Emotional Affair advice

[Tulpip]

I’m married and for the past couple of months I’ve been having an emotional affair with my first love. After splitting up as teenagers I met my now husband and started seeing him but my first love kept coming in and out of my life and we got together on a number of occasions before I got married.
We’ve bumped into each other over the years, and he’s never been very far from my mind in all this time. We are friends on Facebook and occasionally message pleasantries, sometimes flirty, but nothing serious.
We saw each other over the summer and we've been texting each other at least once a week, getting quite involved, talking about meeting up and how we want to be together, wishing we’d never split up. I knew that we wouldn’t ever follow through with anything but he made me feel alive, and all these thoughts and feelings I’ve had over the past 20+ years have been reciprocated.
But now he’s ended it, wants a clean break because he can’t cope with it anymore. I totally understand because it’s not right but how can I get him out of my head? I want to focus on my family and husband but I’m so sad that he’s cut all contact, blocked me in fb, I can’t even reply to his message to say I understand. I know what we’ve done is wrong so don’t want any judgy comments, just practical advice from those that have been in the same position and how to get thru it. It’s not as if I can turn to my friends for comfort either, I feel very alone

The first, and only thing you can do, is to respect the decision he has made. If you love him, let him go. Sounds like he's a decent person who has put the brakes on to concentrate on his own marriage.

As for you, your pain is NOTHING to what your DH will feel when he finds out, believe me. Have you thought about leaving him, as you don't love him? When you think about how much you're missing your OM, can you find it within yourself to perhaps think about how you've made a fool out of your DH and have some respect for him, instead?

I had a very intense first love. I have thought about him often over the years and at certain times it’s worse- e.g when it’s been a big birthday of his or mine. But he treated me very shoddily and I can’t not remember that. Doesn’t make the strange longing for him at times any less real. So I get it.

But I read once that first love is basically a bit like heroin in terms of the chemical reaction in your brain. It basically is an unrepeatable experience for your mural pathways which you can’t recapture.

So when I have a wondering thought about my ex, I just remember that my brain only thinks what it does about him because of chemicals. He was like heroin and about as good for me as drugs.

I suggest therapy as it has helped me. Good luck.

I was the husband in situation like yours. My wife had her first love on a pedestal. She lied to me when I asked who he was, said he was a friend of her brother, then when I found out, she lied again about contact with him. ( I contacted him) this whole situation came very close to us divorcing as I found out the EA has been going on for years. She had been groomed by him and sexually assaulted by him as a child, (15 years old) he was a few years older than her. He left and joined the navy, then left her for someone else, ( just ditched her by letter) who became his wife. Then met her again a couple of years later and said he would still ' do her'. (Still with his wife to be). He is definitely not the same physical specimen he might have been back then and has physical characteristics that my wife says she dislikes ( pot belly, hairy chest, dyes his hair). So finally, here is my point... Someone likened it to heroin. It must be, to lie to a partner, to get to the brink of divorce, to lose all the trust and respect of your husband for the sake of an idealistic dream of what might have been. Is it worth it? If you think so, do it, but leave your marriage first to take your chance. Don't break what you have for this. Let him do the same. Take this as the closure you never had previously. Good luck.

So you physically cheated on your husband whilst you were together but before you were married? And since the ceremony have carried on an almost continuous EA?

You sound lovely OP - do your “D”H a favour and let him know so he can dump your cheating arse.

I'm really, really sorry- been there, got the T-shirt. I know how tough this is.

All I can say is, would you leave your DH anyway regardless of the old flame? That ought to be your focus.

If you say you know you could never ever follow through, then that's your answer, isn't it?

I can't tell from your post if this old flame is single or not.

It would mean each of you leaving marriages. Could you do that?
Assume not.

My old flame was single but adamant I should not leave for him- he didn't want to be the OM in case it went wrong for us. He said the only way it could work for him was for me to leave DH and then see where we stood. I guess that was the 'decent' thing to say.

If you are not willing to leave and see what happens, then you have to accept your own choices. It's hard, I know, but if your marriage is not what you want, leave anyway not for another person unless it's what you both want and have no doubts. It does happen, it can work, but it's a risk. But sounds as if your old flame doesn't want to rock his own boat.

Thank you all. It has bought closure for me in a way, I never really knew how he felt all these years and thought maybe it was one sided. But now I know he felt the same has been a huge comfort to me.
I need to focus on my family, but trying to forget him is going to be so hard and I just don't know how to especially as I can't talk to anyone and get it all off my chest, it's driving me crazy!!

It is a very lonely place to be as there are very few people to talk to about it. It is very hard and the pain is unbearable. Mine wasn't as decent as yours and as recent as June wanted me to meet up with him.I didn't. I've gone NC for 16 weeks now. The pain is very hard at the beginning but it turns into a dull manageable ache. My advice would be to look at your marriage. If you want to leave, leave for you, not another man.

He's also married with children and that's why I do respect him so much for cutting all ties. I haven't always had the best marriage but funnily enough it has improved over the last few months, and I don't want to leave him. To be clear, my ex and I didn't ever sleep together at anytime, although physical, it's just the intense connection we have.

As someone with an EA in progress, who finds it hard not to hear from him for more than a few hours, I can appreciate how hard this is going to be.

There is something addictive about this kind of contact.

Keep busy. Don't think about it, turn your thoughts away from him when they drift. Plan a holiday. Give yourself something to look forward too.

It's like an addiction isn't it? I'm quite relieved in a way that because he's cut the ties and I can't even look at his fb page, that I might concentrate on other things as you say. I'll certainly get more sleep as we won't be messaging until the small hrs.
He's probably feeling exactly the same, and I know it was a tough decision for him

It's like giving up any addiction.

Go cold turkey. Don't feed the obsession.

Turn away from all thoughts of this guy and replace them with renewed efforts to strengthen relationships with your husband and family.

Think about what's REALLY missing from your life. Your lost youth and paths not taken? Deal with those feelings head-on. Think of some exciting project you could get involved with. You may have too much time on your hands, OP!

Always remember you are playing with fire? Do you REALLY want your relationship to end over this? If not, start cherishing it.

Oh yes, the lack of sleep is a killer and the trying to hide the amount of contact. I didnt look for this, but now I have it I can't imagine life any other way.

You will get over this, but be kind to yourself.

I have recently been through something very similar. In terms of practical advice:

1. Delete his number and all messages.

1. Unfriend/unfollow him on social media.

1. Keep incredibly busy. You need to try to replace the excitement you got from him with something new - try a new hobby maybe?

1. Try to build your own self esteem so you’re not looking for validation from him.

1. Every day, write down one thing you don’t like about him. Perhaps something physical that is a bit of a turn-off, perhaps something he once said that made you think “what an idiot”, etc. Whenever you think of him during the day (which is probably all the time, I know), turn your mind onto that one thing. This has been absolutely key in me going off my ex - mind you his is a real knob it wasn’t hard to think of a new thing every day and my list has got very long.

1. Write down one thing a day that you love about your DH. Specific examples are best. Right after thinking about something bad about your ex (as above), think about that thing about your DH.

Good luck, it’s a horrible position to be in.

Thank you Dandylie, very helpful.

Do you know why he decided to cut ties? Did his wife find out about you?
I can see how hard this is for you but I’ve been on the other side, I found out my husband was messaging an old GF and although it wasnt physical, it hurt like hell to think he was spending time connecting with someone in secret!

What I meant to add was...
Concentrate on what you have now with your husband rather than the fantasy of someone from your past

No his wife wouldn't have found out. He deleted every conversation after we'd had it.