advice

[monalisa12]

This is not about a relationship as such but a friendship. I have a male friend who lives in quite a dirty run down house. The toilet and shower is absolutely filthy and there is plaster falling off the upstairs wall where the wallpaper is ripped. Yesterday I went there with some other people and the house was very cold and people were saying its cold here and the reason for that was that the heating had broken down so he allowed guests to sit in a very cold house with no alternative heating. The carpets are dirty and the banisters have a layer of dirt on. We had food and drink and the wine glasses looked as if they had not been washed properly. This person is a fit and healthy person not elderly so I do not understand how he can live like this. It makes me never want to go round to his house again. I want to say something. When I used the toilet I looked in the shower and there was grime everywhere and I got a bit of tissue and wet it and rubbed it over the tiles and the grime came off so it would only take 30 minutes to clean the shower and the shower seat was filthy too as was the shower head etc. I could understand a person with dementia or a physical disability but his is just sheer laziness. Should I say something or make excuses never to go there again. In all other ways the friend is ok and is not a dirty person but his home is dirty and needs repair badly. He needs someone to come and clean the carpets and he needs to bleach his toilet and clean the shower. The would be a good start and then he can go from there. I would be too embarrassed to have people round if my home was in that state

Maybe cleaning is just not on his agenda? Offer to help maybe, it may well be it's all too much for him. Or suggest a deep clean and cleaning company.

Some people live like that, especially men living on their own (yeah, a sexist comment, I know!) Tell him to get a cleaner. Is he very poor - can't he afford to get the heating repaired? They're forecasting a very cold winter. I'd say something tbh.

It’s his home and he’s not bothered. You could maybe tease him gently (once) about his loo, but otherwise you risk offending him. Some people are just like that.

If he ever grumbles to you about being single, then would be a good time to point out that a cold filthy house would put a lot of women off.

Does he live alone? Might he have depression or just not spend much time there? Does he own or rent? For some people cleaning is not priority , never learnt how or they just become accustomed to it, so do not perceive it the same way as a visitor. You do not have to visit though, your choice, you sound quite judgemental or maybe suggest a working party to blitz it.

If it is rented he needs to et the landlord to fix the heating. And plastering.

This is how he lives. I dont eat at my father in laws house as it is disgusting. He is nearly 80 but he has never cleaned. It tells you he is not marriage material. Beyond that it is not your business.

My best friend lives like this. She’s female. She doesn’t really clean or tidy her flat. Well sometimes she does a little bit but that’s rare. It’s just the way she is. It’s not how I choose to live but it’s her choice. It doesn’t stop me visiting and I do gently rib her about it sometimes. I’m sure she probably thinks I’m cleaning obsessed .

My fried does live alone and it is his own house It belonged to his mum and he inherited it when she died. He does not suffer from depression. As for being marriage material and putting women off when men and women get together it is usually the woman who is domesticated and she would make sure the house is very clean and tidy so the home would no longer be dirty. But as my friend lives alone then it is his responsibility and he has nobody to pull him into shape and say we should dust and polish and clean the place once a week. If you let things slide then the dirt builds up and you have to spend a week cleaning but cleaning every other day or once a week keeps it up to scratch and so there is less to do. I spend every Saturday hoovering and washing my kitchen floor and clean my bathroom on a Sunday and every evening before I go to bed I put some bleach down my toilet to stop it going discoloured

I have a male friend who lives in a dreadful state. Totally doesn’t care. We went round to his very expensive flat in the centre of London.... there was filth everywhere, black spots on the mirror in the bathroom ended up being mini fruit flies,,,, towel on the ground looked like it had been soaked in faeces... his kitchen was truly disgusting and his table looked like he had smeared faeces on it, mouse droppings, I won’t be going back....I told him he can live in anyway he sees fit but I won’t be visiting...it was one of the worst sights I have seen in a long time and this man has money and could pay for it to be cleaned. I would say something

You don’t know he doesn’t have depression OP, you can’t see into his head. It certainly sounds like he’s struggling in some way - nobody would choose to leave their heating broken just as we’re entering October, so either he’s got money issues or disordered thoughts or lacking enough mental energy/focus to get things done for some reason.

I’m not really sure what you’re asking from this post but I’d talk to him and see what the problem is.