NC'd for this.
Don't know where to start, I want to be brief but no drip feed. Please stay with me, we really need some wise thoughts.
DSS married quickly. They have been married for 2 years and have a 'honeymoon' baby who is 2.
Pre marriage was all a bit 'fairy tale', madly in love, big dramatic proposal, 'knight in shining armour' her family described my DSS as. She remained a virgin prior to marrying, they didn't live together. Our (I'm going to call her DIL) has some form of mental health issues that require medication.
Both a young professionals with stressful jobs. They live four hours away from us.
My DSS, a year into the marriage confessed to issues with alcohol. There was a difficult time last Autumn and into the Spring where he was in rehab. Information was that he wasn't happy at home, he is constantly surrounded by his wife's family and friends, his sex life was non existent as his wife thinks sex is dirty. He has slept with two other women, gone missing for periods of time, spent money they don't have. He says he just wants time with his wife, to be a family. They have one night a week that is their only time in their house alone.
Pressure financially comes from his wife; the latest of everything, no thought about how to pay.
He has been diagnosed bipolar and is on medication to prevent him drinking.
Now he is addicted to pain killers, has overdosed and is back in a mental health unit.
DSS mum has tried recently to talk gently to both of them about their relationship, that perhaps they need to look at the issues, that this is about both of then and their unhappiness. The response has been for DIL to ring DSS in the mental health unit and make him ring his mum to tell her she is banned from seeing her granddaughter. We tried a similar conversation last year and were banned from the house for a while. DIL blames his bipolar. She isn't prepared to make any adjustments to their lives to manage.
We feel they both have mental health issues which make the relationship complex. We feel that they are unwilling to address the issues in the marriage that are difficult. She blames him and we agree his behaviour is appalling. It just goes round and round. She comes across as very sweet, but really isn't and chips away at him all of the time. He feels unappreciated due to her never wanting to make love or even spend any quality time with him. They won't split (they can't afford to live apart). They are both off work again and are likely to eventually lose their jobs.
We have in the past paid for counseling for them both. He went, she wouldn't. We are 'hands off ' in the main, they are adults. We have tried once in the past to calm angry situations and help. They don't listen and then turn the advice against us, sticking together as if we are at fault. It is concerning that he is so ill at the moment yet she is insisting he cut off his own mum. We are frightened that he ends up isolated and then even more reliant on his wife and her family. He hasn't the strength or perhaps willingness to tell her how he feels about their marriage.
Do we do nothing and let them sort it out? Can they? What if our DSS does take his own life?