Will I ever be mentally ready to file for divorce?

[oreoxoreo]

My situation.
Been separated from exH for 2.5 years now.
In a relationship for about 2 years.
My exH has also been in a relationship for about a year.
He is not the greatest dad to our DC, but he pays maintenance and sees them every other weekend (you could get better or you could get worse!). We are polite and amicable when we see each other when passing DC. I could almost still fancy him if I did not know his inside..
My relationship is not without ups and downs, hoping it would be long-term but you never know! My boyfriend gave me few hints about "wanting to engage to this girlfriend" or "imagining me in a wedding dress" but as I am not divorced yet the time is not right (makes sense but could be an excuse also.. but then don't mention the hints!).

Anyway exH said he wouldn't start a divorce as this goes against his culture, but he would sign whatever if/when I do.

I think about starting divorce every day, but why does my heart sink?
At times I just want it do be done and over, and I want a closure.
At times I think I haven't really got anything else on offer, so what's the rush...

I still think it is better to sort out the papers.

So what am I waiting for???

I think it is understandable that you have qualms about ending your marriage finally and irreconcilably. It is a significant decision and not without emotional and financial cost.

However the decision to divorce is a decision to end your marriage. It is not a decision or a single of intent to marry somebody else. Although staying married is a good shield to moving on with somebody else.

You have been separated for 2+ years and you know your ex is no good for you. Whatever lingering feelings (with children and a history you are bound to have these), the marriage is over in every way except the legal way. This is not without significance for you, your husband and the children. Not least of all if you haven’t agreed a legal financial settlement.

The marriage is over. You should divorce and be done with it. Whether either of you is ready to commit to somebody else is not relevant.

I suspect your ex is quite happy to keep the status quo as a shield against having to commit to his current partner. Seriously what culture is ok with cohabitation but not divorce. He sounds disingenuous and I think you would be well rid. He is probably also trying to duck out of a final settlement and has been happily frittering away marital assets for 2 years.

Go see a solicitor and get this settled. Ditch any lingering romantic notions for this man. Your current relationship and where it is going is a different issue.

I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with anyone and stay married, I think that's really disrespectful; I also don't believe your ex not wanting to divorce due to culture, I think it's probably just easier for him to do nothing, he's not exactly dad of the century.

Against his culture? Does he really mean that he doesn't want to give you whatever you're entitled to financially?? My ex has been delaying our divorce for FIVE years despite having lived with the OW for 4 years. He refuses to give me a penny and is now being dragged through court. These things take time even without a dick for an ex. Get it sorted. The mental freedom is very important. I can't wait for that moment.

No, nothing to do with the financial settlement. We have an agreement (written) that our assets are separate. So really it's just the matter of cutting the cord (for me). I think his culture sees divorce as a stigma. Up until a year ago we used to go to some of friends/family events together even if people knew we are not together. I guess it was a matter to be presentable in the society. We do not do that anymore.

Maybe, part of met, even though he is a meh as a parent, still cares for him. My friends have to remind me how distant and absent he was in the marriage. When he tried to reconcile after several months of separation and said he's changed, I did not believe it and was not the right time for me. Now I see he did partially change and I am thinking maybe we could have worked through it if I gave it a chance, but I guess we both moved on too far to return to the marriage.

ok, well based on your last post the reason you are reluctant to divorce is that you still hold out hope for the marriage. The fact that you more or less carried on in public as a couple didn't help with this.

I have got to question your judgement here. He is living with somebody else and so are you. What are you both playing at ? This is going to end in tears for all and your children will be in the middle. What culture finds it acceptable that 2 married parents are living with different people with no intention of getting divorced and still doing happy families in public. Be single or be together but don't introduce new partners if you are not serious about them, its not fair on your children or the partner.

TBH, he sounds like a right chancer, keeping his options open but making sure he isn't committed to either of you. Meanwhile there is "an agreement" keeping his "separate" assets in tack.
Has an independent solicitor looked over this agreement? Cos there is really no such thing as separate assets until you divorce and get a judge to decide who gets what.
I think you are being foolish to stay tied to this man. He is playing you, even if you think you have control.

No no we don't live together with our partners and both don't have immediate plans to do so.
Our agreement has been legally drafted by a solicitor, i.e. post nuptial that suits us both.

I agree with user1492863869. It's a really disrespectful to the new partners, children and each other. There's no commitment to the new partner on either side. Stop playing games and end your marriage legally. I'd also end your relationship as your partner deserves someone who isn't hoping for her ex to come crawling back.

I can't comment on the post-nup as never come across that before. Are you in the UK?

I purposely asked if the agreement had been seen by an independent solicitor. If not, you don't know if it suits you. I expect it is another attachment that keeps you both locked together whilst you pursue an open marriage.

It's not healthy and really unfair to your partners and children. No culture condones these type of affairs. I think your friends know exactly what is wrong with your husband and have been telling you to end the marriage and move on. But you don't want to hear it as you are still attracted. Did the attraction grow when he met someone else?

I'm really not trying not to have a go at you, but this is not right and deep down you know it. Eventually you will get hurt and then severe acrimony will set in with the children in the middle. You broke up once and that will have hurt them. Don't keep doing it over and over again.

Thank you for your replies. I don't know why I hold back. I don't expect my exH to crawl back.. and yet just holding on to the last string remaining. Perhaps is through to the guilt and failed marriage. Perhaps the guilt of never giving my exH a chance to prove that (if) he has changed, and perhaps he has. But realistically there hasn't been anything left of the marriage for a long time.
We did some outings together with exH for the sake of DC and it gave me some sort of illusion that everything's as it was... while it's not..

Really need to force myself to start divorce paper work. Hopefully tonight.