10/2018 13:37

Hi I know there have been a few threads on here with husbands sulking due to no sex..we have sex maybe 1 a week, I have 2 young children, he went in a major huff last week when I said no I was tired..in fact her got up and went to watch tv instead of going to sleep. Shocked I went into the spare room, I didn't want to be near him, planning on staying there to think/be on my own/ until I get an apology. I am starting to resent the pressure, the issue I know is why I don't want to, but that aside, I don't want to go back to our bed just yet, I don't know what to do

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2018 01:22

The lack of non-sex affection and then the sulking and feeling forced into it would mean I would NEVER feel horny. And that would be that. In fact that was that for my first marriage.

It's the idea that someone else OWNS my body. It's the most deeply unsexy idea there is. Enthusiastic consent is sexy.

gluteustothemaximus · 09/10/2018 01:32

Sulking is so sexy.

My drive can be low at times, but that's down to my history.

DH would like it more than me, but if it's a no because I'm tired, he will still cuddle me, tell me he loves me, makes me feel sexy no strings attached.

My ex, however, was a sulky bastard. If I said no, he would say it's his right, I should expect him to get it elsewhere or he'd just go ahead anyway.

They couldn't be more different.

There's a lot more to a relationship than sex.

User1011 · 09/10/2018 02:36

Does the husband have a set bedtime OP?
Why shouldn’t he go and watch TV?

And now you’ve thrown a strop and moved into a different room.

Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 08:03

Thank you for your replies and Janel it's good to know that it isn't just happening in my house,
I know I need to address some things myself like why I don't want to (tiredness aside!) I think he understands that this crossed a line by storming off, I want to make it a big deal so that he realises he is out of order.
We are happy ish , marriage needs some work for sure, I guess I'm not totally happy being a general skivvy for the family, I guess I resent it a bit and then having to perform just is the final straw. Some days when I go to bed it's the only time when I'm on my own without hearing 'mummy' . I need to adjust the balance in my house!
Scott I do agree that balance is required , he was shocked at his reaction

Thanks for replies , they have been really helpful

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Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 08:12

This is exactly how it should be gleutustothemaximus! sounds lovely!

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MysteriousQuinn · 09/10/2018 08:48

If I'm in the mood and try to initiate with DH and he is too tired then I don't kiss or cuddle him. Not because I'm pissed off with him but because I find intimacy without sex very frustrating if I'm horny. DH knows and he doesn't take offence. I'm not in any way moody or horrible to him though.

User1011 · 09/10/2018 09:23

When he said “watch tv” did he mean he was off to do some DIY?

Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 12:38

User1011 your first post made me smile! He doesn't have a set bedtime but just got up from bed and left the room, but as someone else said I then I left the room,
I have no idea what he was doing, o don't thinks DIY (I have suggested that if he is feeling so overwhelmed with horny ness why doesn't he sort him self out) apparently that's not good Enough...Idont see how I should be responsible for what seems to be physical need, esp with no affection, he needs to address that, I know I need to sort by sex drive out...

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 12:41

MysteriousQuinn, i understand what you are saying it's more like nothings all day in terms of hugs etc, then wants sex , it's v extreme in terms of nothing then full on, it feels like a service I'm expected to do because we are married, and I refuse to feel like this anymore

OP posts:
Horsesforcourses23 · 09/10/2018 13:36

@sureitsnotjustme - omg really more men need to understand this. If they actually helped they might get it more often.

@Gingercatbiscuits - Its awful when they sulk like that, I literally used to go out with someone who just wouldn't speak to me for day's if I declined. Honestly I can't imagine why they think that would be ok to be mean like that!

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 15:28

I never realized what a feminist I am until reading some of these posts! We had sexual frequency issues several years ago and my husband spoke up about it and we resolved it for the most part but if he acted in such an immature manner as storming out of our bedroom? I’d rip him a new one for sure. Good luck OP

iamthrough · 09/10/2018 17:08

Hi OP. So Sorry you're going through this, it is an awful situation to be in. I was like you - husband wanting sex more than me and sulking when he didn't get it. We tried to talk about it but he just put it all back on me telling me to go the Dr's to get female equivalent of Viagra or blaming the menopause (I even had hormone tests to prove I wasn't menopausal) Anyway - got to the point we had no other affection - as everytime I even hugged him he would expect it to lead to sex... and the sex we did have got painful. In the end I just had had enough and now we're divorced. Couldn't be happier. Sorry that's not maybe an encouraging story and you may not end up like me - but it just wanted to say you are not alone. (and of course sex wasn't the only issue we were dealing with - but it was a biggie) Regain control of your body first - try to make your husband realise sex isn't a right and that it should be pleasurable for both of you - if he can't make that happen - he doesn't deserve you. Good Luck. X

yetmorecrap · 09/10/2018 17:16

In my first marriage my ex husband literally had a wall chart in his head and could give exact number of days 'without' . he also thought it was fine to go to the pub all evening with his mates 3 or 4 nights a week, leaving me at home with kids in bed, come in at midnight, bang around making a noise and then expect sex. I remember telling a friend who said her situation was identical. Its very disheartening that many guys don't quite get that for many women its not one of those things they can just 'get on with' like doing the washing or feeding the cat---- moods and affection and emotions and general 'vibe' come into it.

Adora10 · 09/10/2018 17:19

Horrible stories here, can't believe there are still men like that in this day and age. Their feelings if self importance and entitlement would kill any sex drive I had towards them, I wouldn't even see it as a sex issue, I'd see it as them being pretty nasty immature selfish gits and probably not a man I'd be prepared to spend my life with.

Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 17:50

@**yetmorecrap

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Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 17:53

Sorry pressed post too soon, was trying to make your name bold like the previous poster.
Thank for your reply, all replies I am glad I'm not alone and not going mad!!
I think it's going the same way to be totally honest, will reply properly later on to all your great posts x

OP posts:
eggncress · 09/10/2018 20:36

I agree with many posters here Op that it’s not necessarily your low sex drive, more to do with his bad and selfish attitude which would be enough to put anyone off sex.
The problem is his, not yours.

Arrowfanatic · 09/10/2018 20:45

My husband used to be like this, one time I refused and just wanted to chill and read my book (my 3rd child was just a baby still waking every 2 hours in the night) and the strop my husband threw was ridiculous. He used to make me cry as he would say stuff like I clearly didn't love him, or he can't stay in a relationship with no sex. For the record we had sex roughly twice a week but I also get very long cycles so 10 days a month I'm out of action so to speak. Plus I have a chronic stomach condition which by it's nature meant I spent most evenings in pain.

Thankfully he has improved a lot, he doesn't seem to associate sex life with my love for him. Every now and again he'll slip and moan that it's been X number of days since but I just remind him that if I'm not in the mood I'm under no obligation to have sex and he has no right to moan about that. Actually lately the whole women's rights movement, and the whole Trump and his cronies business seems to have also matured his ideas about what men do to women that is not reasonable, the feeling entitled to sex being one of them. He was never a horrible man, and I love him deeply and always have but I have to say my respect for him has increased ten fold since he's had this awakening so to speak and as such our sex life is actually better than ever. Still only 2 to 3 times a week but it's when I want to do it and am actively involved and not just doing it to avoid the strop.

busybarbara · 09/10/2018 20:56

Fact is there are things men do or don't do that can put us in a strop and vice versa. If DH forgets my birthday or something I am in a mood for days but then it'd be stupid to say did I marry him solely for recognising my birthday Grin

Seriously though, if you don't find him attractive enough to have an active sex life or to respect what he needs, be honest and then you can discuss it and either work on it or split up. Probably split up given his childish reactions so far.

busybarbara · 09/10/2018 20:59

I just remind him that if I'm not in the mood I'm under no obligation

The only problem with using that specific wording (if you have) is you can then find it being used the other way around when he's not interested in doing something you want Grin

Mother196 · 09/10/2018 21:03

He probably doesn't want to cuddle because it makes him more frustrated, if I say I'm tired he just says okay and goes to sleep you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel no matter how alkward.

Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 09/10/2018 22:08

Thank you @eggncress I think it is his issue but tbh i think busybarbara has hit the nail on the head I just don't want to anymore!! I just want to be left alone maybe for a day, a week, a holiday where I feel like me again, thank you for your supporting responses I need to really think whether I want this marriage, trouble is I know the answer but the repercussions would be too huge, need to think about my next steps, thank you all again x

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Hopoindown31 · 09/10/2018 22:16

Hi OP

Sorry I don't agree it his issue following on from your last post given how you feel about the relationship. Either you both sort it out or you have the honesty to end it or you will just continue this cycle of rejecting him and him sulking.

madcatladyforever · 09/10/2018 22:23

This shit killed my marriage for sure and I live alone now.
Quite honestly when I did give him more it was still not enough he just wanted more and more and then started talking about going swinging and at that point I just shut off and realised life would be so much better without him telling me exactly how many days it had been.
I'm not a blow up doll, then there was the loud wanking in bed when I refused keeping me awake for ages so I was exhausted next day at work.
Nobody needs that shit. maybe some flowers now and then and actually remembering my birthday would have put me in the mood.

Original poster
Gingercatbiscuits · 10/10/2018 19:56

@madcatladyforever I think you are right you need to feel loved and respected which I guess I don't, resentment builds and you just don't want to, why should I when it's just a crap day to day relationship, with some sex, I do enjoy it when it happens sometimes, but I just need something more to get me to the place where i want it, i.e. I feel happy, feel appreciated, feel like I'm not just living a humdrum existence, and then up for more...
Thanks for everyone's replies, I'm glad I posted

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