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Original poster

Can physical attraction grow?

25 replies

rosesfordinner · 05/10/2018 20:29

Been seeing someone for 6 weeks. I'm SO attracted to his personality and although we've not had sex, we have done bits and bobs and its been great so far..he makes me laugh, hes very consistent and we have similar views on life. The things we differ on dont matter because we get on so well.

BUT.. I just don't properly fancy him yet. He's not my usual type. When I meet him for dinner or whatever i dont think OMG hes gorgeous.

i dont want to stop seeing him as hes become quite special to me (although i dont like to admit that yet haha).

anyone had any experience of this where that side of things has resolved itself?!

OP posts:
Fettuccinecarbonara · 05/10/2018 20:35

Yes!

If you are with someone who is incredibly sexually attractive, the sex is amazing. Out of this world. But the conversation is not. And so you end up doubting yourself, maybe being jealous, maybe wondering if you are the one for him. And that dampens your sex life, and then, within a relatively short time, there’s nothing left except a desperation and a longing.

If you’re with someone who makes you laugh and treats you well, sex might take a back seat, but the pressure is off. And as the friendship and trust grows, the attraction does too. Sex becomes amazing, your bond is unbreakable, and your love grows ever stronger. Your communication together mean that your sex life can be the best you’ve ever had.

And whilst it might not be fireworks and rockets at first, it doesn’t fizzle out either.

Love and companionship over lust any day.

Original poster
rosesfordinner · 05/10/2018 20:38

fettuc that is a lovely post!

i feel excited to talk to him and be around him, and when we are in bed it is good for sure!! its just not fireworks and rockets...and that is what worries me, even though i love being close to him.

your post has reassured me :)

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 05/10/2018 20:43

Yes i wasnt physically attracted to my ex at all to begin with. He grew on me because he was awesome and we got on well. The sex was good ans then one day i just realised i loved him and didnt want to look at anyone else. (Obviously it went downhill years later for other reasons.)

Original poster
rosesfordinner · 05/10/2018 20:46

how long do you think it takes?

and....big question...should we DTD sooner rather than later or does it not matter?

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 05/10/2018 20:51

Yes it can and it always does for me, but I always have to fancy them a little bit for it to really grow.
If you feel absolutely no attraction at all, I wouldn't continue.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/10/2018 21:00

I thought DH was good-lucking when we met, albeit a chunkster. I'm chunky too, though :) He grew on me over a few weeks, rather than the full on lust I have felt for people in the past. Who usually turned out to be knobs by the way... There is a whole thing about sometimes that instant sexual attraction/butterflies thing is more fear based, and not true luuuurve as people think it is. I'm not explaining it well, perhaps you could google or someone who has a better memory than me will be along soon. Hissy is pretty clued up about this stuff. Anyhoo, he grew on me. We laugh a lot together, and have each other's backs, and are nice to each other. I am intending to get very old together, so that will do nicely. And the sex thing is actually very good with him, so that's a bonus. I am over 50, which may make a difference. When I was younger I had quite different views.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/10/2018 21:00

Good luck? Doh, I mean good-looking, obs :)

ApplestheHare · 05/10/2018 21:06

I'm not sure. I've had a couple of relationships like this and they've not ended well, both times due to jealousy on his part. I sort of think this was perhaps because they could both tell, on some level, that I didn't fancy them that much. I also think I confused the desire to keep and preserve each friendship with wanting a relationship.

I think you need that spark of attraction to maintain a good relationship and any kind of sex life in the long run when it gets harder (kidds, work, general life) to find time for each other. Without attraction, the relationship is just a friendship.

Namechanger1404 · 05/10/2018 21:37

After having my heart shattered, I vowed I would never have a relationship which was instant lust. I wanted to have common interests and get on, then hopefully it would grow.
I met a man who I didn’t fancy, but we got on. There was a lot going on in our lives that probably didn’t help the situation, but, ultimately I never fancied him, nothing grew, and we split earlier this year.

I do believe it can work, but there has to be SOMETHING, we clearly didn’t have that something!

n0ne · 05/10/2018 21:44

Has anyone been on the fence about fancying someone but then it developed anyway because you love... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3370232-Has-anyone-been-on-the-fence-about-fancying-someone-but-then-it-developed-anyway-because-you-loved-their-personality

LatentPhase · 05/10/2018 21:52

After my whirlwind romance ended in divorce 14 yrs later, I very consciously binned ‘attraction’ down the list in favour of friendship, shared interests, common values etc., much like Namechanger - I no longer trusted the spark at all. No siree.

Then I met a lovely guy. We had a relationship for about a year, but I never felt phoar about him. Never properly attracted to him although he had a lovely body. weirdly the sex was good. We were great as friends but it wasn’t to be.

So I continued my search for a friends/common values/shared interests type of guy. Came across someone OLD. Thought ‘he’s a bit weird looking’ (haha) I’ll give it a go.

Met him and Oh. My. Word. The lust... I thought ‘uh oh, this spells trouble’ and against my better judgement I met up with him again, totally expecting him to be a time waster/not compatible. I could not resist!

Well it’s 2.5 years now (so still new I guess) but it’s the best relationship by far. We have the lot, shared interests, sense of humour, values, backgrounds/life plans, and fancy each other like mad!

So now I’m on the fence about each theory initial attraction vs a grower, being ‘right’

mindutopia · 05/10/2018 22:00

Yes definitely it’s possible. Appearance change drastically over a lifetime. People get fatter, grey, lose their hair, change how they dress, etc, so surely being attracted to who they are and having an amazing connection and similar life goals is way more important.

When I met my dh, I instantly thought he was fun and we clicked and really got along. He was interesting and we always ended up talking on nights out (met through friends so initially ran into each other a lot). He was polite and consistent and made me feel really cared about. But honestly he was physically not my type at all and in fact, almost ridiculously not at all what I would find attractive. It’s not that I found him unattractive (and actually he is quite good looking!) but it wasn’t really anything physical that drew me to him. I just really liked him and we had so much fun together.

Obviously, all those other qualities ultimately ended up being way more important. He’s a genuinely awesome person and we have similar values and life goals...and a decade later, we’re married with dc. And I fancy the pants off him now. I think he’s quite a good catch and I’ve definitely done very well for myself (and certainly not a supermodel!). And now I have no idea what I used to find attractive about guys who were ‘my type’. They definitely don’t do it for me anymore. So yes, physical attraction can blossom when everything else is just right.

Helpmemyhairisterrible · 05/10/2018 22:04

Mid 30's and together 10 years. Honestly it took 7or 8 before I realised he's actually quite handsome. He's been my best mate and an excellent provider from early on though.

Original poster
rosesfordinner · 05/10/2018 22:12

helpmyhair why did you stay with him for so long long without it and what do you think made him handsome to you at 7/8 years in?

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 05/10/2018 22:15

A friend of mine met he partner at work. She didn't Andy him and they were just friends. Months later they went out together and have been together 14 years!

MarthaArthur · 05/10/2018 22:41

It took me months to find him ok looking. It was literally 3 years in i woke up and looked at him and thought aw you're actually quiet nice looking in an odd way.

Original poster
rosesfordinner · 06/10/2018 09:57

what changes after so long do you think?

OP posts:
JK1773 · 06/10/2018 10:07

My friend recently tried to set me up with a friend of hers. After I’d agreed to her giving him my number she sent me a photo of him. I don’t fancy him AT ALL. I’m not massively into looks but there was nothing about this guy I found attractive so when he did get in touch I didn’t lead him on and told him I wasn’t interested. I think there has to be something you find attractive. This guy might have had an amazing personality and I feel a bit bad that I haven’t given him a chance to see that. However I do feel attraction can grow. I’m just not that bothered about dating right now. My good friend met a guy she didn’t fancy and now they’re married with a young son and blissfully happy

MarthaArthur · 07/10/2018 20:50

What changed was i fell in love with him as a person. His looks just became him and because i loved him i ended up living his looks. Like when you have a crush on a popstar and they wear somerhing vile but you fancy them anyway because of what they represent to you.

Pretendingtobe · 08/10/2018 00:16

Yes.

Very much so.

user14869556378 · 08/10/2018 00:56

I think as long as you feel attracted to something about him, if it's not looks, then his personality or his kindness or being in his prescense. You just need to have some sort of natural pull to him (in my opinion). If I was to ever be back on dating scene again I'd definitely now veer towards building friendship first rather then let physical attraction take over (and cloud your views!)

Togaandsandals · 08/10/2018 03:27

Once it did but that was very early on after 2 dates. Another person it never did.

1forAll74 · 08/10/2018 03:58

Things seem to be going wonderfully well for you after six weeks OP.
There is no rush, and you will eventually see how you both feel about sex pretty soon I expect. You are having a good start to this relationship, and may it last and become more special.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 04:07

Wow yes definitely. No hurry. It's sounding great to me.
We have these images of 'my type' try something else because maybe you have just met your type
Best of luck with it Wink

PikaPikaTink · 08/10/2018 08:14

I think attraction can grow but I wouldn't start anything with someone until it did. Ultimately if you don't fancy him you won't be satisfied. Could you get to know him as a friend and see if you become attracted to him?

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