Dating nerves

[NC4Now]

First date tomorrow after breaking up with husband and I am scared. He seems a pleasant enough chap, but I am still really low on self esteem underneath my confident exterior.

It's probably too soon - I think I just wanted some attention after feeling neglected by H for so long.

I've put on quite a bit of weight in the last year with the stress of it all and I'm pretty sure this guy be disappointed with what he sees. I've considered cancelling but it seems a bit late and silly now.

Any tips (or ways I can lose 3st overnight?)

how long you been single??

About six months

oh ok not as soon as i thought it may be but you dont seem ready to date yet. did you meet old??

Yeah. I’m just so certain no-one will want me as I am. I don’t know why. I’m generally quite fun and popular when I meet new people. It’s just my body confidence that’s low.

Too soon, OP.

Hasn’t he seen photos of you?

Yes, but they are from last year.

OP, I have done quite a bit of OLD myself in the last two years, and I agree with PP you don't sound ready.

I have found that in order to do OLD "the right way", you need to be in a really good place emotionally and mentally, as it can be a tough process. I am currently taking a break myself, as it got a bit much and I can't handle it with the necessary lightheartedness.

I suggest you to take more time off from dating and just focus on the rest of your life, while you rebuild your sense of self and self-esteem.

I think you’re probably right Sonjing. I did OLD a decade ago (it’s how I met ex H) but it feels different now.

It’s weird because I’m actually a really confident, outgoing person. It’s just this scenario that has me rattled.

I think I’ll go along today and then bow out gracefully.

I don’t think I have ever been as nervous in my life as when I met my first online date.

Perhaps if you go for a coffee and think of it as a pre-date meeting to see if you want to go on a date?

We’re going to the pub at lunchtime. My kids are home at teatime, so I’ve got my get out clause!

I hope it goes well OP, but even if it doesn't, its all part of the learning process!

I agree with PP that you dont sound ready yet to date.

I was with my ex for 7 years and it was a good 2 years before I felt ready for anything more than a casual shag.

It’s weird because I’m actually a really confident, outgoing person. It’s just this scenario that has me rattled

OP I totally get it and I am exactly the same. After a string of bad dates and a 3 month "fling" with someone I met online, I woke up one day to the realization that I was an emotional wreck and that my previously healthy self-esteem was in tatters. The more people I chatted and went on horrible dates with, the worse I felt.

OLD is not for the faint of heart I am afraid

Don’t drink is my advice!

It’s ok to politely say ‘I’m sorry, i’m Not ready’ and leave if you feel you need to.

It might be ok though. Good luck with it.

It might be ok, you’re right. I think if I’m not ready I just won’t fancy him.

I went on plenty of first and last dates last time, and even though it didn’t work out in the end, it was different when I met my husband.

I’m probably trying to protect myself by keeping my expectations low.

You know what? It was actually really nice. I’m not sure I fancy him - he’s really keen, but it was a pleasant afternoon.
He seems to understand my kids are my top priority and actually, my weight cropped up in conversation (we were talking about quitting smoking, which I’ve done successfully) and he told me not to be daft.
I’ll probably go on a second date with him.
Not sure if there will be a third, but we’ll see...

I can sort of relate OP, STBXH left last summer after 20 years together (17 married) and 2DCs. Been together since I was 17, only man I have known since then. Used to be a size 8, weight fluctuated through relationship, bit overweight when he left, lost loads, have now put it back on. Had counselling, partly for me and partly to help as he was abusive. I feel happier and to the outside world I would seem confident etc but I know I am not ready for OLD or finding someone in.other situations, mainly because put weight back on and very body conscious. ...I have no idea what the modern (non arsehole) man thinks of a bit of wobble and I'm petrified to find.out! !!. Glad your date went well and will follow with interest!

I’m really pleased to hear that OP.

It must give you confidence?

I think we are more worried about any wobble, and any man worried about wobble isn’t good enough for you.

When it comes to getting down to it, I suspect they are just delighted to be having sex than thinking ‘ew, cellulite’.

It did give me confidence actually. He may not be the man for me, but it made me realise that I can be attractive.

I felt very invisible in the last few years of my marriage and I think I’ve processed that badly.

The invisibility is an interesting one. As we age we become more invisible (I don’t think you have said how old you are?) I think we become invisible within marriage, and invisible within society. In some ways it’s very liberating. I feel that there is less at stake when I voice an opinion, that I no longer care what people think of me. We women improve with age.

But then, we need to be noticed because we want to find love. Even the dodgiest of OLD men will set their sights 10 years younger, so must we compete for their attention against younger women who aren’t battle scarred, peri-menopausal and still blooming with youth?*

(*The answer by the way is ‘fuck that shit. I’m great as I am and too good for any man who thinks that way’ 😄).

You have nothing to lose going on more dates. You can stop at anytime. It good you are gaining confidence because of it! It did the same for me!

I’m 41, but young looking. People are often surprised by my age.
I don’t feel totally invisible in society - I do an interesting job that people think is cool (it’s not, it’s graft mostly 😆).
It’s just in a romantic context I struggle with self esteem.
It’s interesting, isn’t it? I’m naturally very independent and free spirited, but yet I want a romantic partner to validate my self worth.

Well OP, you have youthful looks, energy, and a place in society. 41 is in your prime. You have everything going for you.

Stop focusing on your weight this instant.

You’re a catch!!

I've been single about 18 months and even sometimes now I don't feel ready. I go on dates as and when I feel like it and it can be a confidence boost. It's also just nice to get out and meet people. Think of it as being part of your dating experience. I put a lot of pressure on what dates were at first - as though something HAD to come from it. Now I look at them as just meeting someone like you would at work, going out for a drink or two to get to know each other, and the likeliness it will be more is slim but who knows.

Sounds like it gave you the confidence boost you needed. It also sounds like you're becoming self aware to who you actually are. Single life is all about discovering who you are as a person and what you're looking for. Enjoy it :)