Would you force your ex to see his child?

[Pheonix1102]

At my wits’ end so hoping to have some advice. TIA.
Ex and I are divorced. For the couple of years we were separated/going through the divorce process, DS, 7 now, had been with his dad every other weekend plus some holidays, the odd occasions when I was traveling or late picking DS up. To give ex the credit DS was fed and looked after at his and he would talk to DS about things if I pass any concerns on. So all in all it was okay enough for me and very good for DS. He loves his dad and enjoyed his time there.

Until earlier this year when he started making excuses to not have DS there with various excuses. DS bought the excuses but really really misses his dad. He was let down one weekend after another and weeks turned into months now. Ex ignored calls and text messages so now even no excuses. It’s hurting DS so much. He asked about his dad all the time and sometimes said he didn’t want to go to school he wanted to see his daddy.

So what options do I have? How should I explain to DS in a way to not hurt him, if that’s even possible? Would you force the ex to see DS or leave it if that’s his choice? Plus for many reasons I wouldn’t consider him a good role model for DS but he is still his father. DS is totally lost now and it breaks my heart. Would be grateful for any advices for DS’s best interest.

Have you been able to speak to EX and akk him any?

You can't force him. He'll either not turn up or it'll be a one off disaster.

You have to be factual with DS, not let him have his hopes Berkeley every week.

Would ex call him? Could DS send him a message or letter saying how he feels?

So sorry his Dad is being a useless idiot.

Is he paying maintenance?

You can't force him to see his child. The sad fact is that most guys go this way after a divorce. You need to tell your DS the truth - that you don't know why his dad is doing this, but there is nothing you can do to resolve the situation. Sorry this has happened.

Thanks both.
Maintenance was by standing order so he stopped/resumed as he wished. It was minimal, he allegedly lost his job, etc. So I didn’t bother chasing.
He wouldn’t answer the phone or respond to messages. DS from time to time sent messages to him from my phone. Same silence.
I am seriously considering moving away to at least avoid DS asking every time we drive past ex’s flat.
It’s beyond me to imagine how a parent could not want to see their own child. Guess I will have to face it.
Does anyone know if therapy could help DS?
Thanks x

I'd put a claim in through CMS. If nothing else it might elicit a response.

Do you see any of his extended family? Aunts, uncles, grandparents?

I think therapy would be an amazing idea.

He has only got a sister and they don’t speak to each other. I see them occasionally with DS.
For therapy, should I just search for family therapy? Don’t know if any specific ones to look for. X

Start a CMS claim because it sounds like he's got both a new job and a new partner.

I have seen this so many times when the NRP is really good at first, then they get a new partner and suddenly the child is bottom of the priority list. It's so fucking unfair.

I had an ex who did this with his daughter. I think she was 14. Me and him moved in together and suddenly I realised he hadn't seen her for 2 months. I asked him about it and he said "Well she said she wanted to hang with her friends this weekend so I said okay because I thought that would be easier for you..." I was fucking fuming. Told him he wasn't using me as an excuse for not being a bloody parent especially when he knew I liked having her over and cooking family meals etc.

(And that when a teenager says "Oh but mum/dad I wanted to hang out with my friends this weekend" then unless it's a special occasion like a birthday, they are testing you to see if you actually want to spend time with them. If you just go "Oh okay then, see you in a fortnight" then that pang of rejection is hard to handle for them. If you say "No come on, this is your weekend with me and I've been looking forward to it" they might go "Uggghhhh goooood okay" but you have just given them a unit of feeling secure in your love.)

OP your situation sounds really hard. As a PP suggested I'd be honest without slagging the ex off. I would also reiterate how much you love DS.

Could you speak to pastoral support at school to see if they can help?

School or GP should be able to offer support on a therapist, some local authorities have different provisions, some you'll need to go private but I'd speak to school as Ford said.

And get CMS involved. Even if it's £3 a week it doesn't matter. He shouldn't be able to just walk away.

Jesus how do you never bump into him of you all love so close? Poor son, he's lucky he has you though

Yes we live in the same village but only bumped into him a couple of times I think. Exactly why I start considering moving but not an easy decision with school, friends etc.
Thanks for the advice re: school or GP help. I will go and speak to the school and see how they can support him hopefully in a subtle way.
Xx

He's such a dick.

Good luck op. Honest but not vindictive - I don't know why Daddy doesn't see you. We've asked him lots but that is his choice and it's his fault. You are my wonderful and I could never imagine going for x time without seeing you so I promise that you have me and I won't leave you.

Oh i'm so sorry for your son. What a shit.

I don't have any useful advice but you sound like a fantastic mum.

My ex did this - went from eow now down to about once every 9 months.

The kids and I all ended up seeing different counsellors (separately), I felt like an utter failure.

You need to make sure that your dc knows that you are not stopping contact. And switch the responsibility back to dad. 'Dad knows where you are when he wants to see you', 'you know I love you and I know you love dad but I can't make him see you, I'm sorry'. Age appropriate of course.

It's so hard OP but not even a judge can force an unwilling parent to see their dc.

And CMS. Tomorrow. No more mrs nice guy! You can't force his moral duties but he has a financial one!

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. Sorry for those with similar experience. Yes it is so hard and unfair and not getting better.

Will look into CMS, promise