I am still very much married to a narcissistic abusive husband and we have a 4 year old together. We separated a year and a half ago and no longer live together. He still sees our son every other weekend but never overnight. He is a heavy drinker and can’t be trusted. He doesn’t like this but has never pushed it, as he wants to keep what happened behind closed doors, behind closed doors.
On visitation, he did the typical dead-beat-dad stuff of not turning up when he said he would and changing his mind last minute. In the end he turned his finger round and pointed it at me; as I hadn’t told him what I was doing or where I was going. Sometimes I was working so I had to cancel work, or take my son to work, or ring every tom dick and harry in my phone book to take our child. I do not have family in York which enabled my husband to control me through visitation.
Fast forward a few months and I now have a live in aupair and work full time so I can get divorced and take over the mortgage in our jointly owned home. Whether my husband turns up or not doesn't effect me. It does however effect our son. Now my husband knows I don't need him he turns up every other weekend as planned to collect our child. He still plays around with the weekdays, as he wants to collect him during the week after school for a few hours which I am happy with. However he can’t settle on a day. One weeks its Wednesday, then its Friday, then Monday, then eventually he settled on Wednesday. I said that that was great as our child needs a routine as he is struggling to accept his father absence. A few days ago he emailed me to say he needed to change it to a Friday. I said no and explained my reasons and I haven’t heard anything back yet. He has his own business and only works 3 days a week so he isn't beholden to anyone.
I do think it is in our sons interest to maintain contact with his father. I do not think a contact centre would be the right place for this (which was advised by a paralegal over a year ago). I don’t want him to have our child overnight whilst he is so young. He is only 4 and unable to communicate fully a truthful situation. What I fear is his father drinking and smoking in his house. Shouting, swearing, smashing or throwing items and my son being neglected and scared. This pattern of drunken anger would occur on average 3 times a week when we were together. He goes through phases of saying he’s quit drinking but then going back to normal again. He will not accept he has a drinking problem.
Saying this, I do have him on tape admitting he has a drinking problem. I also have a photo of him where he’s pee’d in his pants because he’s so drunk, a photo of a large bruise on my left breast where he shoved me against the wall and a video of him hurling abuse at me and spouting his dislike of our son. I have a letter from my gp as evidence of being a victim of domestic violence, which she wrote for legal aid. (I no longer qualify for legal aid as i work). I was also communicating with IAPT when we were still together. There are no police records of any incidents.
I need to find a divorce lawyer in York who won’t drag on the process for a higher fee and who is competent and knows what they are doing. It would be simpler and quicker if none of the abuse needed to come up. Naturally he will deny it and try to turn it round to me. I don’t think he will fight to have our son overnight, as he won’t want it to all come out. He has a respectable job and comes across as a very friendly, likeable guy who is great with kids.
I filed for a divorce in June myself. I found out this week it was never received by Bradford law courts. I now need to do it again. I want to do it properly and quickly through a solicitor. My husband will not behave in a fair manner and thinks he is entitled to everything as he was the bread winner. The only equity is whats in the house 70k (which we purchased together before we were married), his pension, ? and his business ? (which he only bought into 2 years ago and is still paying off the loan). His father told me years ago that his wife, my husbands mother, left him money to buy a house. My husband rubbished it. I don’t know if any nest egg exists. I don’t think we are entitled to any of it but it certainly doesn’t leave my husband destitute and I don’t have a clue if it exists. I do not think a forensic accountant would be a justifiable cost. My husband even lies about his salary. I got a letter demanding child benefit back, as my husband hadn't told me when we were together what he was earning. I should point out that no I don’t have expensive tastes and I don’t spend his money. He is a compulsive liar.
Because of our history mediation is out and could never be successful.
Who can I turn to? Does anyone personally recommend a divorce lawyer in York?
Thank you
xxx