How soon is too soon

[Cheeresa]

I've been seeing this guy for about four months now. The beginning was a bit bumpy as I felt we didn't see each other very much because he worked all the time but since we spoke about it things have improved And I enjoy spending time with him, it's fun.

He has very early on - maybe about three months in - told me he loves me. I haven't said it back because I don't think I am in love with him. I've also come out of a very long 7 year relationship this year and still feel quite sad and wounded from that even though I have a good relationship with my ex I'm not sure I'm completely over it.

It is his dad's birthday next weekend and he has invited me to it. I've said I would go as he would really like me too and his dad and family are looking forward to meeting me. However im having second thoughts as I feel this is all a bit too soon for me. Am I being silly?

Only you can really know whether it’s too much too soon...you have to trust your feelings. It’s hard when you’re out of a long relationship and takes a while to get back on an even keel. Sorry that’s not much help really but I’m a big believer in trusting your own instincts so if you feel overwhelmed then maybe you should take a step back.

Sounds like he wants to show you off to the fam, only you can decide whether you’re comfortable with that four months in. Doesn’t seems particularly problematic to me.

I’ve known people who knew they were going to get married within 6 weeks of meeting, so I don’t think there’s an official “right time”, there’s only your right time. If he’s moving things too fast you can tell him that. If he’s a decent bloke and wants you to be comfortable then he’ll understand that and respect it.

Yes I suppose I'm just worried because although I have fun with him I also feel I might never fall in love with him and it feels like it's going too quickly for me. But it's not for him and I think he's feeling hurt.

So I told him I wasn't keen to go and explained why and he was a bit upset. I said it was too soon for me, and because I don't feel as serious as he is i feel a bit uncomfortable meeting his dad and would like to take my time. We chatted and he said it wasn't a big deal and I thought actually yeh I will go but the next morning he messaged to say he didn't want me to come, it would be too stressful and there would be other opportunities. Since then I've only had a few messages from him. Normally he calls and he hasn't and he rejected my call yesterday. I messaged him to ask if he's ok and he said 'yeh. You' and I said fine. I said have I upset you, you seem like it and he replied 'no all good'.

I don't know if I should give him space. I probably should but this has upset me. It feels like he's being moody with me and to be honest I don't want to put up with it. I feel like it's a bit unfair. I don't know if I should call it off or if that's a bit trigger happy of me and unreasonable.

You're allowed your feelings - that it's all going a bit fast for you. And so is he- he's allowed to feel a bit hurt and to take s few days to process it. I wouldn't necessarily call it moody yet; it's okay for him to have reactions. However if that continues or he uses it against you, or for sympathy/attention then I'd definitely be calling it a day

I think you did the right thing and now he just needs a couple of days to regroup as his pride has been hurt no matter what he says. You've basically had the I'm not as into you yet chat and it hurts. He's bound to back off given what you said. Give him time. As it's been fairly casual I'd say if he carries on being cold or distant in a week or so then rethink.

Yes good advice thank you. My default is to apologise and try and make him feel better or end things. But I'll just leave it for a bit in that case.

I wouldn't bother with him now, he obviously didn't understand how you felt and now is being a dick ! Hope your okay just carry on with your life don't worry about him x

Yeh I do feel like he is being a bit of a dick about it. I suppose with my ex if anything like this happened he would have tried to understand and carried on being as nice and normal - which really worked in his favour - as I then would always warm to him. I feel like he is being unreasonable but like PPs said I suppose his pride is hurt and he's backing off a bit.

But it makes me think we are probably mismatched.

I don't think comparing to your ex is fair. Maybe this new guy has some qualities your ex didn't but you don't know yet.

If someone you were really into said they weren't feeling it, wouldn't it take you a bit of time to process? You've basically asked him to slow down. How would you slow down?

If in doubt, do nothing. It will become clear how this one's going to play out if you just wait a while. He may surprise you.

I know, it's true I have to stop comparing. Ok right I'll just leave it and see what happens. Any tips to take my mind off it?

In fact I haven't replied to his last message 'no all good'. Should I?

The only person who reacts the way you expect them to react is you! And sometimes that's not always the case. Focus on your own plans and routines for a few days - keep your contact with him normal from your side and play it by ear.

Yeh I have lots to do actually so I will focus on that. Can I ask - what should I reply to his last message if I should reply at all?

The last message being 'no, all good.'?
I'd just leave it at that.
Message him again when you've got something to message him about.

If you've got a genuine guy who's just feeling a bit hurt and you dont want to call time on the relationship just yet then next time you meet give him the classic 'praise sandwich'! Tell him the nice things you like about him, then tell him you just want it to go a bit slower for xyz reasons, then tell him the nice things again!

If you'd normally text him on a Sunday with a chatty message about your weekend then do that.

I know he's being a bit to soon but Jesus, you never tell a lad you don't love him yet you just say I'm extremely nervous please can I meet them another time and stall meeting them, you've massively kicked his ego an manhood.