What made you/dp have an affair...?

[Intrigued]

I'm just curious. Boring sex life? Stuck in a rut..? I feel like I am on the verge of having one but I'm not sure what's driving it. I also really don't want to, so was wondering what compelled other people to do it.

The sense of being wanted and feeling alive was overwhelming and quite addictive. To this day I can honestly say that although he was a nice enough bloke he really wasn't my type and if I am really honest the sex was terrible.

In hindsight, the thing I regret most, is the way in which I changed. I became less of an attentive mother - I cring at how self involved I was. My son never suffered but I was always thinking about other things and I find it hard to forgive myself for that.

I got found out, it nearly destroyed my family and I will never do it again. Please think very carefully before you embark on something which will possibly ruin your life. My husband (although no saint himself) was devastated. I realised when it was almost too late that I actually did love this man desparately and have spent every day since trying to forget my hideous behaviour, make up for it and to get on with my life.

I am not being judgemental (before any of you climb on my back) but in my opinion affairs NEVER work.

mine wasnt the nicest but to be honest it was revenge imho i wouldnt go for the affair go for the bank balance you feel better trust me i did that one as well and i have to agree that affairs never work it hurts you and others around you more than the plesure you get out of it

Nothing 'makes' or 'compels' you have an affair. its a choice. Personally if I was that bored I'd find a more fulfilling, less destrucive pastime.

If you don't want to then don't, seems pretty simple to me!

Didn't have an affair, just a one night stand.

I wasn't feeling loved at the time and the guy gave me loads of attention which was very flattering.

The whole think sent me into a confussed haze and it's taken me 4 months to get myself back on track. I would say it's probably not worth it, even if no-one knows and you don't get found out.

If you are bored with your own life and partner then the best way forward is to have a proper conversation with him (not easy in some cases I know) but perhaps he's feeling exactly the same and then you can sort out your differences and move forward.

That's probably the boring, sensible answer but I'm with the rest in affairs don't work. I had a fling with a married man once. I was single, he did the chasing, I succumbed in the end because the attention was wonderful and he did say that his house was on the market and once sold, he and his wife were splitting up - ah that old chestnut.

Anyway, that was a pile of keck, he remained with her and is probably still having flings without her knowledge. I was left a wreck.

They are not worth it!!

I had a little fling once. I wasn't married at the time but I was with my dp and we'd just had our first baby.

Dp hadn't looked at me or touched me since halfway through the pregnancy, I thought things would get better once baby arrived but they didn't they were actually getting worse. A new guy started at work he chased me and since I was feeling so unloved and unwanted in my personal life I went for it. It's not something I'm proud of and I've never told another living soul before. It was all just about sex really and to be honest the sex wasn't even that great. It only lasted a few weeks.

Dp, I don't think, ever found out but he did at one point say something about an affair, didn't directly ask if I was having one but sort of implied it. I told him not to be so stupid but then also pointed out that the way things were going I would probably be entitled to having one. Not very mature now that I look back but we were young.

After that conversation things dramatically improved on our lives and we've gone on to live very happily.

I'd never do it again though, too much hassle sneaking around and hoping that you don't get caught. Yes it's exciting and thrilling at the same time but the outcome of a discovered affair can be devastating.

Boredom, desire to feel attractive again after birth of child, opportunity (low risk), lack of attention from DH, craved excitement and 'escape' from the everyday mundane existence of parenthood (he was in the same situation and looking for the same things.)
Happened about 6 times over 18 months - great sex, but it fizzled out when out paths stopped crossing so much. He tried to reinitiate it about 6 months ago, but I said no.
It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but nor do I regret it - it was fun.
Can't say I wouldn't do it again either

Falling in love with my lover. Lust I am sure some of you will say.
When I met him I felt like I had been whacked in the back with a big stick. I have never experienced anything like it before or since.
The affair lasted two years. It was wonderful. Noone found out.
I have no regrets.

Certainly makes me feel slightly less terrible that there are so many of you other MNers who've been there, done that!
In my case it was a combination of things, but mainly feeling undesired by DH (he has low libido), feeling that I had become a less exciting person since becoming a mother, communication problems in my marriage, and then the opportunity arose with an old acquaintance who was gorgeous, made me feel sexy, naughty, and irresistable.
I became totally absorbed in my thoughts of this other guy, was horrible to DH, and then he opened my mobile bill and put 2 + 2 together (frantic texting). It was dreadful. He was absolutely crushed. We went to Relate, sorted a lot of stuff out, and went on to have DD, but even now, a long time on, it still has an impace on our relationship. If we have a big argument, I always feel more guilty than I would have before, sometimes he brings it up...
at the time I felt such an overwhelming desire for this other guy that everything else just seemed justifiable. But if I'm honest, the sex was crap (we both felt too guilty to enjoy it), the yearning to see him was horrible, and if I'd stopped to think about it I would have realised it was a total waste of time as wasn't going anywhere and just caused so much hurt all round.
Sorry to echo others, but I have to say, 1) If you don't want to have an affair, no one's forcing you, and 2) If you do really want to be with someone else, then it really would be best all round to finish up with your current partner first, and THEN move on. You'll feel much better in the long run if you do things the "right" way round.
If your current relationship is dead to the point that you want to be with someone else, then finish it and make a clean break. If, as I was, you are drawn to someone else as a result of problems you might be able to resolve with your current partner, then take a step back, think about how much you want to resolve things (Relate is a good first step), and try that first. You might be glad you did. If not, then at least you'll always know you tried your very best.
Whew! That was a bit heavy. Sorry, I just don't want other people to go through the misery I and DH suffered after what I did

I fell in love with someone else after being in a dreadfully unhappy marriage for 10 years and having tried everything I could to make it work.

I do regret it. My dh guessed what was happening only 2 weeks after I had met the other man, and I admitted it all. He threw me and the children out and has made my life difficult ever since (this was more than 5 years ago now).

I continued the relationship with the other man for several years before I realised he was totally wrong for me and that I had fallen for him because I was desperately unhappy and unloved at the time, and that he appeared to offer everything I felt was missing from my marriage.

Of course I should have ended my marriage before embarking on any sort of relationship with another man, but I admit I was too cowardly to do it, so I (only semi-consciously) manufactured a situation that would force it to end.

My husband was a rotten, rubbish husband who let me down very badly during the time we were together, and yet, by having an affair, I handed him a reason to blame everything on that, which did neither of us any favours - he has been unable to see beyond what I did "to him", and I have been forever cast as the villain of the piece. He has not held back from voicing his opinion of me to our two children, which has affected them badly too.

My advice to anyone considering having an affair is that however awful the prospect of ending your current relationship may be, it is not as bad as facing the consequences of being caught. Even if you are not caught, you will feel shit about yourself for deceiving the other person and it will be difficult if not impossible to ever find a way back. Relationships are about trust - having an affair, whether it is discovered or not, destroys that bond one way or another. The only true way back is if your husband/partner knows about the affair and is prepared to forgive.

Voice of bitter experience who ought to be in bed

Spacemonkey that was a realy good post and honest, non judgemental and beautifully put.

lulupop, what you said is so true. my dh had an affair because he was very unhappy and we had stopped communicating, he hadn't told me anything about how he was feeling, temptation came along and he took it. but now (we are not together) we have talked so much , we did try relate, and i just wish so much , and i think he does too, that we had had these conversations before it happened and then i don't think it would have needed to happen. the potential was there for us we had just completey lost sight of it and thought we were unhappy - that kind of unhappy is very different though to the unhappiness for both partners in the aftermath of an affair. i am not judging anyone but just think lulupop is right in that you really need to think about what it is you feel an affair can give you, what's missing in your life that you could maybe fix with your current partner, or what the consequences could be. and then you may still decide its what you want but at least afterwards you 'll know you did think about it rather than wishing you had. Sorry to ramble on.

I am seeing the guy who did our kitchen, he's gorgeous and we have more in common.
I was going through a rough patch with my husband and we got friendly, I don't recall leading him on or anything and I certainly did not look attractive in jeans and t-shirt.

He was paying me compliments and flirting with me, I didn't give him my number either am not in habit of giving just anyone my mobile, it was my husband who did! On the last week of him doing the kitchen, he put his arms round me and give me a long snog which I actually enjoyed. Just recently we had sex for the first time and it was fantastic, we used protection and I am on the pill too to make doubly sure.

He often texts or rings to see if i'm ok which is something my hubby never does, we are VERY careful to delete texts and no-one knows about it but us. I keep thinking I should finish but he has given my libido a boost. I sometimes see him when I'm out with friends and we have the odd snog and a dance but thats it. I love my hubby to bits but I don't fancy him like I used to and I feel I have to make the extra effort. AAAAAGGGHHHH what shall i do?

I'd also like to add that if you're having or had an affair then your current relationship is not working. My H had an affair and it was the worst moment in my life when I found out. For what it's worth he's never spoken about his feelings and everything was my fault and to this day continues to be all my fault. I'm now fighting for my boys sake to remain where we are so they still see their father. Please think about others who may be affected in the fallout if your affair is found out - it can be soul destroying.

Don't really understand why you have resurrected a 3 year old thread Mum2Luke.
But you have got yourself in a terribly destructive relationship.
I think you need to forsake the "odd snog" and sort out your problems closer to home.
If you love your DH to bits then your sex life has to be worth saving? As everyone else has said-please try and get some help like Relate.

hadnt even spotted that sppok!! i was just reading along!!!

Just call me Sherlock

Mum2luke why not start your own thread or were you looking for some back up.
IMO if you do really love your hubby as you say then this has to stop believe me the after effects of an affair have a devestating consequence for everyone involved esp the kids and is it worth risking everyones happiness for an increse in your libido ?

too MLS !

Couldn't think of any other response!

"I also really don't want to,"

ermm...well don't.

Next thread!!

if your going to have a affair then just get on with it, dont look for any kind of constructive judgement on here, 99% of people have had there partners cheat on them so only ever see things as one sided.

Toasted i take it you are quite open to affairs then ?
Why have you made it your purpose to come onto threads about affairs and blame the person who hasn't cheated.
Constructive judgement