I am looking for some helpful advice in making a critical decision in my life about ending a relationship that I've had for the past three years.
When I first met my boyfriend I was coming to the end of a long and very difficult divorce for control coercion and abuse , a marriage that had lasted for ten years.
I guess looking back I was in a vulnerable state but during the three years that divorce had taken I felt at that time that I had grown fairly strong and had done a lot of work on myself. I felt I had come along way.
When I first had contact with my current boyfriend he was working in Oxford but it soon became apparent that due to a fall and bang on the head he was actually off work for the time being .
It transpired that he had an old brain injury anyway that he said he had more or less overcome over the years and the new bang on the head made it all worse again
I helped to care for him on days when he felt bad and really couldn't seem to get it together to get out of bed but noticed early on his family , particularly children were surprisingly uncaring and inconsiderate , even disrespectful towards him. My boyfriend shared his house with his eldest daughter and her boyfriend in their 20 s their 2 dogs and his youngest 2 children , a daughter 13 back then and a lad of 16
After a bit when my settlement came through I bought a flat which needed more work to make it habitable than first anticipated due to damp and water under the floor and rot but my boyfriend strongly recommended his friend to do the renovation work and set about organising his mate to do the renovation for me .i knew no one as I was new in town and so was happy to trust him in this. Then my housing benefit for my tiny rental room ceased as I had capital but as had bought a one bed flat with the capital there was no money or housing benefit with which to live in my rented room while the flat was being gutted and so I had to give it up.
My boyfriend offered me a temporary place with him
I agreed even though his place was in a neglected and awful state and his family had started to become almost hostile despite the fact that I spent the run up to our first Christmas together renovating his sitting room and making it really lovely for them all for the season , I even donated an expensive rug that I had in storage to complete the look for them.
No one looked after it though , the dogs trampled mud through straight in to it and it got ruined.
When I moved in I swiftly became the only person doing any cleaning , upkeep or indeed caring for my boyfriend who spent an increasing amount of each day in bed , rising typically by early afternoon and becoming 'functional ' late in the day, if at all.
Sometimes I managed to get him out leading him by the hand if needs be and guiding him past cars and over roads when he felt bad.
I worked until late some days and didn't get in until 8.30 or later and all my spare time was spent caring for him and his house and clearing up after his kids , although his elder daughter moved out with her dogs and boyfriend by Easter
As soon a I could I moved into my flat , his builder friend had been very unreliable in starting the various jobs in my flat so it had dragged on and in the end I insisted on moving in and finishing it off myself , getting my own contractors where necessary . The boyfriends builder friend proved hugely expensive .
By then boyfriends youngest daughter being 13 at the time made it clear she didn't want to live with me and her Dad in her house and was pretty poisonous towards me . The family who took influenced and made decisions on behalf of my boyfriend arranged for her to live with his eldest son and go to boarding school instead leaving only the sixteen year old son at home ( I have never felt free as a couple to make important decisions together , always his Mum and /or sister have a a huge influence )
When I moved in to my new flat my boyfriend made it clear he didn't want us having nights apart which actually didn't bother me from time to time and said that if he was going to be his house with his son for a couple of night s he wanted me there also , but I refused this and thought not only did I not want to be there but it was good for him to have time with his son, and for me to have space in my new place alone sometimes.
However I never got this space he ended up being here all of the time
I ended up holding down 2 jobs to pay all my bills on my own , caring for him , going back to his house to decorate it and do his garden for him and doing the remaining jobs on my own flat, and doing my best to take him to his numerous GP and hospital appointments
Meanwhile there was no question of my boyfriend returning to work , he tried it one day and was then in bed for three!
I began to see and feel that his judgements were not that sound and he agreed to his brother moving into his largely unoccupied house first to cook for his eighteen year old son and clean up after him and then to do students there and make money for himself and his girlfriend who arrived for the summer.
This meant he ( my boyfriend) could no longer return there even for a night and so we were forced together , he was always here but did next to nothing , and I would often find myself cooking a meal( mainly for him ) at ten or eleven at nigh after along day at work and journey home , he would have said he would do it and then failed.
But by then that was the same with everything he said he would sort out or do , he said he would but weeks or months later afte many reminders , nothing or little would have been done and I began to lose respect for him and to see him as completely unreliable
We started to argue a lot and miscommunicate and I wanted to have time alone to think and consider the relationship
He didn't want this though saying it wouldn't help and that he was too emotionally frail to stand it and would I just give it until .....
He would cry and become emotional and I felt beastly , would hug him and console him and agree to wait Eventually after many repeats of this I needed to have my bathroom replumbedand as his daily routine to get himself up involved a 40 minute shower it around lunchtime each day and the students had not yet started at his house for the year ( where his brother was still living ) he moved back to his house with his brother.his son was by then living with his sister in another part of the country
I haven't had him back but our relationship continues of sort
At Christmas last year his family invited me and my daughter and granddaughters to thier Boxing Day get together in Wales but then his sister and to some extent his brother uninvited us and it transpired they only wanted him there.
His youngest daughter went through a difficult time and the family raised money for her to board and have everything she a
Wanted as a result . She refused to visit us at my flat or to come here for any reason but when her dad moved back to his house his family slowly started to make contact with him again and his youngest daughter stayed there with hi for a week ( though she didn't like him coming to see me during that time ) , and his son returned and stayed there before going to uni
His sister also came to visit and when he tried to talk about what had happened at Christmas she was furious with him , said he should have known better that to think to ask me over for Boxing Day , and Said that she didn't understand how he could even consider me a suitable partner as I'm not welcoming enough to all of them!
During our time together I have endured some really stressful and horrible family events with him where I have been made to feel most unwelcome.i did it for him but now I refuse to put myself through the stress of it after all I've been through I just can't anymore
When we met I thought I'd make new friends and build new relationships with his large family but instead most of them shun me
.
We've talked endlessly about his family and thier problems since his wife died 8 years ago and the reasons why they don't accept me
All sorts has been suggested , that I'm not as welcoming and effusive as his fe was , that I'm quieter by nature , that I haven't got a university education and they see me as a shallow blonde who likes to make a nice home but can't debate higher physics , that I'm so far opposite to his wife that it's insulting !
His mother has Said she is grateful he has someone to care for him now.
I continue to work really hard , holding down 2 jobs
I do less physical caring for my boyfriend now and have distanced myself
He is currently living in his house with his brother who invited himself back there after spending the summer with his parents in Wales and I don't really want to go there now
Th garden and house which I made lovely for him is allowed to deteriorate and even though there are 2 grown men there , (neither one working )my boyfriend still suggests that maybe I'd like to come and spend my weekend doing his garden for him and this in-spite of the fact that I had to have knee surgery only 2 weeks ago
He is adamant that he loves me like no other and will do anything to keep us together , but I've said love is far more than just words , but contribution and equality.
From day one I noticed that almost all our debates , conversation would either be about him and his health issues or members of his family , thier issues , interactions or behaviour etc
My family and I were hardly ever discussed even though I have three lovely grown up children and 7 grandchildren
He has said for the past 2 years that he will clear his house , finish doing it up get his brother to help as contribution for staying there and put the house on the market it so we can buy somewhere together with a garden and 2 bedrooms ( my flat proved small for us with one bedroom and no garden )
As with everything he says he will do I'm still waiting...
Because he has been so long out of work but still spends money whether or not he can afford it his debts are significant and mounting. He continues to live on Benefits .He doesn't worry about this as he can always get credit but there again I don't understand this attitude , I don't use credit or buy what I cannot afford.
I'm afraid that though he is intelligent , thoughtful , deep, thinks of others , affectionate , and aims to continue learning and to increase his all round knowledge, I have grave doubts now as to the long term wisdom of being with him.
I don't think I'm really much good at judging these things and worry that having come from a history of abuse I have now grown too strong and independent and maybe unfeeling.
I don't want to end up alone and really want to have an equal , balanced and loving relationship to build upon , but I'm no longer sure that this one has the right foundation
I would welcome all comments and advice please....