Feeling horrible

[FeelingAshamedWithMe]

I've NC because I feel ashamed and horrible.

I have a DP that I love so much. He is my best friend. He we've know each other a long time and have been together for 4 years. We've brought our first house together recently and are trying for a baby.

I feel ashamed. But sometimes I get so angry with him. Over stupid tiny things. Are can be horrible/spiteful. And instantly regret it. What I mean by this is, I can have a thought going round and round in my mind. For hours or days. Really feel I have to say it. Then the moment it's left my mouth, realise how horrible it was, can see how upset and hurt he is. Then I get upset and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth for a long time. I feel guilty and horrible. I don't know where these things come from. But I'm scared that one day he'll have had enough and leave me.

This also happens on a worse scale if we've been drinking. Not every time. But maybe a few times a year.

For example I will say that I don't want to be with him or I'm going to kick him out of our house. These things couldn't be further from the truth. I love him so deeply. We've waited such a long time to live together and have been planning to start a family for a long time.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here. I want to stop sabotaging my own relationship. I know I could stop drinking but for example we've been on holiday over the summer and been doing lots of drinking and had no arguments at all. Then Friday night we went out with some friends. Had a brilliant night. I don't know what happened, I don't remember be he's told me some horrible things that I've said. But I don't remember at all. And I can say 100% the things that I said are not true at all!

I just want to be a better person and make him happy.

You obviously care about what this is doing to your relationship.

What did you see growing up? How did your parents interact with each other? Maybe you are repeating the past?

First of all, stop drinking, please. If you are drinking to the point you are becoming abusive and not remembering (unless your DH is lying about this), you have a problem with alcohol.

As for the things you say on impulse in the heat of the moment, I would work on this in therapy or CBT or something like that. Maybe you even need couple's counselling if there is a problem between your communication together? If your reactions are very ingrained, it is unlikely you will be able to change them without outside help.

Have a really good think about all this and discuss with your husband when you are feeling calm.

It's great you are thinking about making changes in your marriage like this.

Is it only when you drink? It may sound silly but have you thought about what you are drinking and the effect? If I'm having a 'big' night I stick to spirits as wine used to make me horrible to my partner if I drunk too much. He also sticks to spirits and avoids beer for the same reason. Also, if you've got something in your head when you are sober, don't drink until it's sorted

Thank you both for your responses.

@isnothingsacred - my parents divorced when I was young. I don't remember ever living with my dad.
I had a step father for a number of years. I was abusive to my mum and a very heavy drinker.
I have a different step father now, we didn't get on. I moved out of my mums when I was 22 because I didn't like living with him.

I feel bad saying it but I don't think I've had the best relationships to learn from.

It sounds like you haven't had good role models @FeelingAshamedWithMe. Neither did I, I'm afraid. But when you know better, you can do better.

I would look around for a good therapist and tackle both your drinking and the verbal stuff with some professional help.

Lots of stuff on the web for help with these issues.

It's good that you recognise the problem and how it might have come about. Your DH will be happy you are trying to fix this, I'm sure.

I find a diary helps. Write down the thoughts, it eases your mind as you've got them out AND you can see (either immediately, or perhaps later when you are sober,) that they aren't what you really feel, and don't need to be said.