H not accepting it’s over

[Ilovebolly]

Things have been awful with H and I for a long time (separate rooms, barely communicating etc). We finally spoke last week where I told him it’s over and he agreed he would move out. Saw a solicitor on Friday to discuss where we go from here. Sadly just before my appointment he told me he won’t move out and basically that he thinks I will change my mind about us breaking up. As far as he’s concerned we are not yet separated - annoying as it would be good to agree a date of separation. He has always underestimated me and treated me like I don’t know what I’m doing and now he’s doing it again. He says he thinks this has all happened too quickly (even though he’s been hiding money for months) but it’s not a shock to him - we discussed divorce before the summer holidays.
He’s away this weekend and I’m not sure how to play it when he gets back. I’ve taken off my wedding ring but do I now tell him that I officially consider us separated? I’ve already told him I won’t change my mind but he’s just not listening.

If he won't move out, can you do it instead ? Staying "separated but still under the same roof" is terrible - I know, I did it for a few months because of a similar situation. Don't do it - he'll try to manipulate you . Move out if you can, you need to put distance between you. Good luck.

It’s not really possible for me to move out - got two dc who need to stay in the local area and not much in the way of rentals here.
I’m more wondering if I should spell it out absolutely loud and clear to H when he gets back that we are now separated and there is no going back? I’ve told him how I feel but he’s just not listening. 😫

Unfortunately it’s his house too. He can stay there till your work out the finances. Won’t the house have to be sold at some point or do you plan on buying him out.

He will probably leave if he can secure a new home. Have you talked about money and how this can be affordable for him? However if he is advised, as you will be advised, it will be to stay put to get the best deal. So you are going to have to manage joint living for some time, unless you have lots of money.

It sounds like he got to see a solicitor before you did and has been advised not to move out.

As above, you both have the right to stay till a decision is made about the house and you’ll know your finances but you may not be able to stay there long term if you can’t afford to buy him out and pay the mortgage on your own. He’s have been told not to go otherwise he’ll prove he can afford to live elsewhere while you keep the house.

You’re already in different rooms and that might continue until you’re divorced.

He can’t stop you filing the paperwork but he can make things difficult.

What did your solicitor say?

His agreement would make the next steps easier, but it is not a necessary part of the process.

You are seeing a solicitor and moving ahead with the divorce - he can keep assuming you'll change your mind or not taking you seriously, but ultimately that doesn't matter. It is going to happen whether he believes you or not.

Don't try to get him to admit that you are separated /divorcing. Reality doesn't require his sign off.

Solicitor said I can’t make him leave the house. As there are dc involved the plan is/was to do separation collaboratively but that’s going to be difficult if he won’t even agree we have actually separated. I’ve tried to be kind of nice about it up until now because of dc and the fact that I want it to be amicable as possible.
Just feel maybe I need to be more blunt about it. Although he did tell me that I was being “brutal”!!!

I am in the same position as you! It is horrible - you do just need to hold your line. My stbx is half heartedly looking at places to go but I fully expect him to still be here at Christmas. I try not to be nice to him but it’s hard with DD around - we’ve not told her we’re breaking up yet.

Everyone round here is very supportive as it’s not as unusual as you’d expect!

Sorry to hear you’re in the same position. Same as you, i don’t want to create a bad atmosphere for the kids but equally if I’m nice to H then it just helps him block out the reality of what’s happening. Just keep thinking that this time next year hopefully things will be better!

Well if the prat keeps insisting you’re going to change your mind, then insist that he shows you where he’s hiding his money. 😉 He can hardly say no.

Haha, that made me laugh (much needed!

Get the divorce rolling. He can’t refute evidence of his own eyes when the papers arrive for him to sign.

Perhaps he will leave of his own accord once he gets fed up. Who’s in the spare room? X

I’m in Aus, and I imagine it works differently here, but it might still help.

Here it counts for something if you send a read-receipt email to your spouse saying that due to x, x, & x you consider the formal separation to have begun on xx date. You can acknowledge the ‘under the same roof’ part, but also the ‘seperate rooms’ bit. You can even put a date by which you expect the sale of the home to be completed?

He doesn’t need to agree or respond. It might help his emotional process when he sees how serious you are. Regardless of the legal standing of the email. But check the wording with your solicitor in case binding yourself to certain dates isn’t in your best interest.