Life has been a tad bit difficult recently... well it's been difficult for year but the problems just got bigger and bigger and about a year ago I gave up and just letting things happening to me...
I don't know where to start. I have a small family, dad, mum, sister and me. We are not a happy family. I try but I can't remember any good memories ever. Nothing. There was always just too much drama. My parents weren't a happy couple and my sister (6 y older) find me a struggle as often she ended up looking after me. I remember me being a little girl, feeling awkward. I was so unsocial but my parents didn't care. I needed some love but no one listened unless I threw a tantrum. I remember being little and thinking this is not ok... I am not ok. I'm not worthy. This is how I grew up and the feeling stayed with me to this day( now I am 26) I moved away from home when I was 20... massive shock. My mum hated it as she couldn't control me anymore. My sister was jealous as I made the first step of getting out of the situation. I kept going home 3 times a year for a week or sometimes a bit more(I moved abroad when I was 20) then about 4 years ago my sister took a step and she moved to a different continent. It was sudden and unclear... stuff like visa and bits were dodgy :( still are I guess but my sister cut all of us out of her life about 10 months ago. She is a wreck and I don't know if I can blame her. She lost the plot for sure and mentally not 100%. My mum started blaming for this ... been through many phone conversations when she's shout at me and say she wishes someone else was my mum. She hurt me for months like this then I just stopped contacting her. July was the last time we spoke... on my birthday she called and it was awful.
I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. I think he loves me too although I wish he cared a bit more. We don't talk about my situation with my family. He says he doesn't know what to say and I appreciate that but the truth is sometimes I just want to talk and I don't need him to fix my problems I need him to listen. I think it makes him feel uncomfortable so I don't say anything.
His family really, I mean REALLY keeps together. I don't think I fit in the family or there is room for me. Every time I am with them I feel even more awkward, I feel I'm saying the wrong thing that I am walking on eggshells. I tried at the beginning... to say hi when they were on FaceTime, to wish happy birthday to all of them, to take meaningful presents when visiting or for Xmas ... I suggested my boyfriend to ask them to visit (he is from abroad too and we living in England). But I just don't fit. I am awkward and probably have a weird sense of humour so ...
Last Xmas was AWFUL. The situation with my sister and parents started escalating . I saw all 3 of them in November when went to visit my sister with my parents. It was tears and fighting and tears and arguing it was sad. I wish I didn't go ... I was going to go home but I just couldn't. I couldn't cope with more. I wanted to spend Xmas with my boyfriend but he didn't talk about it and never suggested to spend together. I knew his whole family ( including siblings nephews, nieces) were going back home and he wanted to be there. We spoke about Xmas literally one week before and I told him I'm staying in England and he said he can't let me stay on my own at Xmas. Then started the whole issue about that ... I didn't want to go to his parents. I wasn't invited up till he suggested just there and then one week before Xmas that I go with him. I wasn't involved and I couldn't cope mentally with the whole Christmas with his family plus my family issues. We went at the end for a couple of days before Xmas but came back home for Christmas Day. It was awful the tension and everyone in wtf like why do we go home before Xmas. I remember before we left I just cried and my boyfriend spoke barley a word to me on the journey back home. I know it was in a huge amount my fault. We should have just stayed and not ruining his family's Xmas.
I haven't seen them since. I asked my boyfriend to ask his parents to come over for a weekend a few times but either he didn't ask or they didn't want to come. It's October and I feel the knot in my tummy. It's going to bebloody Christmas again in no time and I'm feeling the same. I don't want I go anywhere. I more or less just want to sleep through Xmas and forget it and I want him to go home and have his fun with his family. I know I got it from everyone else befor that what would I do if he did it and left me on my own. Well I'd survive, in the bottom of my heart I'd want to spend it with him of course...but I appreciate he has his family and that it's Xmas and I don't want the guilt again for ruining their holiday. And the problem is that even if I wanted to talk to him about it I can't... I tried all the time. We have been together for 4 years and I realised he is not so much of a speaker.
Anyone ? Some constructive opinions? Suggestions on what to do?