I'm in a sexless marriage

[Coffeeroom1]

Hi
I'm new and feeling really lonely about this topic.
I'm a 36 year old female and have been with my husband for 7.5 years-married for 2. I'm at the stage in my life where I'd love to try and start a family, but I have found myself in a sexless marriage and I don't know what to do.
It's such a taboo subject and is really difficult to know how best to address it. It's making me down on myself...
I'm the bread winner at home, but always have been, and work really hard in a good job. Looks-wise I 'm pretty much the same as when we got married, meaning that my appearance has not drastically changed to become the cause of no sex over the past two years.
I have tried to change things up and recently treated us to a week long break to inject some fun into our lives and go on an adventure together and although we had a fantastic time, we didn't have sex and it wasn't even on the cards to be honest. I'm always trying to create opportunities for fun and do different things together to try and break us out of what could otherwise just be a boring work, eat, sleep, routine.
I try not to focus on the no sex thing as I realise that could make it into something worse, but it's depressing and lonely when I think about it or when it's highlighted to me through my husbands non-actions. We never get further than a cuddle in the bedroom. My friends all seem to have great sex lives or even if they don't, they've at least managed to make kids with their partners!
You don't often here about this issue concerning someone so young and early into their marriage who is successful and decent looking.
The worse thing is the feeling of not being able to open up to anyone about this. You don't want to discuss such private business with friends and family because it's not respectful to do that. So here I am...

Interesting that your sex-life dried up at around two years ago - when you married! This seems to happen sometimes.

Sounds like you are the only one rowing the boat. You are putting in an enormous amount of effort into the relationship.

Is your husband depressed in any way? Is he a passive-aggressive controller who uses sex as a weapon? Does he not want children, but won't discuss this openly with you?

What are your discussions like? Have you discussed your sex life with him?

Are you both happy with your breadwinner role?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get some clarity here.

I'd be wary of starting a family with him. Maybe consider the possibility of splitting up before you have kids together and everything is complicated.

Try a relationship outside marriage for a bit of spice

Does he refuse you when you instigate sex or are you waiting for him to instigate and he doesn't? Have you spoke to him about it?

So what does he do from day to day?

Tbh with you, this doesnt sound as if it's going to change. He might be quite happy with his life.

I couldnt live in a marriage with no intent, it's a deal breaker. You need to decide if it is for you or not.

You need to have a blunt conversation and sort this out now.

You want a baby and

I strongly advise you to get a divorce. You will have nothing but regret and sorrow if you don't. You can't leave him soon enough.

Hi @Coffeeroom1
I could have written this post myself.
I've been with my DH for 4 years, married for 4 months & it is completely sexless. On our honeymoon, we had sex once, instigated by me.
We've had sex 3 times this year, including that.

I'm 25 - I'm going to see a gp this afternoon as I believe I have anxiety & depression as a result.

I literally do not understand why my DH doesn't want me.

Nothing to offer you advice wise but & from someone who is in exactly the same boat.

One thing to consider for those of you ladies that have this issue is does he have a raging porn habit that you are unaware of ?? I’m sorry to have to say that but it’s a very common issue amongst guys who use a lot of porn.

OP it sounds as though you have tried very hard and I'm not sure there is anything more you can do. The only option left which I can think of would be to seek couples counselling. I don't like to be presumptuous, but as you've only been married for two years, you should really be giving some serious thought as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this. People would probably say that I'm cynical because I'm going though a divorce after a 1.5 year marriage. As soon as we got married the sex dried up and he started to display some unpleasant behaviours, which lead to me having a nervous breakdown. I realise this is probably very different from your situation. The thing is, I decided that it was better to cut my losses and walk away sooner rather than later. If you think there's something more which can be done to fix this, try it, but please don't feel that now you're married you're stuck with this situation forever.

Could he be depressed is he on any medication that may affect his sex drive

Have u discussed starting a family maybe he doesn’t want to so is avoiding sex

Does he work full time?
Does he earn a decent wage?
Does he do his fair share of housework?

Basically, you are incompatible.
You want DC.

Why is this subject 'Taboo' for you?
You should be able to discuss your sex life with your DH.
If you can't then you have worse problems than you think.

But.... ultimately, if you want DC and you want a decent sex life, then you either tackle it together (sex therapy maybe?) or you decide that this won't work and separate.

Thanks for all your responses.
He’s currently out of work and has been for 4 months. I realise that’s made things a lot worse than they were but they were not great before! It’s been years since we had regular sex. Longer ago than when we got married 2 years ago.

The thing is, we are happy together in all other respects. We have a nice house, a dog - great mutual friends and close families. From the outside we look like the perfect happy couple.

I don’t want to give up on our marriage just because of the no sex thing. I think if we can overcome that then we could share a happy life together. But he’s not interested in having sex with me bar a couple of times he has done whilst being drunk but then he can’t keep it up because he’s too drunk. And that makes me feel like he just isn’t interested in me. Maybe that’s the actual reason.

I’ve never been great at instigating things and the longer a situation is left the harder it is to build up the courage to do something. Plus I’m scared of being pushed away as I fear that would be the case.

I know I won’t find the answers here but it’s nice to share my feelings with others and know that I’m not the only one going through this.

But he’s not interested in having sex with me bar a couple of times he has done whilst being drunk but then he can’t keep it up because he’s too drunk

Maybe he has erectile problems you aren't aware of and he only has the courage to try when he's had a drink. Then if it doesn't work, he can blame the drink?

Will he discuss it with you at all? What's your communication like? He needs to realise that communication is everything in a relationship and you can't just brush this under the carpet any longer.

You really need to know:-

*Is he happy in this marriage?
*Would he be willing to go for a full health check-up?
*Does he really want children?
*How much being out of work has knocked his confidence.
*Does he feel angry about something and is withholding to punish?
*Is there some secret you don't know about (porn, affair, gay, etc)?

I think it's interesting that he has tried when drunk. Sounds like deep, deep down he does want to.