Help Me Decide what to do: DP and Outcalls, Escorts

[Dsw345]

Dear MNers,

Long time poster, nm for privacy. Help me decide what to do:

Been with DP for several years, mostly happy though obviously not perfect. In the beginning (first 3 months) I found on his search history that he was looking up Outcalls + (our area). I confronted, he said he just got off on looking at it. Had checked periodically and never saw anything again.

Last year, we were long distance for 4 months where I was commuting 2 weeks home/2 weeks HQ for work. Everything seemed fine and he gave me no reason for concern.

We have since moved to a new city where my work’s HQ is based. DP is talking about proposing to me by the end of this year.

Something in me made me look through his phone last week and I found from the time we were long distance, messages on his WhatsApp that were erased but the profile picture was of 2 slutty looking girls and another message that just had our flat number and address.

I’m wrecked. I tried to ask but he called me paranoid, invasion of privacy and blew up.

My previous ex-dh cheated on me so I don’t want to marry again if that’s what I’m setting myself up for.

Overall, since our move we have been happy and I don’t suspect he’s cheating.

My question;

1. Do I call those numbers and investigate? Does it sound like escorts?

1. Do I go more thoroughly through his phone and if there’s nothing in last 6 month I just move on

1. Do I let it go? If we are happy now, and maybe the change of location did us some good maybe it’s not worth knowing

Please help!

I'm sorry OP. They all say they were "just looking" and then when confronted with evidence they all get angry and call you paranoid, controlling, insane, unstable. Please know that it is all bullshit. Even if he didn't do anything the first time you found him searching for girls to do outcalls, he has since escalated and has definitely cheated on you at least once, and given the deleted messages it's probably a lot more than that. I would definitely caution you not to marry this man and end up tied to him, and please be wary of the fact he'll try to say you are "ruining" things, "imagining" things. He simply wants to have his cake and eat it too IMO. Your point 2 implies that you could forgive him if he "only did it once" 6 months ago or what have you but isn't it more likely that if he knows he got away with it once he'll just do it again and probably get better at hiding it? It's no way to live.

You are mad if you marry this person; and yes do you expect him to say he had escorts at his address, sorry OP, he's not going to admit to anything, from what you write, he has no problem cheating now and again; not a man I'd promise to love forever, perhaps hold back on the marriage front and tell him why, no trust, no relationship.

You won't find nothing now that he knows you are on to him.

I agree with Puddington OP, I'm so sorry

They all say they get off on looking - ALL of them. I have never once met the man for whom it ended there. They all went through with it. And when they went through with it once, they went through with it again.

I'm afraid to say I have reason to have spoken to a good number of women about this. I am one of those women.

Have you looked at his call logs? Whatsapp calls and other call logs? Other messaging/call apps? Honestly, don't go looking if you don't want to, I just know I had to know everything before I was done. I Googled so many phone number and eventually one came up as an escort in London. That's how I knew they all were.

But he was just getting off on the idea of arranging something, right? Then when I knew he'd arranged things (like you do with the address in his messages) he was just getting off on the idea of going through with it, but didn't. Be prepared; next in the story comes, "I went there, but I couldn't actually do anything, I couldn't get it up" - that's when you check his bank statements and see the money being withdrawn. Then comes, "I struggled really hard and managed to get it up, but it was just blow-jobs", and so the story goes.

So if that’s the case, I need to know for sure. Not to have him confess but for me to feel like it’s not the paranoid baggage I’m carrying but that he actually did it.

If I have those two numbers, should I text them? What could I say to pretend to be a customer? Or just call and see who answers but I doubt they’ll be like , thanks for calling XYZ Agency.

If I post one of the numbers here, the one that had no picture and just our address, could someone more brave than me call it or tell me what to text?

So what should I do next? I know in my heart that I won’t be able to walk away unless I find proof for myself. I don’t need him to confess I just need to see it for myself.

The only reason why I’m doubting is I was so traumatized by ex dh- I didn’t realize he had cheated on me until after the divorce and it all came out. I went to therapy, worked on trusting and can’t tell now if this is my mind or him

OP I don't think you're going to get your answers that way. Perhaps a man could call it rather than a woman as I think they are wise to things like this.

In any event - He's gaslighting you and defensively trying to turn it round on you. In my opinion, this makes it almost certain that he's done things he shouldn't have.

Oh gosh, I really feel for you OP, i know exactly how you feel. Part of me wants to say, "don't worry, maybe it isn't what you think", but I can't say that in good conscience; I would just be trying to make you feel better

have you tried Googling the numbers? I tried to phone one of the numbers once but I couldn't speak when it was answered; I just sat there in mawkish silence until they hung up.

Do you have access to any of his tech? I found Google location history on his Android phone to be particularly devastating. I feel so weird advising snooping, but all I know is I did it. I couldn't have stopped myself if I'd tried. And I'm not sorry.

Didn't wanna read and run.

I think you need to find out and Googling the numbers might help or use a new sim and old phone with another WhatsApp set up with a male pic and msg one the numbers maybe.

Tbh with what you’ve found already I would assume he has done exactly what you fear and act accordingly. There’s enough proof there already if you know anything about how these men operate. He is a punter, a man who pays for the use of a woman’s body and if that’s not ok with you (and it absolutely shouldn’t be) he’s not the man for you. I’m so sorry

Ok. First of all, 'normal' women don't have profile pics like that. They are lures. Escort agencies don't use WhatsApp or others, they are used by scam artists from reputable dating sites, again it's usually all a con. Sending your address to someone is a clear sign of intent, DO NOT buy the excuses like 'I just wanted a laugh, if they turned up I'd have claimed someone tricked them' or similar bull. These women, IF they even turn up, demand payment in advance. Does he have a separate bank account? Could you check statements etc?
I'm very sorry, but he is a lying, cheating scumbag who doesn't deserve you. He will try to blame you, claiming he was lonely while you were away, or you chose to work away and he 'has nèeds' or similar. Again, don't buy that crap. He has proven at least 2x that he is willing to cheat on you, even to pay for it, and even if 150per hour (1000 for overnight, more for 2 girls, even more for anything kinky or wild) is something affordable to him, is that the man you wish to be with?
Best advice, dump his sorry ass and leave him with his hookers, get an STD check just to be safe, and don't let anyone treat you like that, you are worth so much more.

Just looking would be scrolling through girls on websites. Not look for outcalls.

I think you should put your big girl pants on and ring the number.

It would be very stupid indeed to ignore such clear evidence he’s cheating with prostitutes.

Don’t make the same mistake again.

Doesn’t look good OP. What possible reason would he be giving your address to a girl who looks seductive? I’m sorry but I think you hit the nail on the head. He’s blaming you calling you names to deflect from what he’s done

Is it a violation of MN if I post the two numbers and you girls help me with google to see if we can find something online?

If I’m doing some snooping what should I be looking for? He has his phone on total lockdown. I know the code but no way to take a look at it because he always has it on him

PM me if you'd like, I'll see what Google throws up.

I don't imagine MN would like that. You have no idea what the numbers are. Maybe if you PM someone. But googling is googling, have you tried yourself?

It’s not really fair on the girls.

Just google " reverse phone book" and put the number in. It tells you who it is.

You’re right, it’s not fair to post but thank you to those that PMed me. I looked and couldn’t find anything on them through google

OP, it is clear you have already lost trust in him and from his behavior it looks like he deserves it. He betrayed you once and instead of doing everything to regain your trust and keep it he engages in more shady behavior.

At this point staying with him will probably have you spinning all sorts of scenarios in your head about what he could be up to. Do you really want to spend your time and attention on that? Personally, I'd say no man is worth that kind of preoccupation.

Could they be escorts from adultwork? Check the profiles on there for the area he was living in when you were long distance and see if the profile pics/numbers are there.
If you contact them then just send a simple text like “are you available tomorrow for a booking?”

DP is talking about proposing to me by the end of this year.
I worried about this. Big of him. Dangling a carrott..end of year...if you fall into line...
It's 2018, he's not a prize to bestow upon you.
He should be begging to marry you, not dangling a 'maybe if you're lucky and treat me well'. Ugh!

This is no way to live your life OP.
Decent men don’t have this kind of crap in their phone.
He is cheating, has cheated or is planning to cheat.
If you really are thet keen to have full proof, ask him for full mobile phone records covering the period you were long distance, including itemised details of all numbers he was in touch with.
I am a man and if I was asked for this, I would provide it straight up as I have zilch to hide.
He should too.
Unless, that is, he has been cheating, in which case he will moan, try gaslight you and generally get very defensive. 100 per cent he will do this because he has been cheating.

I thought that too, Diana. Who says "I will propose to you by the end of the year"? Surely that's actually a proposal, isn't it? It seems a callous thing to say.