Depression and overwhelmed

[Sadeyes445]

I’m truly exhausted tonight and depressed and not sure how to solve this. You could say we are what on outside looks perfect, DC at good schools, DH outwardly kind and the breadwinner also as he does evening meals, I’m seen as lazy by other family members🙄

I’m constantly organising kids homework, activitues, washing, we have a dog that needs walking. I just don’t have the energy due to my depression but I get told to snap out of it, to get on as this is just life.

When it gets too much and I criticise DH directly, he hates this and acts like a petulant child by storming off or getting offended by what I say. Numerous times I’ve told my own DP but they seem to think he can do no wrong.

This post is just a rant as I’m feeling pretty tired and useless as I’ve had this depression for four years and doesn’t lift. My self care is walking the dog, I’m poor time manager so don’t get chance to do my studies or socialise.

I really feel like giving in or running away, which I’ve done before and got told off for being childish for not taking responsibility.

you have to work on changing small things, one step at a time.

what would make your life easier? how could you implement small changes that would help you streamline things and make routines easier? One step at a time. Can your kids help more?

Also can you focus on making your environment one that you love, that supports you and makes you feel good? Having at least one space at home that you take care of - like a little retreat with things you love to bring you joy... taking care of one area might bring you inspiration to streamline everything else to run better and easier... and also nobody can do everything. it's not possible. but small steps really help. what's the first small step you can take?

Also book in for something you enjoy, really want to do - a course, go shopping, do something nice for yourself - get a haircut or something. Little things make a real difference to how we feel and we need to keep doing them no matter how much we think it's not worth it, they all add up and make life feel worth living.

4 years is a long time to have depression for - maybe time to go back to your GP for a review?

Also you need to work on your DH get him to understand better and pitch in on the day to day stuff not just meals. A whole family pitch in every evening for half an hour might make a real difference.

Thanks for your suggestions, I’ve tried before but default is me changing.

Last night I got upset and decided to myself that I will go on ‘strike’ so that he could see the stuff I do and how overwhelmed I am. The huffing and puffing about his pressure with work have given me guilt so I’m getting up now to do my duty😖

I don’t want to go on medication and I’ve tried cbt before, all ineffective.

Fed up of arguments and being worn down, but I’m told I’m melodramatic and I don’t know what pressure is - he doesn’t see I’m unwell.

I feel for you and could have written a similar rant myself. Depression is shit.

I dont really know what the answers are other than as PP said, taking small steps - building up a variety of ways/things that help you feel just a little brighter.

Have you tried keeping a gratitude journal? I realise i do need to appreciate what i have more.

Take care

I see that you don't want to take medication, but please at least speak to your GP. It's not possible to function well or even make changes in your life while you feel this way. You are the only route out of this cycle and to feeling better, I'm afraid. You might need help but it is possible. Maybe a different form of therapy or a short course of tablets to help lift the depression; they don't need to be long term and side effects aren't always a given. You need to take the first steps, whichever way, but it can get better and you will be able to cope with day to day life.

Thank you, I’m really clueless and unclear about what I enjoy anymore. Life just feels like it’s constantly timetable of family commitments.

I feel like they all think I’m a whinging martyr. No one in family understands especially when I’m moody or snap, empathy goes out the window and I’m seen as angry. My DP both have said I need to be understanding of DH job as he has a lot on his plate, as I don’t work, well I volunteer a few hours, I’m not allowed to be sad as DH has it worse with his job. That’s what I get all the time from everyone.

I’m heading to my volunteering now, it’s not paid so I’m seen as not really contributing, it’s a play job working in a shop😖, so upsetting writing this as this is how I truly feel and hear constantly. I’m thinking of quitting my studies as not had time to do the studies either as don’t feel motivated or have the energy. I’m depleted. Sorry I’ve probably switched you all off!

Very similar indeed to how I feel, but I have found some strategies. Will reply more fully later. Try not to be too hard on yourself

I think mothers who work full time and especially single mothers who work full time would suggest you need to see your GP and be realistic that you may need to consider medication. If you're feeling overwhelmed with home and family without the stress of work (I'm not negating the volunteer job), then things aren't right.
Do you have any pre-school DC to care for?
Give up your studies if it's too much for you. What was the studying leading to?
Are you nearly finished anyway?

Thanks relationshipwoes I think a gratitude journal could work as although I’m lucky given my circumstances as I’m not a single mother or in a full time job, my depression and low mood has caused me to feel overwhelmed and irrational. Day to day activities that should be manageable aren’t. I tried medication in the past and it made me suicidal, I don’t want to go down that route. I’ve been unable to talk in RL as I’m told to get over it and be grateful but it’s not that simple at the moment, I should just give up.

It's completely understandable that you would feel this way as a result of your depression - that is what it does to you. FWIW I do think some people (you and I may be among them) genuinely do find life more difficult/overwhelming than others. Other people are blessed with a sunny nature and can take things in their stride, even with harder challenges than we face.

It's really important to not add to your problems by beating yourself up about the way your feel. It is what it is. But you can take steps to improve things. Have you tried mindfulness?

Can you afford counselling? If not, you could try another helpline just as a listening ear. I think you possibly need your feelings validated

Hi op sorry you're feeling so bad, it's a horrible place to be where everything looks bleak
I'd recommend some anti depressants just to get you back on an even keel so you can assess your life and what needs to change more easily. I didn't want to take them and I've friends who felt the same but they are useful and not a sign of failure

Agree with others about going back to your GP and looking for more support with your depression, it sound like you could do with more help. Counselling might also help look at the roles you take - it sounds like you have cast yourself as a victim or generally unable to cope, or a child getting 'told off'. But as you say you do actually have a lot of time on your hands, if your mood improves and you can look at time management strategies then you will have lots of opportunities for self care and improving your situation.

Does your DH also get support? I've also had a partner with depression and it can be very hard to cope with emotionally and practically, especially when working full time. I have some sympathy for him getting grumpy when a non working partner of school age children tells him it's 'too much' - though I understand that this is down to your illness, 4 years is a long time.

I hope that you are able to get some more support, be kind to yourself and (unless there is a lot of background here we don't know) kind to your DH also.

I can hear the depression talking OP.

Would you struggle on with a broken leg? Or not have surgery for cancer? No. You have an illness, which is not being treated. And you have to help yourself.

I know a few people with depression, and whilst there is an element of self-care eg exercise, CBT etc - medication is the one thing that has helped them all consistently. Just because 1 type of medication didn't work doesn't mean that all anti-depressants won't. Sometimes you need to try a few to get the right one.

Untreated depression is awful all round; not just for you, but for your DH & likely your DC too.

When my DP has had untreated depression, I have been at the end of my tether trying to keep all the plates spinning, whilst he does very little. I have thought seriously about leaving him. He knows that he needs to get well to be a good partner, father & employee. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but no-one wants to be an enabler.

OP, whilst i agree a chat with your GP is a good idea, don’t be pressured into taking ADs if they disagree with you, there are studies showing that ADs do not work any better than a placebo for mild to moderate depression. That said, the placebo affect can be very strong, so it can be worth taking just for that!

Keep posting if it helps. Some of the posts can make for difficult reading when you are suffering with low mood, but they are meant with good intentions. Whilst there is no “pull yourself together” about it, sometimes a gentle kick up the bum can be what you need.