I am feeling my confidence has gone, not sure if its best to be single?

[LittleMe2018]

Hello good morning

I am feeling a little, shall we say down and lonely in my 4 year relationship. we have been together a while, bought a house, have a dog and well we seem to be ok together for the most of the relationship until something is raised from my side as he never raises anything.

I am a very sensitive person, emotional too which I am finding is going against me but also my partner is not one to understand my emotional needs he is somewhat reactive when we try and talk or when I try and raise something he defends himself and in the end I walk out the room and leave him to it without anyone saying sorry or talking about it again.

He works in London 14 hours, up at 5am home at 7pm, we earn the same money I work from home, part time the other hours in an office locally. When he comes home he works again and at weekends at times he does too. I organise all our plans, we both share the housework and I find when we are together at times I am not too sure what to say to him its like we are wired differently or I am boring him or vice versa. I wish he would plan something with me or do something nice instead of me doing it so that I feel he is making an effort more.

Lately sex is more robotic and routine and he is not really making suggestions to do anything its always me to which I feel he is lazy in bed. His job takes him away at times to which he cant use his phone so he is very hard to get hold of, elusive and well this sets off my anxiety and I feel depressed and alone. When he comes home a day or 4 days later its like I am not too sure who he is as I feel detached. I feel like after getting on ok he is someone else or I am too.

We have very different backgrounds he left home at 16, I was very homely lovely family until in my twenties and he doesnt talk to his family as they are, lets just say not nice. His dad was a bully.

He admits he can just park his emotions as this is what he has been use to since he was a child from his dad, so anything he feels he doesnt want to look at as he may crumble, his words. However when I want to talk after a row he makes me feel awful, So when I raise something he is defensive, angry and reactive which results in me walking out the room upset and not coming back or saying anything as he is always right, this in fact scares me as I am not a confrontational person.

This resulted in us breaking up for a few months and seeing a counsellor which did help and we got closer, but now he is away again with work the fear has come up again with me and I feel sick and anxious and we are misunderstanding one another again.

I am feeling like my self esteem has been shattered again and I hate to say I am feeling a drag around him as my needs are not being met and its like I feel I am someone else not strong when this gets into my mind around his work, emotionally I feel weak and he is this powerful strong alpha male that doesnt do feelings or parks them when he feels it ok to talk about things but things are never addressed.

He has always done things alone he is a loner and worked alone, been alone and had to defend alone and ex forces too.

Maybe I need to address them alone is my thoughts and to talk this over so I can understand what is going on in me too with someone else?

I feel alone, I go and see friends, I am at the gym but my job recently has become stagnant as I am at home more lately and its dried up. However when I am feeling things are ok at home with us, I am coping better but at the moment whilst he is away and not talking and he is reacting I am again back to square one.

thanks for reading. sorry its so long just not sure what to do or how to address this.
xx

He doesn't sound like an easy person to live with OP and 4 years in and it sounds miserable; you need am emotional connection, he doesn't appear to have any or at least show any; you need back up from your partner, them to show an interest in your well being, not surprised you feel a bit invisible; he also won't discuss anything important with you and is leaving you anxious and upset.

I'd seriously be considering ending it, life is too short to feel like that so soon into a LTR; you may be selling yourself short staying.

I'd think about ending it if I were you, op. You're not happy and he's unwilling or unable to give you what you need emotionally. It's not a matter of fault or blame, you're just not suited to each other.

It sounds very lonely. I also work from home and that in itself can exaggerate the problem. I’m lucky however as I have 2 very noisy kids, 2 dogs and a happy husband who isn’t a work aholic. This means that, although it’s quiet for me during the day, it’s a noisy, lively and happy environment in the evenings. That said I still get lonely sometimes during the day. It must be v difficult for you if you dh is working all the time and you’re not connected.

Can you work on making a life for yourself outside of work hours that’s fulfilling without your dh? Friends, clubs, hobbies?

It sounds like a miserable existence for you, and for him.

I don't think I could live with somebody who works so many hours, and/or who isn't emotionally literate.

Thank you everyone, I guess as I am now 43 and he is 51 I feel time is running out as I still would like a child too and looking at this set up emotionally I am not feeling he is really available for me anymore in my life a I am a nervous wreck all the time now. we are both miserable and he is lonely too he admitted it and when we broke up last year he admitted it was living with a room mate who is just a friend thats because I became cold with him and almost needing my time to think what I needed again, but emotionally I am feeling unfulfilled yes.

You wouldn’t want to bring a child into this environment OP. You could become a single parent via adoption or even a sperm doner.

From your description it sounds as if your OH, and your relationship with him, are destroying your self esteem. You don't seem to be receiving any emotional support from him and this makes you feel even more vulnerable.

We need support and a connection, we need to know that our partner is there to listen to us, give us a shoulder to cry on, but also to have fun with, be spontaneous, enjoy spending time with each other. It seems as if your partner offers none of this, even when you're crying out for him. You've been together 4 years, had counselling and he knows that he can't be that person for you. Do you want to carry on living like this? I fear it will destroy your self esteem.

There are other ways to become a mother and you seem more than capable of providing all the love and support a child needs, even as a single parent. I believe single people can now apply to adopt, you could find a sperm donor etc.

Sending you very best wishes for the future.

Agree with PPs.
You sound emotionally unfulfilled and miserable.
I feel you'd be happier on your own.
Don't settle, OP.
Either he leaves or you do.

It sounds as if the relationship has run its course to be honest and its doubtful that you were ever well-suited.
If your main priority is to have a child then you should think about doing it without him. It doesn't honestly sound as if there's much future in this relationship.
And yes in my experience leaving an unhappy relationship will do wonders for your self-esteem/self-confidence. It's always better to be single than in a relationship which makes you unhappy.