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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I leave??

18 replies

MO2x · 07/10/2018 20:08

I have 2 beautiful children and I feel like a bad mum because I can't find it in me to leave their dad. We've been together 5 years I'm 22 he's a lot older and after my second DD he just turned. He constantly calls me fat, ugly, freddy belly (due to my stretch marks it looks like Freddie crouger attacked me) literally. just anything you can think of he tells me on a daily basis how horid I am and now he's started hitting me quite often. I'm trying to further my education an university and he's telling me I should get a job an give him more money an focus on the children but I want to better myself for their sake. I do everything I can for him I even have his granddaughter and older daughter from a previous relationship 2 days a week along with my 2 on my own so that's 3 baby's under 2 just to make him look good to them because he isn't actually their. I am mostly out with the children keeping busy and doing activities as he won't as a family because I'm embarrassing but when at home he doesn't help and he acts like that. He just sits in another room from us on the phone, I know this isnt good for me and my children to stay around but why do I always run back when he shouts? I know the truth and I don't want my kids to grow up thinking it's acceptable to be in a relationship like this but I don't know what's stopping me from leaving??? Why am I so stupid!?? :(

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/10/2018 20:10

Come on. You will be happier, richer and safer without this bloke around.

buckingfrolicks · 07/10/2018 20:12

Leave. You don't need a father figure like this. You can do it alone. He's a vile abusive man who will not get any better with time.

RandomMess · 07/10/2018 20:23

You speak to Women's Aid, you get hep from Student Welfare at uni. They will help you

Original poster

MO2x · 07/10/2018 20:27

Thank you so much! X

OP posts:

Smozzles · 07/10/2018 20:44

Oh gosh, you poor thing. You can get out. You have a whole, rich, exciting, long life ahead of you. I hope you spoke/speak to Women's Aid. You did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. x

crappyday2018 · 07/10/2018 20:46

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship? How would you feel if your daughter was being treated like this? All this is easy for others to say and I'm sure you already know all this anyway. I told my counsellor that I wish I had left my ex years before but she just said that I obviously wasn't ready and didn't have the energy in me to do it until I did.
The fact you are posting on here about wanting to leave him, and how he treats you is a step in the right direction.
Ask yourself why you think this is good enough for you? Don't you think you deserve better?

Original poster

MO2x · 07/10/2018 20:53

I have been referred to a councilor from PTSD and I have domestic abuse helping me to get a place of my own and putting precautions into place so he can't come near us in future (he doesn't know any of this) . It's just making that step of getting away and staying away because I always fall for his lies! I feel beyond stupid but Thank you all so much x

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/10/2018 20:57

Perhaps go into a refuge where you will hopefully feel supported enough to fall for his lies?

crappyday2018 · 07/10/2018 20:59

Its frightening and daunting and you will also be scared of how he reacts to all this.
Try to remember though, isn't the thought of living this life for years to come way more frightening?

Original poster

MO2x · 07/10/2018 21:17

Your very right it's easier to face his reactions now and get it over and done wihh rather then prolonging the relationship and abuse then dealing with it in the future when it finally ends xx

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/10/2018 21:29

You're very clearly not stupid, I can tell that from your posts. You've just had the confidence sucked out of you by a scumbag, controlling, abusive piece of shit. If I read your post right, you were 17 when the relationship started and if he has grandchildren he was probably in his 40s or thereabouts. You never stood a chance. You can do this though. You're stronger, more intelligent and more capable than you realise and the further you get from his influence the more you will grow.

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/10/2018 21:32

Btw, stretch marks are beautiful. They're a precious reminder of the time you grew your children inside you. How could they ever be ugly?

Ribbon86 · 07/10/2018 21:36

MO2x Your not stupid please don’t think that. You sound like an amazing person doing what you do even tho he’s treating you like that . You’ll get the help you need then you can focus on your kids and better your self without that arsehole bringing you down . Big hugs

Original poster

MO2x · 07/10/2018 21:49

Yea I'd just turned 17 and he was 32 turning 33. I was at college and working 6 days a week and I moved in pretty quick and took on his son who was 12 at the time who then moved in with us. So I was moulded and minipulated to what he wanted looking back I guess... He's just made me leave my job of 6 years as he wouldn't collect the children 1 night a week from the nursery I would be paying for just be 2 hours a week I néeded him to babysit as I was contracted to a late night finish once a week (8pm) and the kids go bed at 7 and nursery finishes at 6! It's not hard but the more I'm saying the more I'm realising how rediculous it all is. You just don't see all this when it's you in the situation

OP posts:

glitterystuff · 07/10/2018 22:09

We're rooting for you! Please keep coming back and telling us. Re-read your post and comments and make sure you remember YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!!!

I'm so glad you're getting help.

PurpleWithRed · 07/10/2018 22:14

You absolutely can do this: Many of us here have been through it and we are here over the finishing line in the safe happy place cheering you on. Deep breath and go for it!

Nicelunch25 · 09/10/2018 12:46

It's really hard because he's broken your wings and your spirit. You only need to do it once. I'm 4 years on from leaving an abusive man and it was the hardest but best thing I ever did. My kids are thriving and I've got myself back. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to leave. What helped me was reading the Lundy Bancroft book and telling people in real life and realising everyone believed me and it wasn't my fault what he was doing and he was never going to change. Every single person I reached out to helped me and believed in me. No one said "I told you so". I'm glad to hear you have the wheels in motion. Keep reaching out for support. Mumsnet and my family were great support. The only person who didn't believe me was my abuser. He still makes things difficult as we have a child but i am much better at dealing with it now I don't have to live with him grinding me down on a daily basis. Sending waves of love and strength. You can do it! Your children and your future self will never regret leaving this shit excuse for a human being. What sort of bully hits women?! A vile abuser. Get away.

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 15:16

I’m so happy to hear you are getting a plan assembled-if he attempts to hurt you again get somewhere safe and call the police and press charges against him to the maximum. You’ve deserved none of this and I know this is horrible but maybe he’ll pick a fight with the wrong person and get a beat down

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