To do mediation? Child contact. DV

[nosleepnow]

I don't have to do mediation due to DV. I can also request shuttle mediation meaning I wouldn't have to be in a room with DC dad.

Initially I wanted for my child to have contact. Their father stopped it.

I've already done mediation when dc were younger and all it did was put me back in an abusive relationship for a few more years. Looking at the old mediation noted - I agreed to clearly abusive suggestions and effectively policing everything my 2 year old child said to him while he agreed to nothing really as everything included me being "flexible" on any of his things

I feel like court will happen whatever as I cannot see us reaching a solution via mediation. The only positive this time is he's moved in with another woman therefore no risk of me ending up back with him.

But if I don't agree - court will happen whatever

If I do agree - if we do make any resolution I am confident he will drop it fairly fast and I'm really scared that I will end up manipulated. I'm actually shocked at what the mediator allowed me to agree to - in hindsight it's clearly abusive at worst, incredibly unhealthy and controlling at best

But I don't want court to think I'm trying to withhold contact by refusing although in some ways now perhaps I am. I've done the freedom program and woken up to the effects DC dad has had on them. My view has massively changed on contact since their dad dropped them by his own choice for the last ten months. There was never any need to drop them. It was entirely his choice and he's refused to write, call, or see DC and will continue to do so I imagine until its gone to court

I've sent contact agreements via solicitor that have been refused over the last year for various reasons (basically his new partner comes before DC)

I'm lost as to what to do tbh - try mediation again knowing it failed already and risk my mental health and possibly not get any solution anyhow?

Or refuse and head for court knowing it will take longer and it's up to the judge and my concerns regarding dc may be not taken seriously?

There’s a clear accepted right to refuse mediation on the grounds of domestic abuse - what proof do you have of the abuse? Doesn’t have to be a charge or conviction could be other sorts of proof

By the way if you’ve been offering contact via solicitor and he’s not been taking it that will look good for you and not for him

I have proof of engaging with the dv service, a dv support worker, making a statement to the police, engaging in the freedom programme...

I have read his emails though and he stated if I don't go to mediation he will seek joint custody through the courts to "clear his name" and no doubt against me will stand that I covered up the dv for years in speaking to professionals, he actually has positive reports from some professionals about him... what was happening was me telling them it's my mental health and he's wonderful, and his new partner probably will support him (even after I sent her proof, he's apparently confessed, discussed from his POV and she's backing him despite not even having met my child in seeking joint custody)

I feel so fucking trapped and terrified that my MH will deteriorate under the stress of it all and that he may end up getting custody with a woman who's a total stranger to my child

I no longer want to offer contact but previously did. I'm aware it would be better probably for my child to have some contact in the long run and my child wants it so I probably should agree to some contact but I just think my child has suffered enough and last thing they need to face is me falling apart - I already am up at this hour with insomnia over what to do

I think you should try mediation but I think it should be shuttle mediation, you should take a friend with you and you should explain very clearly to the mediator how you feel,about the outcome of the last mediation. Explain in clear and concise terms and, if possible, try not to be too emotional. It may help to write it down before hand rather than have to say it out loud. Ask the mediator if they think they can ensure a fair outcome without you feeling bullied into something you regret.

That will firstly warn the the mediator about what happened previously and also show them that your eyes are open now.

Your post makes you sound much stronger than in the past. That will help you in dealing with this. And remember that you can say no to things now too.

Sorry, no idea what to suggest, but hand holding until a wise woman comes along.

I can see why you're worried (threats, living on your nerves). However, what you've written sounds very much like he'll not get what he demands if presented well. (Sounds like he doesn't want joint custody either, he's just trying to scare you and put you in your box.)

Would it help settle your nerves to document (over time, not all at once) the facts you mentioned above? Times, dates etc? It might help you see in black and white how clearly poor his behaviour has been. If you need it down the line during your separation /divorce, you'll have it all to hand.

You sound very sorted, in fact - although you feel panicky, you've got your head very screwed on as to what is/isn't acceptable and where your boundaries lie. That's a massively strong position to be in.

No to more mediation; you were never safe to do this with him in the first place. In mediation as well the abuser never co-operates, the victim does.

He is using threats and other intimidating methods here aimply as a stick to further beat you with. Abusive men as well remain abusive to their targets even after separating from them and his campaign of abuse against you continues. He cares not about his child either, its you he wants to punish here for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Do not go to mediation or accept mediation; you are not safe to do mediation with him at all because of the past and present abuse he metes out towards you and in turn your child. He should be kept well away from your child, this is no role model for he/she to be witnessing as a parent.

Would suggest you contact both the Rights of Women and Womens Aid to discuss this further.

You can go to the mediation service, explain why you are concerned about mediation, and if they agree, they will give you a letter saying that they cannot offer it as it is not appropriate in your circumstances. Then you're not refusing it, and the court won't hold it against you. I did this the last time we went to court.

For me, I found the mediators very clued in about abusive dynamics. The first time round, I did attempt mediation and in fact it wasn't a bad experience. My ex says things like "Why won't you compromise and just do what I'm asking?" with absolute sincerity, and I found it strangely helpful to watch the mediators (we had two) as they listened to him. Their faces were a picture. The mediation failed because my ex wouldn't make any concessions whatsoever, but I felt more confident that my position was reasonable after those discussions.

Thanks all. Been advised by solicitor clued in on DV recommended by my support worker not to attend (yet) and see her early next week first before agreeing to anything so that's what I'm going to do. I know other people who've been very impressed with her so feel confident I will be in safe hands by swapping over

Glad you've got a solicitor you feel confidence in - it makes a huge difference. Hope all goes well.