Manhandled

[maskingtherealme]

It’s only just happened within the past few hours.
A conversation with MIL overheard by DH. Just a ‘run of the mill’ conversation and he overheard it. An argument occurred. We both shouted at each other (me because he denied saying something to me months ago) All over house stuff - nothing major or serious.

He lunged forward, grabbed both forearms, squeezing them as he pushed me back into the wall. His stare was icy cold. He was saying something but I don’t know what as I was so shocked he became violent or aggressive? I managed to break free as he held me tight against the wall and teary told him we are finished; we are over. I scrambled for my car keys and got in the car to leave. He stood at the back of my car trying to stop me. (He did apologise as I wa looking for my keys). I kept slowly reversing and managed to get into the drive from the garage. He then opened my door and took my keys. I walked off to my mum’s.

Came back an hour ago. He’s went upstairs and said sorry again and that he will stay out of the way.

I am numb with shock. Together for 13 years and not once has he EVER laid a finger in me or became aggressive. Apparently he told my mum he’s having car issues. I said that is scary if he behaves like that over a bloody car!

I’m a mess with my thoughts. I know my head is saying don’t make any rash decisions but I have no idea how to deal with this. He is a mild mannered person. Never swears, never shown violence. He is emotionally inept. Never told me he loves me - not once. Can’t bring himself to tell his daughter he loves her when she’s always saying “I love you daddy!”

I don’t know this man anymore.

Please I don’t want any LTB sharp, brief comments. Just some ‘I’ve been through this and this is how I dealt with it’ comments.

It has only happened in the last 5 hours. I’m in shock.

By the way, my daughter MAY have witnessed it. She knows we were arguing as she came running through to tell us to stop fighting. She’s a pre-schooler. My primary aged son was nowhere to be seen. No idea. He’s not said. MIL saw the altercation but claims to have left before he lunged at me.

I’m just numb with shock. My head is pounding. And my arms are sore. No marks left though. Except emotional ones.

I’ve not been through anything like this but my advice would be to get yourself and your kids somewhere safe for now. Take time to process what’s happened but really, can you ever trust him again? Can you trust him with your kids? I’m pretty sure for me it’d be a divorcable offence. But there’s no rush to make a decision - just be safe for now.

OP, if you are not going to leave him, at least report to the police.
I feel if there are no serious consequences for his actions, he'll do it again.
I have been assaulted twice by an ex. I didn't call the police but I did eventually leave him (about 18 months) later. Having witnessed spousal abuse as a child, normalised this behaviour to some degree. Do you want that for your child?

My head does say NOT to make any decisions just yet as I am aware my emotions are all over the place.

I had and have no intentions of reporting this to the police and I totally agree with what you said but coming from that other side, I can understand why partners don’t initially.

It’s opened a can of worms for me. I felt like he was detached a long time ago but I am the sort of person who will bury their head in the sand, hate confrontations and allow others to walk all over me. It’s my weakness. I haven’t felt loved by him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s never done anything to emotionally or physically abuse me before; but his own family upbringing may have a lot of answers why he cannot be open about his affection towards his wife. I’m not on about full on smooching but he never has told me he loves me, never shows the normal affectionate behaviour such as a hand in my back, that look in his eye as he looks at you, hand holding etc. He’s not meeting my emotional needs and I suppose what’s happened has now brought all this to the surface that we both have to address.

I don’t know if I am going to leave him nor do I know if we will work on this.

Currently in the spare room. Kids asleep. MIL in the house too.

I hope you mean he is in the spare room - where he should be for quite some time imo.
My exh shut a door on my arm deliberately once.
We split about 6 months later.

What a horrid shock for you. If this behaviour is totally out of character after 13 years, I think I’d be needing him to take responsibility and work on whatever is going on for him that led to this as well as have some really frank talks. Having said that, I wish I’d left the first time my Ex scared me and that was less than this. It’s not acceptable behaviour. Please don’t just let it wash over. Do you have a good friend or family you can discuss with?

No I am in the spare room. TBH I prefer the bed! He wouldn’t at all. It’s not the first time but back then we simply argued. No violence.

I will admit, it’s not looking good. I do hope he realises that’s this is not a 24 hour thing like other times. Come Monday when kids are at nursery and school, and he’s at work, I am moving my stuff into the spare room.

I will be here a while. I need time to calm down and think rationally.

be really really careful

just come out of a horrific abusive relationship

I felt so bad for him, worried about his upbringing and why he was mean to others etc instead of protecting myself

in the end he flung his 5 week old baby on a sofa
dragged me by the shoulder and took me to bedroom to kill me
i managed to make it out

please think of your safety
he shouldnt have ever laid a finger on you EVER

I have my mum and a good friend who I am seeing tomorrow actually.

She went through similar but far worse abuse than this with her first husband.

Keep hearing noises. Heard a bang. Not sure what it was especially as I think all in bed. It’s a BIG house. I am not investigating. I am fearful. Not OF him just fearful. 🤷‍♀️

How are things now?

Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning op - what a terrible experience for you.

I know you don't want hear ltb - but I think you know what you need to do here...

Exhausted. Emotionally drained. Things are okay. I text him this morning (I don’t want to be around him at the moment) and said I believe he is sorry. This is a man who doesn’t even swear, hates gossip and actually walks away from disagreements!! He told my mum it was his car issues and nothing else but it makes no sense for him to fly off the handle about a conversation me and his mum were having due to ‘car issues’. He’s a closed book and rarely shares his feelings.

I went out this morning at 8:30 to go to my mum’s and do some grocery shopping. Came back to flowers. That shocked me. In 13 years he has NEVER got me flowers EVER.

He’s doing what I want and that’s space. He’s washed our cars just now and I am going out in little over an hour to a children’s birthday party.

I am simply trying to act normal - sorting tea out etc. He tried to lighten the mood this morning with a text about something mundane but I think he got the message it wasn’t working.

Currently sat in the spare room. I’m tired. He’s come in just now. Can hear him.

Leave him. It’s not rash to leave him due to physical violence and intense threat.

Please leave.

He got you flowers because he physically injured, controlled and fight ended you.

Stay with him and you may get a lot of flowers

*frightened

I know it's not the point of the thread, but in 13 years he's never told you he loves you? I;m most definitely not the touchy-feely type but I wouldn't have married/moved in with a man who was so emotionally illiterate.

Regarding your current situation, I'd ask him to move out for 3 months to prove himself and that he's taken real world action on his anger issues (his car? really?)

Flowers do not make up for physical assault, and the fact he is trying to butter you up with them, is frankly appalling, especially as in 13 years he's never bought you any.

Trying to make it up by cleaning your car.

I'm sorry, but if he does it once, he'll do it again.

The car cleaning isn’t buttering me up. It’s normal every weekend job - the flowers, yes. I feel like a bitch for not saying thank you.
Trying to be normal with two children - young children - in the house.

It’s not easy. It’s sinply not easy making ANY decision.

There’s definitely more to this than meets the eye. I know my husband. I know it’s out of character for him. Definitely NOT making excuses for it.

There’s an awful lot more to come out in the wash as it’s barely benn24 hours since it happened. Longest 25 ours of my life.

Currently out at a children’s party. I am not teary anymore but feeling sad about the path our marriage and our family life has taken. I am trying to be ‘normal’ but it’s so hard.

I often feel silly because there are far more women AND men who have been through worse and on a lot more occasions.

We won’t ever be the same again, I know that. It may end up not working out.

But I refuse to give up on 13 years. I am considering telling him to seek counselling.

I think it’s hard for anyone to understand any circumstance as everyone us and our relationships are unique.

I don’t want anyone to think I am rubbishing any advice and in the past I would have given the same ‘LTB’ comments but being in that position of being assaulted (more or less) it’s NOT simple.

What else is there to come out in the wash, my lovely?

Tell your mum the truth. Do it now. Call women's aid for advice. Do that now.

If he did that out of character and out of the blue, just think how many more times that could happen. You'd never know. You'd always be wondering if this was the thing that tipped him over the edge.

Please seek counselling for YOU.

And personally, I'd throw the flowers in the chuffing bin.

He's expecting you to say thank you, and accept that he's sorry. That's what he wants. You are not a bitch to not say thank you. You wouldn't be a bitch if you threw them away, which most women would do, I would, I wouldn't want anything come from my hurt.

Buying you flowers is a strange thing, so he knows it's something he could do, but never once has. He's never said he loves you or his daughter.

I think counselling for you would be a good idea, alone. I think you are lacking self esteem to be honest. To be with a man who has never told you he loves you, and you know this, so it's something you are aware he's never done.

The way he's treated you is not acceptable. It's abuse, and abuse will pretty much always escalate.

What more is there to come out in the wash? As I've noticed, people state one issue, but later on there are other drip feeding of other issues they have had, a drinking problem, previous affair, verbal abuse etc.

You are minimising this so much OP.

If you saw him do it to one of your DC, would you react with the same uncertainty?

You’ll probably say he never would. But you would have said that about him assaulting you last week, right?

Violence aside, do have a think about why you continued in a relationship with an emotionally stunted man who has never said i love you. And why haven't you tore him anew one each time he ignored DD's affection? Why can't you stick up for her? Do you feel grateful that he picked you?

Unfortunately the next flowers purchased for you may be on your grave-you are minimalizibg it now but your account of his assault on you was chilling-he should’ve begged you on hands and knees to forgive him not a lame bouquet of flowers on the table and no true apology

13 years is along time but maybe suggest you both live appart until he can get some counciling or some sort of help to find the man you fell in love wihh because lately jt seems he's lost himself and if he doesn't agree to that then my best advice is please leave. My partner hits me and I wish I left when he first ever went for me because now he does it like its normal and I'm stuck in a bad rut. Its easier said then done I know belive me! I'm now going behind his back with domestic abuse to get my and my children away, hopefully get keys to a new sevure house tomorrow BUT please don't end up in my situation if he doesn't agree to do something about his actions xx

I think you should pack up and take your daughter to stay with your mum for a couple of days until the situation calms down. Explain it's not forever, just to give you both some space. When you are ready to come back try to talk about what happened (without your daughter around), let him know if it happens again you will call the police.