Sick of DM treating me like a child

[turncloak]

I'm truly sick of this. Every single interaction I have with my DM leaves me seething for hours afterwards. She has always treated me (and younger DB) like this but really seems to have ramped it up since I had DD three years ago.

A few examples of conversations that we've had recently:

DM: You need to take DD to get her feet measured. Her shoes are far too small.
Me: I think they're okay. They don't seem tight.

DM: Don't be ridiculous. They're far too small. They're damaging her feet. Get them measured.

(A week later, after trip to the shoe shop)
DM: Did you get DD new shoes?
Me: Oh no, I took her to get her feet measured and the lady said she had a few more months of wear left in them.
DM: That's absurd. I doubt you even took her. Did you actually take her?

Me: The midwife has said that I need to go for growth scans every few weeks with this baby.
DM: That's absurd. Why?
Me: Because DD was quite small when she was born.
DM: Don't be ridiculous. She wasn't small at all. There must be some other reason. What's the real reason?
Me: Because DD was a bit small.
DM: Well that's not true. I know plenty of people who've had babies smaller than that. There must be some other reason.
Me: That's the reason.
DM: No it isn't.

DD did have her feet checked, and was 6lb8oz when born, and I'm just about ready to shoot someone. Every single thing I say and do is wrong. It's been like this my entire life. I'm 33 years old and married with a child (with another one the way) FFS.

Unfortunately DM provides much needed free childcare whilst I work two days a week so we can't go NC. Has anybody else experienced this?

I don’t get this whole my dm is a pita but gives us free childcare. Bloody well pay up for childminding and go nc if she annoys you so much.

Your DM is not respectful OP. I have a daughter a bit older than you, with two children, and I would never speak to her like that. I know she is an adult and treat her accordingly. I can only suggest going out for coffee and cake or lunch, just the two of you, and having a serious conversation with her, pointing out that you ceased to be a child some years ago and would appreciate her treating you as a fully grown up adult.

She has too much input into your lives because of the childcare, and sees herself as a co-parent almost. I wouldn't even tell her what the midwife said. Back off a bit. PIL were and still are like this with SIL for the same reason. It's only got worse as the DC got older, and has created an unhappy and unhealthy dynamic all round. SIL is so beholden now too, and expected to run round after her ageing parents as 'repayment'. Nursery cost me a fortune but was worth every penny in the long run.

Thank you for all of your replies, I really appreciate any kind of insight.

I completely agree that DM has too much input into our lives and does almost view herself as a co-parent. We made the (terrible) mistake of buying a house five minutes away from her a few weeks after DD was born. I thought as first time parents it would be great to have grandparents just around the corner, and also help to foster a close relationship between them and DD. I assumed that DM might finally start treating me like an adult after I had children of my own. Unfortunately it's only made her ten times worse.

I'm honestly not sure if being direct and trying to have a serious conversation about it would work. It's a great idea in theory, but she has so little respect for anything I do or say that any opinion I express gets dismissed immedietely, and this would be no different. I would tell her how unhappy I am with the way she speaks to me and she would tell me I'm being absurd. End of conversation. I'm wrong about everything, in her eyes. I'm incapable of choosing a suitable winter coat for DD, giving her the right food in her packed lunch, or even packing the right toys for her to take away on holiday. These are just a few of my downfalls that were brought up in the ten minutes that it took her to drop DD off earlier. I don't think we've ever had a real, adult, two-sided conversation in my entire life.

I wouldn't have even mentioned what the midwife had said, but my DH (who has never witnessed any of this behaviour first hand and therefore fails to see any real problem) mentioned it and I was then grilled mercilessly about it when she next saw me. I try not to tell her anything and keep small talk to an absolute minimum; I learnt very early on not to tell her anything even remotely important that was happening in my life.

Buying the house was a mistake, like you said.

Time to go nuclear and move.

Also get paid childcare when you move.

I'm incapable of choosing a suitable winter coat for DD, giving her the right food in her packed lunch, or even packing the right toys for her to take away on holiday

Can you say something like 'Mother do you think you did such poor parenting raising me, that you now think I can't raise my own child?' Head tilt?

'Oh you think the qualified professionals are wrong?' I'll let them know next time I'm there

Sounds like your Mum has some sort of anxiety or control issues around your DD, and yes believes that she knows better than you unfortunately. You know what she is like though, so you should just expect it and laugh it off/take the piss wherever possible.

The shoes, tell her that foot binding is coming back in fashion and DD is now getting much more wear out of her shoes, and its saving you a fortune.

The scan, admit that you told the MW that your mother was a velociraptor and they want to check for claws and a snout.

etc etc

OP this sounds like a nightmare. You do know she is going to treat your DD just the same way? I would move and start a life without her, you are hoping for something that will never happen - that you will get the understanding, loving mother you crave and will treat you as an equal and with respect.

I am sorry but she will never change - this is who she is. Don’t plan your life on hope but reality.

You have to put your big girl pants on and set her straight. And be prepared to make alternative childcare arrangements.

Im afraid all you can do is keep her at a distance or have very strong boundaries. She won’t listen to you even if you try and set her straight as others suggest. I think she’s one of those. I understand how you feel and also put up with similar nonsense. My parent is unable to see me as an adult and you just can’t change them. You can only change how you are and what you do.

It's not good for your daughter hearing her talk like this to you. Is she hyper critical of her too? Why on earth you would take free childcare from someone who bullies you so nastily blows my mind. Hope you are OK OP and hope you can set some boundaries in the relationship.

Year SIL lives next door to PIL! With hindsight she says it was a terrible mistake. The sad thing is the close grandparental relationship she hoped for with the DC is quite the opposite as PIL are simply seen as 'extra parents' constantly advising, criticising and constantly there. Now teens, my nephews leave the key in the door so PIL can't get in! There's a lot of frustration and resentment and SIL can't move as parents are needing more help and she feels she's 'owes' them. If you're going to change anything do it soon.

If you don’t want her to see herself as a co -parent you need to pay for childcare.

I have similar problems with my overbearing DM. Drives me mad. Thankfully she does t live nearby. She does insist on visiting for 3 days every 6 weeks though. Drives me insane.

Thank you for all of your supportive comments, I really do appreciate it. I was expecting people to tell me that I was overreacting like DH does and it's reassuring to have some validation. DM has never shown her true colours in front of him and he just sees her as a bit bossy and overbearing and thinks it's all a bit funny. I've never told him just how upset it makes me as he simply wouldn't understand, and, quite frankly, I'm embarrassed. He has a very supporting and loving DM.

I remember once, when we went to visit for DDS first Christmas, DM once told me that I was 'mental' for leaving DDs bedrom window open at night, that DH was 'mental for marrying me' and that I wouldn't be laughing it about it when she 'reported me'. She got right in my face and was literally snarling at me like a dog, full of vitriol and hate. It has always stuck me with me, not just because she was so full of hate over such a trival thing, but I then heard her go downstairs and start chatting to my husband about something menial as if nothing had happened.

I wish moving was an option but it really isn't viable. The last house move crippled us financially and DH wouldn't consider moving away from his family or work anyway. I don't particularly want to leave my friends, DB or DF either, and feel like it's unfair that I should have to even consider it just because DM is vile.

Regarding the way DM treats my daughter, it's my absolute biggest fear that she will start to treat my daughter like this. I can cope with it and almost let it wash over me as I've learnt to for the last 33 years, but I'm worried that it will really affect my daughter. My self confidence has been through the floor for as long as I can remember, and I cant make even the most basic decisions as I'm so used yo being told what to do and thinkm DD is such a happy, confident little girl and it would kill me to see her end up like me. She will be starting school next year so thankfully will be away from DMs clutches, but I worry constantly about the next baby and what I will do about work and childcare. We really do need for me to work, but I only earn minimum wage in a part time admin job so I would literally just be working to pay the childcare bill. It really feels like I have no way out.

This whole situation has put a dampner on this pregnancy and I just can't bring myself to get excited about this (very much wanted) baby. I think pregnancy hormones are making it worse too - I go to bed most nights now replaying conversations that I've had with DM in my head repeatedly, thinking about what I could have said or done differently, and often just end up crying.

You’re paying a huge price for free childcare. Any chance you could find work in the evenings?

She wanted to report you for having a window open ?
That's crazy.
Could you work from home ?

She’s a very abusive woman. You can’t allow her to abuse your children too - you’ve already said that she speaks to you in the most vile ways but never in front of your husband, and then pretends nothing happened. She could very easily be doing the same to your daughter, and then the same to your new baby when s/he arrives. It’s already harmful to your daughter that she sees her Mum belittled, undermined and called a liar.

I know it’s hard but you have to stop using her as childcare. You can’t take that risk. If I were you I would not be alone with that woman ever, and my children certainly would never be, even for a minute.

If your husband doesn’t believe you and back you up, he is part of the problem too.

You poor thing, you’ve had an abusive relationship with your mother probably your whole life and as is so often the case it takes having children of your own before you really notice and start to deal with it. Counselling would really help you here I think, but the practical steps of STOPPING unsupervised access to you and your children needs to start pretty much today.

Get away asap. Been there with DM, still picking up the pieces with DD having had my parenting completely undermined by DM for years. Don't leave it as long as I did to sort it out.

Thanks all.

Evening work would be brilliant, that's exactly what I had always planned to do when DD was born. Unfortunately DHs hours are unreliable - sometimes he can be home at 5.30, sometimes at 8.30. It would make it impossible. Working from home definitely isn't an option either in my job. I just feel so stuck. I really do need to work.

@YesSheCan Do you mind me asking what affect your DMs behaviour had on your DD, and how you eventually managed to leave? Are you now NC? I would completely understand if you don't want to talk about it though.

Have PMd you