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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you do when your relationship with best friend has broken down but your DD's are best friends?

10 replies

MummyPenguin · 13/06/2007 10:05

Oh dear, might be long.

Basically, I was best friends with a Mum at school, we met when our DD's started Reception, they're now in Year 6. We became very close, had great times together, and were best friends. Things started to change about two years ago. She split up from her Husband, before things started to change between us, then a while after her break up she met another man, and this is when she really started to change. She also has her own business, and as well as being completely obssessed with her new realtionship (which lasted about 9 months, and ended about a year ago.) She also became very wrapped up in her work to the point where she became very self obssessed.

So that's a little bit of background, more recently she has been freezing me out more and more, for no reason. We've been on a few nights out as part of a group, and a few times on these occasions she's said that she misses the old times but does nothing to try and put things right. I must stress that this situation has come about due to the changes in her as a person. I haven't done anything to contribute to it.

We went out on last week in a group of other Mums from school, and at the end of the evening they said they were going home. Another Mum and I weren't ready to call it a night, so we went on to another bar. We found out the next day back at school, that after we left the group, the others didn't go home, they went on to another bar themselves, and it was all engineered by this friend that I'm having problems with. The Mum that I went on somewhere else with, and I, have become good friends, and I've wondered if my other 'friend' has a problem with this? Maybe she's a bit jealous of my new friendship? I know though, that she didn't want us with her and the group when they went on to another bar, as she clearly has a problem with me at the moment, and she doesn't seem to like my other friend either.

The thing is, our DD's are best friends. They're going to different secondary schools, so we will have to have some contact to arrange for the girls to see each other, but this is going to be really awkward. As things stand at the moment we're not speaking to each other, the relationship has broken down that much.

Sorry this is a load of waffle, but just wondered if anyone had any thoughts. I personally think her problem is jealousy, as if I really think back to when she started being funny with me, it was at a time when my DD started doing very well in school. Without going into too much detail, my DD and hers were involved in similar things in school, and my DD excelled and hers didn't. Could that be it?

OP posts:
AnneJones · 13/06/2007 10:11

It sounds like your friend has had an awful lot going on in her life and perhaps she has got overwhelmed by it all? Lost her confidence and is pushing you away because of that? Would it be worth trying to meet up just the two of you, to open lines of communication again?

MummyPenguin · 13/06/2007 10:14

I did suggest that when we were out last week, I got her on her own and suggested we meet up just the two of us, but she really wasn't interested and even brushed me off by saying "oh you're only saying that because you've had a drink."

OP posts:
Mrbatters · 13/06/2007 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneJones · 13/06/2007 10:57

"oh you're only saying that because you've had a drink." To me it sounds a bit like she feels as if she is not important to you - it doesn't sound like she doesn't want to, but that she thinks you don't want to. She sounds quite insecure to me with that statement, and that can make some people quite brusque. She might secretly be pleased if you pushed the issue as it would prove to her that you really did want to. Sad to have to jump through these hoops for a friendship, so I guess you need to think whether the friendship is important enough to do this.

binkleandflip · 13/06/2007 11:00

I also agree that the girls would probably make contact themselves if they are interested in spending time together. I think that our childrens friendships tend to be led by ours a bit in that respect and it maybe that your daughters dont actually have that much in common as they once did either and so they will naturally drift apart.

I dont think that their friendship should be the root of your IYSWIM and if you and your friend have also dirfted apart then obviously that does happen and it maybe for the best.

However, if you do wish to address the friendship then you could offer to meet up when you're all completely sober and talk it through. If she doesn't take you up on this then I think you have to accept that you've moved on from each other.

madamez · 14/06/2007 00:28

Leave it to your DDs to conduct their friendship in a way that suits them and be civil and friendly to the other mum. It would be mean and petty to stop yoru DD seeing her DD because you two mums have fallen out: hopefully the other mum will see it the same way.

MummyPenguin · 14/06/2007 09:55

Agree with what posters have said here. I don't think I'm going to pursue the friendship as such. I've given it some thought, and I think we've both moved on and I don't think things will ever get back to the way they were. I think one of the problems with the other Mum is that she has let her work take over her life, and excludes everything else. Even her kids come second, and I'm not only saying that out of spite, she totally puts her work first over everything.

As for our DD's, yes, I'll leave it up to them. As they're going to different secondary schools, I guess there will be a natural drifting apart where they're concerned too.

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 14/06/2007 10:02

AT the end of the day we've all got to follow the our own paths and so be it (confuscius say!)

1sue1 · 14/06/2007 12:01

My daughter is 11 too and tbh I am not involved at all in her arrangements with friends.

I am taxi if needed, thats it. Any meet ups she arranges by msn or phone. I hardly have any contact with the other mums and I am not avoiding them, so should be no prob for you to avoid any awkwardness.

MummyPenguin · 14/06/2007 13:11

My DD hasn't actually gone anywhere on her own or with friends yet, although I guess this will start once she starts secondary school. The other girl does already I think, so it probably won't be a problem for her to come to our house. I think it will be a while yet before I let DD meet friends in town and that sort of thing, so it will probably be easier for her friend to come here. I can't see me letting DD go off to the shops with friends or into town or anything until she's at least 13. Perhaps I'll have to review this, but I want her to be over 12 definately.

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