Hand holding needed

[WishingfulThinking]

I need a bit of hand holding if anyone is around.

I've just told H I want a divorce. We've been married forever but he did have an affair 3 years ago. We've been trying to get things back on track but I've been finding it too difficult to put his affair behind me and have been struggling to reconnect with him.

So today we had a discussion about how things are going, I told him I'm not happy and had a long pause where I practised saying 'I want a divorce' in my head.

Now that I have said the words out loud, my world has fallen apart and I can't stop crying. He packed some things and has left. I'm utterly devastated. I don't know what to do with myself.

Hang on in there. Sounds like you have obviously put a huge amount of thought into a decision which has a lot of difficult history behind it.

You have done the right thing.

The next bit will be tough, and wobbly, but it WILL be worth it, I promise. :)

Oh dear. I'm so sorry. What an awful thing you're going through x

Can you phone anyone who might be able to come round?

Can you put the kettle on and make some sweet tea for yourself? You are likely to experience some symptoms of shock so sugar is a good idea.

Do you work? If so, when are you next due back at work?

Mn will hold your hand. You will get through this. So many of us have been where you are and felt as you feel - healing does come. You will feel better. Your job is just to wait out the storm xx

To start with, put the kettle on, get some paper and a pen, and make a list of all the reasons why you had to do this.

Then write a separate list of several small things you can do which will need sorting out. You are moving forward.

Then have a treat. Xx

Thank you so much for such quick messages.

We've had a tough few days so I have been building up to it I suppose.
I've been completely overwhelmed by stress from this and some problems at work that I actually went to my GP on Thurs for something unrelated and I blurted out that my stress was making me ill. She has signed me off for 2 weeks.

I tried so hard to make it work. Put all my effort into it so now that it's ended, I don't really know what to do with myself. I have cried myself dry.

CoconutQueen, thank you. That's a really good idea. I will do that.

When I went through my last split, I felt like I needed some kind of manual, helping me know how the hell to get over it, ie day one: Do this; day two: Do that. Maybe one day I will write one!

Sadly, 3 years on, I am still in need of the manual, but that is a story for another time.

It sounds like you've been very brave @WishingfulThinking and have clearly be heading to this point for some time.

Right now the best you can do is be kind to yourself.! Have a glass of wine this evening and a takeaway and try to get some sleep. If you have a friend who can come over and keep you company give them a call.

Keep busy and as pp said make yourself a list. Little steps forward to a new you 💐

@WishingfulThinking you should be proud of yourself , you’ve put yourself first and realised it’s not worth it . Life’s too short I hope it’s a comfort to you to know that there is people out there who care even strangers like me ..... I wish you all the luck in the world . Chin up x

One day at a time OP.

Today is the first, look after yourself and let your mind settle.

Use MN for lots of emotional support and, when you are ready, practical advice.

But for now, have a quiet night. It will be ok.

What I don't understand is why do I feel so much worse tonight than when I found out about the affair.
I can't make sense of my feelings.

Are you sure you absolutely want a divorce? Are you sure there's no turning back? I guess it's been 3 years and if you can't get ove what happened then perhaps no much chance for things to improve. But have you always feel like this since his affair 3 years ago or is it just recent and perhaps you're going through an emotional phase recently?

You're feeling worse than when you found out about the affair perhaps because this time it's real that you guys are parting ways, that you look back at everything you have built together and feel that the are crumbling down and also you must be afraid of the future and the uncertainty that lies ahead of hav g to start your life all over again. Divorce is a big thing, thing carefully.

You feel worse because it is now over. Finally. But after a while, you will get so so much better. You have a bright future ahead, one with no doubts and trust issues. Keep going.

willbefine - I have never wanted a divorce, even with the history of the affair. It's me who brought us back together. But we've struggled to find that 'spark' in the last few weeks. It does feel very real now. He checked out of our marriage back then. Maybe I have now
Maybe I have been holding on to the long happy marriage we had before we crashed. Thats too long, too personal and complicated to go into here. But I just know I have been so unhappy recently.
I think I deserve a bit of happiness and peace.

In that case if you feel so sure in your heart that a divorce is the answer and you have emotionally checked out if this whole thing of the good memories and the happy marriage back then, then just be brave and move forward. I hope there’s no kid involved. Everyone deserves peace and happiness, it may be scary to think of the future and the uncertainty but at the same time you’re free and it’s exciting. Hope you can find peace.

I don’t know why you feel worse OP, maybe because it’s real? I do know that every day is different now. I remember having one day of sheer overwhelming grief. The next day was a ‘roll my sleeves up’ kind of day.

Now is about reconciling it in your own head.

Maybe if your H left too readily, maybe if there’s no fighting for it, it makes it even more disappointing for you?

We have grown up DCs. They just want their mum to be happy. They were my rocks after the affair fall out and, to be honest, have been baffled at my willingness to take their dad back. They are furious he treated me so badly, going against all the teachings he gave them as they were growing up - honesty, respect, openness, trust, love.
When I told DCs their dad was coming back, the older DC told me 'he'll never make you happy'. For a young man, that was somewhat prophetic...and correct.

I need to sleep on it and let the reality sink in. I'll see my best pal tomorrow so she will give me feedback. She's been with me through the highs and lows.

I'm so very very very sad and exhausted.

@Wishfulthinking all I can say is you come out the other side and it’s ok. Better than ok.

But early days for you. Babysteps.

Well now I can't sleep. There is so much - too much - to worry about.

I/we are going to have to sell our beloved house. It's the home of my dreams. I absolutely love it. The house could actually have been a subconscious reason i worked so hard to save our marriage for. I dread leaving here. There's no way I'll be able to afford to live somewhere like this on my own and it's too big for me to live here on my own.

Then there's the prospect of dividing up our stuff. Where do you start with that? We have years and years-worth of 'things'.

I do believe everyone who is telling me I will get through this but right now, I just don't know how I will.

Sympathies...
The house was the also one of the hardest parts for me as well when I’m thinking about breaking up with my 10 years partner. And I think your marriage was probably a lot longer than that. You don’t have to sell it if you don’t want to. You can rent it out (if he agrees) and still keep the house. Is there any chance you can buy off his share? Would your grown up children want to stay with you? Or you can consider not renting the whole place out but just the empty rooms.

Worse comes to worse, think of the positive side, after all you may not want to keep the house anyways since it has to many good memories.
Sorry not much help here, just hope you can find peace.

How are you feeling today Wishful?

I totally understand your feelings about the house. Don't give up on that yet - there may be a way around it, ie getting a lodger or two temporarily, or even renting out the whole house until you are in a different position financially.

It is interesting reading your post about the feelings of your children. Sounds like they will be very supportive and think you are doing the right thing, which may help you validate the fact that you ARE doing the right thing.

Little steps forward.

Thank you Coconut.
It's been a long day. I feel completely drained and emotionally exhausted. I find myself crying for no reason. I met my older DS for lunch. He was brilliant and said all the right things to make me feel better. He thinks I am doing the right thing. He has never managed to get over the fact his dad had an affair.

I will have to leave my home. We bought it when we full of love and hope for the future. It's too big just for me and I don't like the idea of lodgers. I'm rattling around but have kept the radio on in the kitchen and have put timers on some lights so I'm not coming home to silence and darkness.

I'm going to spend next weekend with my dad who lives quite far away. That will give me a break.

I feel a bit pathetic not feeling able to go to work tomorrow. Some people can go through traumas and just get on with it. My emotional strength has literally evaporated.