Can you be “happily married” but still argue or clash?

[breathandrelax]

I’m just trying to understand what’s “normal”

would you say you’re still happily married even if you have arguments and clashes? Or does being happily married mean no arguments and agreeing on everything?

Husband and I have been together for 13 years, married 8. We were teenagers when we got together and now in late 20s with two young kids. We argue more than we have ever, mainly over being stressed, who’s not helping with the house etc etc. We still ultimately love each toner despite days where I don’t want to see his face. I suffer with sever general anxiety so every time we argue I feel like our marriage is falling apart, although I do think I might be overly anxious in my thinking.

My husband says it’s normal and it’s part of us learning, connecting and understanding eachother as adults and as parents not as the teenagers we once were.

"For better, for worse"

Yep. Despite many people telling you they’ve never disagreed or sad a bad word in many decades it’s perfectly normal to go through peaks and troughs. Life progresses and you both change as people so of course it changes the way you interact.

The difference between it working out and not is a) if you both love each other and b) if you are both willing to look at what you are doing wrong and can change to make your relationship better. You can come out much much stronger.

My grandfather was a minister and so he saw/heard the reality of many relationships. He said couples who said they never argued were either lying or one was very submissive.

I’d say DH are ‘happily married’ and we still row. We rowed last week on holiday about whether to go to an event one evening or the next morning. We were both tired and cranky and turned on each other! We both apologised soon after and found a compromise. I think it’s inevitable that people who spend loads of time together will get on each other’s nerves. I have anxiety so I know what you mean about catastrophising that every row means you’re doomed.

What are you fighting about?

Totally normal to argue but only if you can resolve those conflicts. If you argue endlessly and no one finds closure from it, or one does and the other is resentful there is work to be done. Saying that, I think every couple has a limit of arguments. More than once or twice a month with my DH is a problem, for some its more for others its less but if you reach that boundary you need to be working together on your relationship and the reasons behind the arguments.

I think a good row is very healthy tbh. Better than bottling it up. It's only an issue if you are having the same row over and over, I'd imagine.

DH and I have been married for 25 years. How have we done it? We've both wanted to leave at times, but never at the same time. It's that simple.

I think that bottling up disagreements or pretending they are not there can be far worse than arguing. Arguing is communication, albeit not the most pleasant form. As long as the two sides listen to each other as well as talk, and are willing to argue until they hammer out a compromise.

@tomhardysnextwife I read an article from an elderly couple that said the secret to a long marriage was they agreed to not get divorces unless they both wanted to at the same time. Sounds good to me!

DH and I disagree, of course we do

We never hurt each other with words or actions though

Yes! We argue but still in happy relationship.

Honestly, I don't think people who say they've never argued with their partner are particularly healthy. I always think there must be things about them that annoyed the other, but they just don't express it. It's not good in my experience to keep things bottled up because one day they will explode and the fall out is usually worse than if it was just talked about at the time.

DH and I went through a particularly shit patch after having our second DS. It was probably on the slide after our first really. There were dark times but through it all we did both agree that we wanted to keep going and work together on things. If you keep arguing about the same things without resolving anything, that's a red flag to me. But accepting that you're knackered looking after 2 young kids and never having time for yourselves let alone each other means tempers will be short, you can try and work together to fix it.

Of course you can!!
How sad to be that couple who continually say we instead of I!!

It depends on the 'arguing'. Disagreements are normal. So I'd the occasional slightly raised voice or dramatic sigh. Screaming or calling each other names on the other hand isn't.

I'd say this is quite true based on the limited info I have:

My husband says it’s normal and it’s part of us learning, connecting and understanding eachother as adults and as parents not as the teenagers we once were

Yes, it's normal to argue at times. I've been with my husband 40 years (I was almost 19 when we met), married 38 yrs.

We used to argue a lot when our sons were growing up - usually about who should do what in the house, and lack of money/spending etc.

Now, our sons are in their 30s, left home. We've paid the mortgage off, so we don't have the stress and arguments we used to have. We bicker sometimes, about stupid things such as him being untidy or me buying stuff we don't need - nothing major.

Things do get easier

It is usually me who causes arguments. I come across as nagging and not understanding when the truth is that I just want things done my way the way I imagine it. I have recently realised that’s linked to my anxiety of the unknown and needing to plan everything to a T. So when I am “nagging” to leave on time, cook dinner or book our family holiday, it’s just that I had made a mental step by step plan, which I understand doesn’t always work.

He used to be super chilled out and not respond or react, but I think he’s only human and has reached his limits of that element of my character so occasionally turns into big augments raised voices etc. He’s good at wanting to “debrief” arguments to see why we argued and how we can avoid it in future. I find this hard to do as I get defensive (because I know it was my fault)

I blame a lot of our communication issues to the fact that we met as teenagers (albeit mature teenagers) so never seeded proper methods for communicating. I spent a lot of time bottling things up in the first few years.

Lynne1Cat this is so comforting to read. I often imagine that we will look back at this moment and realise that it’s just a difficult phase of life. Raising 2 kids under 5 years old, moving house, starting a business and me getting severe post natal depression and anxiety after second daughter. It’s hard to put it into perspective when living through it but I’m hopeful we can be where you are now one day.

Totally normal. It's how you resolve them that matters.

People who say they never argue are either lying or one of the couple us completely cowed by the other.

Gosh, it’d all be a bit “Stepford” if it was a zero conflict marriage. I think it’s healthier to have discussion and embrace differing views in a respectful relationship. I pick my battles, if I really believe in my viewpoint I’ll stay with the topic until we find the postion where we can agree to disagree gracefully. I am wary of the always right brigade who need people to convert to their opinions. They are on a par with people pleasers who just agree with everybody and cause confusion when people compare what that person has said their beliefs are on a topic.

Conflict resolution can sometimes be a dark art but worth the effort to master the building blocks in a good relationship.

Hi Op I could have written your post. I have always suffered with anxiety but it’s always worse after having just had a baby. We are on dc4 which we both wanted, however do works away and while I’m quite used to doing everything myself. This time of the year always gets me as it’a super busy.
I have been feeling awful for the last few days and I must admit I always take it out on dp as I feel partial resentment towards him about how I feel as think if he wasn’t away so much I wouldn’t struggle so much.
Anyway I thought I post this he says exactly the same after arguing and I’m feeling that’s the end of us. He says all couples argue but I can’t helpfeeling helpless...
Sorry this isn’t helpful in any way but you are not alone in how you feel

Yes, of course you can. But if your arguments and clashes are regular then that's not a norm and no way is it a happy marriage.

I very rarely argue with DP but when we do argue it's short-lived. Both not into letting arguments drag on,
no name-calling, hurtful insults etc. Better to resolve whatever the issue is. As pp's have said, how you go about conflict resolution is key.

You and your husband don't sound as if you're particularly unkind to each other OP. You've both taken a lot on though in terms of life happenings. Try not to take on anything else for now if you can. Sometimes it' really is too much and you just can't do everything, hence you're both weighed down and stressed..& arguments begin.

We never hurt each other with words or actions though.

Same here, been together a very long time and we’ve had some humdingers of arguments. We’ve never said or done anything to deliberately hurt the other.

Could you get some help for your anxiety. I’ve recently had therapy for anxiety and it’s helped me enormously.

Thank you all for your comments. It’s reassuring to know so many of you still happily married despite arguments.

I argued very very rarely in my first marriage as he was very laid back (horizontal in fact) and we ended up divorced because basically I built up a lot of silent fuming resentment, then ended up having an exit affair and left ( not because of the affair which had ended) , however this time I am married to a far more volatile person and for many years I made the same mistake. I have changed my mind on this now and speak my mind far more not just put up with crap for an easy life

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that those who think those of us who never shout at each other don't have a healthy relationship, should really look at their own in more detail. I have never shouted at my husband, used derogatory language or said anything to make him feel bad about himself, nor has he to me. We communicate openly and honestly and respect is at the forefront of all the we do. Of course everyone has disagreements and frustrations, but if in your marriage you turn those into personal attacks, that is not healthy.

I know two couples who claim to never argue. The fact is that neither husband dare argue with their wives.
From the outside it doesn't look healthy.
Blazing screaming matches won't help any relationship but the odd snapping/arguing is normal especially if there are other stresses and mostly you get on.