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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where do we go from here?

6 replies

Howdidweenduphere · 06/10/2018 20:05

In brief...married 8 years and two young dc. Basically since married weve had a few life traumas..culminating in the death of my mum just over a year ago which I'm struggling to come to terms with. I just feel me and dh have just drifted so so far apart. I dread weekends...we get on better when we have space from each other. I find he can be selfish with favouring playing on his sodding phone or watching sport to spending time with his kids. Don't get me wrong.. he is a wonderful dad in some ways but he, like me unfortunately, is short tempered and finds the constant mess and clutter frustrating. The biggest issue between us however is intimacy. The way I'm feeling at moment (anxiety and lots of down days) I could quite happily never have sex again. Couldn't care less about it. But i know that in some ways I'm being selfish...but should i really just do it to appease him?! He badgers me at least once a week for it which generally doesn't happen. Just can't make myself do it. If it wasn't for my dc...id be gone. The thought of splitting my family up makes me feel sick..but I can't go on like this. I'm sure from his pov there is plenty I do wrong..I get that it's not all one sided. Wtf do I do. Why did we go so badly wrong. Counselling? Maybe...but we have no one to help/look after the kids to let us do this. I'm so so fed up. Don't even know what kind of responses I'm looking for..I've just had enough.

OP posts:
Weightsandmeasures · 06/10/2018 20:25

What exactly is the problem as you see it? Is it him wanting sex and you not or are there wider issues here? What precisely are you fed up with?

Howdidweenduphere · 06/10/2018 20:46

Everything!! Intimacy (or lack of) is driving the biggest wedge. But I just feel he's not (as cheesey as it sounds) the man I married. I'm not sure I like or even love him any more. But I do think that relationships shouldn't be given up lightly. As I said I'm not even sure what sort of responses people can give me...I guess I just wanted to get my frustrations down. Is it possible to fall out of love and back in again? Or have we irreparably grown apart? I think a bit part of it has been the traumas. I can't go into too much detail but we really have had our fair share over the years. Had these not have happened then i think it's possible we could be in a different place..

OP posts:
Edsmother · 06/10/2018 21:55

Honestly, it sounds as if you have fallen out of love with him. My relationship is failing and it started with not wanting sex with him. Not that I didn’t fancy him, I just went off it I guess.
We all can change and grow apart. Be honest with yourself about what you want.
Remember what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger xx

Howdidweenduphere · 07/10/2018 11:05

Sorry to hear that edsmother. I'm looking into counselling this morning. I just cannot imagine breaking my family up. Wish we could get that spark back. Has anyone got any positive stories?! I.e. thought relationship was doomed but instead was just a tough patch Maybe?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/10/2018 11:17

Have you both talked openly about whether you both want things to be better, and if so how you can both make changes to see if it helps?

NotTheFordType · 07/10/2018 11:20

Im sorry OP but it sounds like you're at the point of "I don't love him but I don't want to do the work of leaving or be the bad guy"

Sometimes we need to be the bad guy.

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