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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Awkward stressful situation

9 replies

Newbabies15 · 05/10/2018 13:36

My mil doesn't think we can manage without her.
We've got dts and they are 9 months. They are happy and healthy and we are doing fine as parents.
I take them to groups etc.
I invited her to a baby group the other day because I thought she'd be able to help a little bit/provide a better experience for my dts - she said "how do you manage this usually? laughed tutted you leave one on their own don't you?"
It's like she's trying to insinuate I'm doing them a disservice not having her around constantly.
When they were born she'd come round unanounned and say that she was looking after them so I could have a break. I was in the middle of doing something with dts and didn't need to do anything. My dh is on my side and had a chat with her about it. She doesn't come over at all now 🙄 - what's so difficult about texting before coming over?

We used to be close before we had dts. Now I feel like she wants to kill me (it's a vibe I get).
On the weekends , we spend time as a family. My dh and out dts. She is always on facebook and never comments or says anything nice about our photos (she did previously).

I don't like her even though she helps with dts. I only feel it's nice when I want help. Otherwise it makes me feel anxious and annoyed.

Just wanted a moan really. I feel like a really bad dil when all I want is for her to respect that we are a new family and she's had her chance. My dh doesn't invite her over and I don't feel like it's my place to take care of her need to feel welcome. I am always polite to her face.

OP posts:
Newbabies15 · 05/10/2018 13:50

She gave our dts solid food first because she thought they were ready. Without asking. Sad I made it clear I wasn't happy.

She's trying to be closer than my mum to me but also she's like - babies need to say dad. Dad will be their first word. It's like fine put your son first (which is fine and normal) but dont expect me to put you first then. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 05/10/2018 22:15

In a similar situation. In laws occasionally turn up unannounced don't ask if we are busy etc etc.
They even moved areas to be close to us, and try and bump into us when they find out where we go for coffee Confused
It's a bit suffocating for my dh. And I particularly feel they don't trust I'm a good enough for him because of this behaviour. Boundaries don't work either. It just encourages them if we 'arrange' to invite them round and then they expect more.

Newbabies15 · 06/10/2018 09:06

Thing that bugs me is before we had dcs - close but whatever about hanging around with us. Soon as dcs are here. I just find it strange! If my children had kids I would be over the moon but I think it's important to have your own life. Btw i am so grateful for every help. Im not dismissing that in the slightest.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 06/10/2018 09:11

She sounds like she’s hard work. Don’t invite her to toddler groups if she talks like that. I never invited my mum or MIL and we get on well!

Don’t give her the opportunity to say things like that.

HettieBettie · 06/10/2018 09:19

Similar here - you need a conversation and soon - lay it all out - confirm who does what and whether she’d like to do XYZ - then it’s all agreed, everyone knows where they stand etc and you may even get some time to yourself!

Is she on her own OP?

Newbabies15 · 06/10/2018 09:40

No she's not.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 06/10/2018 09:47

Is MIL the anxious type at all, OP?

Our kids are all older now, but last night MIL (who we can all find difficult and is very anxious) admitted that after BIL's DS was born, she got this sudden, irrational anxiety that they wouldn't feed him/themselves properly and turned up quite early one morning almost in tears, clutching some bread and a raw fish and BIL immediately knew what was wrong and showed her the baby was fine.

I'd never heard about this, and it threw new light on an incident when our DD was just born and MIL came round, got all stressed about 'the mess' (it was a bit untidy, but not dirty at all) and declared that we were 'clearly not coping', when we'd felt fine and DH had to usher her out. I think now that was a moment of intense anxiety with her - perhaps fixating on our tidiness & convincing herself our house would become a hellhole once we'd had a baby.

So I wonder if your MIL has an anxiety about how you can cope with twins - can you or your DH maybe talk to her and ask if she is worrying about it, as she seems a bit on edge around you and the babies? And perhaps that will diffuse some tension

ovendoor · 06/10/2018 09:49

My ex in-laws were like this (note the ex)
Unfortunately my exdh wouldn't back me up and it was a big part of us splitting.
Nip it in the bud now whilst you can.

Newbabies15 · 06/10/2018 10:08

Thanks. I think she might be anxious come to think of it. I feel bad now.

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