Being abused for years

[imbeingabused]

I've clearly name changed to write this post, even with doing so I'm terrified of even posting this. It's the risk of my abuser(s) finding it and also the admittance to myself.

I'm early middle aged and have been systematically abused from childhood with some periods worse than others. When I left home I walked straight into a relationship that was great to begin with (although looking back I was so naive) but has descended to abuse. Some parts slowly, others less so.

Through childhood I was subjected to severe levels of emotional abuse. Might not sound like much but walking in on an overdosed parent and due to recent events being told it's essentially your fault leaves a mark. I also was physically assaulted by a sibling, and an incident of sexual abuse too. Also sexual assault by someone else as an adult.

I've been emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abused by my partner for over 10 years.

There are significant physical and cognitive disabilities within my relationship.

I've had periods of self harm in the past, and it's very possible it will happen again too.

I feel so alone. I don't even have my own mobile, and have to erase any online traces.

It's not as easy as telling somebody either. I resent men and am untrusting of females (see abuse). I was sat with my (female) GP last week and said nothing like on so many occasions.

I'm sorry I just needed to get this out.

Partner has had flings in the past, not to point of meeting up for sex though, but I wouldn't be surprised if these "emotional" trysts are ongoing.

Hugs to you . Is there anyone at all you could trust enough to talk to about this?

Make another appointment with your GP - write down what you have written here and show it to them.
Can you contact Women’s refuge?
Take care (from a GP)

Nobody I can talk to. My birth family I stay away from as much as I can, and due to disabilities the only time I'm on my own is with the GP (if partner doesn't decide they are coming in with me, regardless what I say).

Women's refuge wouldn't accommodate me. My mobility needs are rather troublesome too.

Although my GP knows I have childhood issues and px me antidepressants and a benzo (PTSD). I was having counselling, had 4 sessions then funding cuts happened and they won't see me until next year again due to lack of staff.

So it's really me, myself and I. Fed up of being curled up in a foetal position tears running down my face in the early hours.

Sat on GP car park, gotten an appt this morning. Bricking it and what to say.

Did you write things down ? If you are unsure or you might stumble over your words try writing a note out - (but delete after the appointment, and from your ‘trash’ folder also. Just in case)

The first step feels the hardest but it could be the start of things finally changing for the better. Good luck OP, you aren’t alone ♥️

I hope the appointment is giving you an opportunity to open up to someone

GP was pretty non-committal, was unwilling to px me any meds to help, cited recent medical issues for partner (I have authority). She is contacting Social Services about me and I'm to expect a call. Fuck knows what I do when I get it as I won't be alone. I kinda got the feeling that I should just deal with it. So I have no clue what I'm doing even today apart from hiding with headphones as much as I can.

you must try a womens refuge. You don't KNOW they won't take you. This is no way to live.You and only you can take action to get out of this. I'm so very sorry.

Had another bombshell too, some test results were back and I have a very rare condition. Likely need to make another thread about that as I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

Refuge won't take me.

OP, you have such a lot on your plate at the minute. Could you ask your GPS to refer you for counselling? It may help you to have an hour a week to get everything out. And maybe even come up with a plan of what to do next.

I wish you strength. (((Hugs)))

Why won't a refuge take you OP?