Anyone else non contact and happy with it but still very sad at Christmas?

[LeMesmer]

I haven’t spoken to my brother for years, for good reasons. He is the only relative I have. I have no wish to have any contact with him, if I saw him in the street I would run the other way. But still, every Chistmas, and sometimes at other times during the year, I really wish he was a sibling who cared about me. I know this is a very self indulgent moan, but does anyone feel the same?

Yes. I get you. My father and sister are the same.
I'm spending Christmas with a cousin this year and it will be my first 'family' Christmas in 8 years. The first in my 30s. Much as I'm peaceful, I too am also sad. I've spent much of the past years doing Crisis at Christmas where there are many other kindred spirits.

You are mournig the fantasy sibling you'll never have. This is normal and should fade away.. The reality is you do not have a sibling in your life anymore. You got away.. many people cannot or don't have the courage.

I get this, nc with my sister, she's my only relative but when I wish we were in contact i remember how toxic she was, its not easy when you have no one else though

Think I'll be with you this year too

This will be my first Christmas NC with my brother & SIL, haven't laid eyes on him since March, and haven't spoken since June.

I know this is gonna be a difficult one as we've always spent Christmas together, plus they have a baby due any day now.

I miss him so much, but SIL is so toxic, I've had to pull away, whereas he thinks I should just "put up with her".

I know I'll be sad over Christmas.

Yes, I understand. My son went to live with a relative earlier this year (he’s 14) following a year of shoplifting, aggressive behaviour, truancy, stealing from me. I fled DA years ago and he was too young to understand, he’s returned to our home town and of course I can’t go there.

This September was the first time in 10 years that I didn’t get a ‘back to school’ photo of him - which was hard, so I’m dreading Christmas without him. His sister lives with me and misses him very much.

To add to this, my mother was very abusive towards me as a child. She was emotionally abused as a child and did not know how to be a loving mother. Salt in wounds - she’s the relative that my son now lives with.

It feels like a bereavement but he’s still here. He told me I’m not his mum anymore.

So, at Christmas I’ll focus on making it special for my daughter. She isn’t too fussed on meat and veg so we’ll have a buffet on the 25th instead and spend it outdoors on her new scooter.

I’ll probably weep when she’s in bed

Thanks everyone. I have a lovely DS and DH, and relatives on DHs side who I get on with, we never spend Christmas with them as too far away. I actually love Christmas with just the three of us, not having to bother trying to please hoards of relatives. It really doesn’t bother me that much in a sense, it doesn’t hurt anymore as it once did. But still, at times like Christmas I miss the ‘fantasy sibling’ a bit. It is s shame for him as well really, I am his only sibling, his wife is an only child and so they have no other family. He made a choice though to be so distant and unsupportive to all the family that there won’t be a relationship between us now, ever .

I think it is very different with a child Pearl. That must hurt beyond belief. He is still very young though, hopefully in time he will realise he needs his Mum

@LeMesmer thank you, some days I switch off and can function. Others, like today - not so much.

I just hope he’s happy, healthy and knows he’s loved xx

Op, my DB and I have always had a difficult relationship, he was the golden child, he was never very nice to me and certain things came to light not long before mum died which made me hate him. I had always had as minimal contact as possible with him and that reduced even further (text every few months) after she died and the estate settled.

Earlier this year he suffered the unimaginable tragedy of losing his only child suddenly. As neither he nor his wife had any other close relatives in UK (she is from abroad, does have lots of friends in UK) I rallied to support them in immediate aftermath and at funeral. I couldn't not do it,
whatever had gone before. Some relatives said I was amazing, no, I was just doing what felt right at the time, for me as well as them.

We do have more contact currently, but most of it is him texting rants about people (not me now, he knows I would go NC but the tragedy doesnt seem to have changed him at all.)

I dont ever think about the sibling relationship we dont have, I just remember all the nasty things he has done and said over the years.

We never saw him at xmas anyway, we dont live close so our Christmases were always spent alternating with parents when both sets alive. Now mine have died, it is one year with inlaws, the next just the four of us. As a pp said, I am looking forward to a chilled time this year with just us 4. DD is working in retail this year, so not much time off, so what time we do have will be precious.

I have no idea whether I will contact DB on xmas day. Maybe just a 'thinking of you' text. He stopped cards and presents years ago, part of his childish attempt at manipulation. His wife and DD sometimes went to see her family abroad, so they didn't always have xmas together anyway. I think his wife may do that next year, she is supposedly taking ashes abroad, which will make his Christmas harder. But - my DC hate him with a vengeance, which makes it easier for me detach, as they are my No 1 priority.

Pearl, that is all you can do just now. That is is a very different situation from my brother. My brother was a ‘nice’ son throughout his teenage years, he was ‘nice’ in sense after that. He carried on being ‘nice’, whilst at the same time causing such hurt in the family. I think, hope, your son isn’t like that. Sometimes the ‘nice’ ones like my brother cause the worst hurt, unlike you son who may be having difficult times now but will come back to you. I think that is the worst thing, the facade of being ‘nice’ when the are anything but. I sometimes think there is no hope with the ‘nice ‘ ones, but with an angry teenager maybe you can come through it. I hope so for you Pearl .

Sophies, you sound like me a few years ago. Should I , shouldn’t I , after all he has done. I decided no, I wouldn’t contact him. Things happened when my father was dying that put ,for me, an end to all contact until my mother died 2 years later. After that nothing.

You really don’t need someone who upsets you so much in life, even if it is your brother. You sound very like me, you have tried and tried and he doesn’t respond. In the end you have to accept the rejection and enjoy your own family, hard as it is.

I wouldn’t contact him at Christmas , if he doesn’t contact you it is actually very telling about how he feels,

@PearlandRubies194, why is your son living with your mum when she's so toxic?

Same.I have not spoken to my dad for many years as he is a nasty piece of work.but he treated me good when i was little and took me tobogganing etc.however every Christmas/birthday i miss him and it upsets me.i will never be ok.

Yes and the feeling is quite strong this year.