Feeling Trapped

[Nighowl]

My marriage is over, I’m so unhappy but with two children and a part time job I just don’t even know where to start . Financially I’m screwed, even if we sell our house I will not have enough to buy again. I don’t want to spend all my equity on rent. I dont earn enough to get a mortgage. The rents too high in our area so any benefits will not cover the costs...I’ve called citizens advice but cannot get through...has anyone in my situation actually left and managed or do I just put up with this. I really want to have a plan of action before I say to my husband it’s over. I have tried for over a year to make things work, and things have been bad for at least a year before that. I feel I’ve done everything I can to save our marriage and have been trying to just coast along in denial as we are, so as not to effect the children but I just don’t think it’s healthy for my kids to see a relationship like ours anymore. I dont want to go into the details as just really need advice on how to proceed from here and how I will manage...

Have you used the calculator at www.entitledto.co.uk ?

Do you know your H's salary and do you think he'd want 50/50 residence, or EOW - if the latter have you worked out how much maintenance he'd need to pay?
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Is there any possibility of increasing your hours at work (assuming you have affordable childcare available) or picking up a second job?

It sounds like you have definitely come to the end of the road with your marriage so please don't feel guilty to want out.

Hi. It's such a hard thing to do. I'm in the process doing the same as you but know ultimately it's the right thing to do for me as I was so unhappy. 5 months on and he is still persistent in trying to change my mind and telling me how much he has changed etc etc I had to reduce my hours of work and took a considerable cut in wages and things are very difficult financially but feel like I couldn't go on living a lie and hopefully in the future will go bk fulltime and things will work out financially. Do u both own house u are in presently or are u renting?

I’ve used the benefit calculator.... and I’m massively short to cover living costs in this area. I haven’t taken into account maintenance though. Yes we own our house and will have a large amount of equity but shared between us will not buy me a house. I have no family close by to help with childcare and increasing my hours stupidly ends up with me earning less as I presently work school hours.... I may be able to do some extra hours from home though... When we’ve discussed splitting before dh has implied I’d have to do all of the childcare and he’d move out of the area ( think this was to scare me into changing my mind) he works full time so cannot really have the children during the week as he wouldn’t be around...

Jen how did you go about leaving please? I just do t know where’s best to start???

I don’t think any of us are in a position to provide detailed advice, we are not qualified and we don’t know you actual situation. However if you divorce you will be entitled to a financial settlement based on marital assets and income. Marital assets are everything you and him own or have accrued, house equity, pensions and savings. It’s doesnt matter who paid for them or brought them to the marriage, they will be split based on your individual needs. The starting point for the split is 50:50 but this is varied inline with need; usually in favour of the lower earner. So it is likely that you will get a bigger share.

Income wise, you will probably be entitled to child support from him and in form of benefits. There are online calculators that will help you assess this. This will bolster your income as a single parent. At some point you will need to increase your working hours but it is usually inadvisable to do this before you know what kind of settlement you could get.

There is a possibility that he will be required to pay spousal maintenance for a period of time. This is a income to you to reflect the need to carry on the role of homemaker until you can return to work full time. This is increasingly rare as courts prefer a clean break settlement.

So the upshot is that you will probably get

• a percentage of the net assets you both own, at least 50% but probably more
• CMS from your husband based on sharing arrangements
• benefits, tax credits and child benefits
• limited spousal maintenance, but this is rare these days.

Hope this helps. Ultimately you will need to see a solicitor. People will have all sorts of examples of how much or little they got from a divorce settlement but really all circumstances are different and the devil is in the detail.

The reality is that people can cope as single parents. It’s not easy and it will take time to get back on your feet. But you will have decades to build a new career and equity even if you have to rent in the short term. A rented home of your own, is still a home of your own without a stressful relationship waiting for you everytime you turn the key.

OP,

What kind of pensions do you both have? If he has a big pension he will try to protect it. That means he is likely to sacrifice equity. Given his position on childcare you should probably try to keep the house as your best outcome. So speak to a solicitor about the likelihood of getting most of the equity and support to stay in the house if he wants you to pick up his parental responsibilities. He won’t get to play this both ways. Don’t be taken in by what he is saying, he is talking Billy Big Balls Bollocks. If he is trying to deter you he knows he is screwed.

Get yourself to a solicitor armed with as much financial information as you can. Pensions are important here, as they can be worth as much as a house.

Thanks user.... of course every situation is different, just want to see how people acy went about it and where to start. I think you’re right a solicitor is probably my first point. It’s just so daunting and obviously not how I pictured my future. I want to do the best for my kids and worry I’m being selfish in putting them in a situation where we are financially worse off. However I think I’m at the point where it’s so bad I need to take the risk.

There’s no way to avoid the fact that you will not be as well off if you get divorced, in the short term anyway. But you have the opportunity to recover financially. If you can get him to put his silly threats in writing, do so, it will help.

Honestly why would you stay with somebody who doesn’t give a toss about his parental responsibilities or you. How healthy is it to try to coerce your wife and children into staying with you by saying you would financially and emotionally abandon them 🤔

The problem is, not knowing what he actually wants to do, means you can’t plan. Once he gets to his own solicitor and gets his head wobbled, he will change his mind on a lot of this. If not, then his bluster and refusal to parent will cost him dearly.

Mediation would be the first step now you have talked about this. Speak to him about it and again try to get a record of discussions especially were he is being a dick.

Thank you. I know it needs to end.... he’s spent the last three days sulking over something we fell out over withdrew from all usual parental and household duties ( almost like a punishment) and today comes home from work acting like nothings happened and wants a kiss! If I mention his sulking/ silent treatment he refers to it as him needing time out....

Hi hope ur ok. Just wondering if u made the break?