I think I need to leave

[mindisamess]

I've NCd for this as have a few RL friends on MN & coupled with my previous posts, could be really outing.

In a nutshell, I've 90% made up my mind to leave my DH of just 12 weeks.

I'm heartbroken, I truly am, but feel like we are on completely separate planets.

Our sex life was great for the first 2 years of our relationship, however since we got engaged (18 months ago) & married (12 weeks ago), we've had sex in total 5/6 times, including various weekends away, holidays, honeymoon. We've had sex twice since we got married.

I would not classify myself as someone with a particularly high sex drive at all but I cannot cope with, initially being rejected, and now, the fear of being rejected.

We've had so many conversations surrounding this - he's assured me time in, time out, he loves me, finds me attractive but has blamed various stresses eg work. He went to a private counsellor for 4 months to help him manage this stress better.

He's very affectionate, cuddly, touchy feely with me & we have each other on Find My Friends (hobby/safety related - not control!!) so I am fairly certain he's not having an affair.

Since our relationship started, he has always been very broody and since we got married, has been bringing paint charts home for a nursery, has created a "baby fund" with decent money in it, if I'm eating Brie for example, might joke to enjoy it whilst I can as won't be eating it whilst I'm pg.

Again, we've had so many conversations around how I'm not the Virgin Mary, I'll get messages saying how sorry he is that we missed the window this month, we'll try again next month. I've said I'm happy to go back on BC, I have really bad periods so more comfortable for me, he's really insistent that we keep "trying."

I've told him numerous times it's not an issue, I'd prefer us to get back to "normal" & let it happen naturally.

Anyway, straw that broke the camels back...

I met a friend for a drink after work yesterday, he was home before me and on the sofa.
I went into the bedroom to get changed, bed had obviously been laid on, iPad was on his bedside table & the top drawer (with KY & tissues in) ajar.
Didn't say anything.

Anyway, today when he went to work, I went on his iPad, safari was open but all history had been deleted, so clearly very obvious what he'd been looking at.

I got home at 8.30 last night so not late enough for him to be "too tired" if he was in the mood for something.

I laid in bed last night thinking that I don't actually know if I want to have sex with him anymore at all, even if he did want it. I don't know if I find him attractive anymore, I think I'm starting to see him more as a housemate as this is what he essentially is.

I don't want to go the rest of my life being celibate. I want children. We've had so many conversations around this but things just don't change. I'm fed up of feeling unattractive & unwanted.

I'm a size 6, athletic, late 20s, I try my best to be the best partner to him. I just don't know if I can continue like this.

How do I know if I have fallen out of love with him? How do I go about splitting? We live around 300 miles from my family so not a case of staying there for a bit.

Ps thank you to anyone who is still there at the end of that, it's a long one.

It is odd that your sex life was great for the first 2 years but since you got engaged it went downhill.

You need to be sure you want to stay with him before having kids so i would go on BC and see how it goes. (Obviously tell him)

Where do you stand financially? Are you renting? Or own and if own in both names?

Could you afford to stay living where you are now particularly considering if you work there? Or if not could you apply for jobs back in home town and move back home?

A lot to consider definitely.

Regarding the sex, I'll probably get flamed but in all honesty, it sounds like either he has a serious porn addiction issue or he's gay.

I'm not one of those mners that's particularly anti porn. I understand the ethical issues around it but there is some that's produced relatively ethically and that's not really the issue here. But porn addiction can lead to difficulties performing, only wanting certain types of sex etc.

Is your objection to porn generally why he may have wiped his history? Or if not is it possible it's because of the specific kind of porn he's watching?

Which could indicate addiction/fetish issues but could also be because he's watching gay porn.

Personally I tend to be the type to tackle things "head on" it saves time and confusion.

I'd be asking him outright if he's gay, or if he has a fetish or possibly addiction to porn. Because only when you have the truth do you have a hope in hell of resolving!

And if he's gay, then you deserve the truth so you can end the relationship guilt free and move on, difficult though that will be.

Honestly I wouldn't have married someone where we'd had sex only 3/4 times in a year!

Sex isn't everything BUT it is the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship, without it you're just friends/flat mates that's not a relationship.

You certainly can't go on as you are, not least because to conceive you NEED to have sex and not just at supposed high fertility times.

I remember seeing dr winston (famous fertility expert) on telly many years ago, he said he found that most were simply not having sex anywhere near enough. And you guys certainly aren't. And it doesn't sound like its reluctance to ttc on his part as he doesn't want you taking bc.

I wonder if he thinks this is the only way he can be a father if he's gay, or if he thinks this is the easiest way (for him)?

Anyhow, yes I think you need to talk directly to him.

There are far worse possibilities than the “maybe he’s gay” scenario.
Maybe he’s a paedophile and wishes to knit his own future victims.
Maybe he only married you because he intends to murder you for the life insurance....
Jokes apart, honestly OP, it’s pointless asking people on MN about this. You need to have a serious talk with your husband about where your marriage is going, and whether you want to remain in it or not.
But I’d be very wary of having kids with this man until you’ve sorted out exactly what IS going on. There are enough sad threads on here from poor frustrated wives who haven’t had sex for ten years - don’t become one of them.

@Graphista

I'm lucky in that I have some money saved up, around 10k.
He owns the house, technically, and he pays for the mortgage, I pay for council, electric, gas, food etc.

So could get out easily should I want to.

I am self employed so do have flexibility about moving should I want to and part of me wishes to stay in the area as I've got some lovely friends here now too. It's a decision I really need to think about.

Regarding the porn, it's more the fact that he tells me he's too tired/stressed for sex/ttc but is happy enough to watch that whilst I'm out.

My parents split up due to my F's use of prostitutes so using porn instead of wanting me hits a bit close to home. I have no issues with ethically made porn but we've had conversations around it before (although not about his use) & he's said he's not a fan.

In terms of being gay, this is something I've questioned but would surprise me. Due to hobby, I have a lot of gay friends & if he is, he hides it extremely well.

We've had so many conversations around sex and now that I've got to the stage where I don't even care anymore, I think it's best if we split.

I have no idea what to tell friends & family, or even how to broach it with him.

@Babdoc that's the thing, we've had so many of these conversations & we still don't get anywhere. I just need a hand hold. It's so heartbreaking as we are otherwise happy and he's a great person. He's very kind & loving, supportive, and I'm fed up of feeling unwanted.

If you've decided to split then tell him exactly how you feel and your decision. You can tell everyone else whatever you want. I split up with my boyfriend of nearly a decade around the same age as you. No issues other than I was no longer in love with him so didn't want to get married and start a family with him. Friends and family were sad but understood and he went on to marry and have kids a few years later. It is really hard to split up from someone who is nice but no longer in love with but it's the fairest on everybody.

Ahhh... porn addict with a death grip problem.
Great.
This will never improve while he's wanking away all the time.
But it sounds to me like you've just lost interest now.
He's not making an effort.
You can't fix this all on your own.
You are young enough to start again.
I'd go for that option.
And for goodness sake, get back on BC.
You do not want to bring a child into this.

he pays for the mortgage, I pay for council, electric, gas, food etc

But you both named on the mortgage? If not you need to sort that out.

Sorry, didn't mean to sidestep the real issue.

we've had so many of these conversations & we still don't get anywhere

It sounds as though you have tried to communicate about it. Surely, next time he mentions something about a baby just be very blunt and say 'Well, that's never going to happen if we don't have sex."

Would he consider going to see a sex therapist (as a couple?) or does he find talking about it embarrassing?

Either way, you deserve to be happy. I don't think anyone would blame you for leaving.