Don't think I can allow myself to be happy

[eatingtomuch]

I met my now exH when I was 18. We had a good relationship in the early years and have two DC. After our second child sex become non existent, also any kind of physical contact between us. It was raised and discussed occasionally, but never improved. I think we both loved each other but more like friends.

My mum died 10 years ago, my then husband supported me on a practical level but not emotionally. Three months after my mum has died I found out my husband had a gambling problem. I only found out due to the debt, it has got to a point where he could not hide it.

I spent five years trying to help him. The deceit and lies around the gambling continued. It got to a point where we would have lost everything (equity in house etc). I decided I had to walk away. It was a huge shock to family and friends because I had not told anyone about his gambling, it had become both our secret. I had initially done this because I truly believed I could help him and the longer it went on the harder it became to share (I now know that was a mistake).

So we divorced, I had to sell and move house to a different area as could not afford to stay in the same area. In the middle of moving and the divorce my son was diagnosed with a long term life threatening condition.

I stayed single for over three years, my focus was my children and rebuilding our lives together. I also work full time in a demanding job, so I was kept busy.

I decided something was missing in my life. I was the happiest I'd felt in years so decided to try dating.

I had fun met some lovely men for coffee and enjoyed online dating.

In May this year I met a lovely man. It felt different from others I had met. There are no red flags, he has not put any pressures on me and we are plodding along nicely going on some lovely dates and I am really enjoying spending time with him.

So here's my problem I feel so low in myself. I feel tired and just totally drained with life. I'm working full time, have two teens at home (one with a medical problem). The kids are happy and settled in school, we have settled into our home and area. We do lovely things together as a family, our relationships are good. I feel I should be happy and singing from the rooftops, but I'm not.

I'm starting to wonder if I can't allow myself to be happy for fear of it all going wrong again.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance this will pass and I can enjoy the moment.

It could be psychological, almost a self defeating thing. Or the fact that you've fought for so long you don't know what to do now you don't need to.
But first I'd look at physically. Get to the GP and ask for a full workover. And mention your low mood, can they refer you to see a counselor so you can process everything

It's a post traumatic thing isn't it? You had all that stress and you just need to rest, lie low and recover for however long it takes.

I thinking it might be psychological. It was incredibly stressful and my son falling ill in the middle of it all was awful (think I'm still coming to terms with that). Through it all I continued to work and just kept going. Everyone around me at the time was amazed how I managed, I have literally started again.

I'm so proud of my kids, our relationship and the resilience they have shown, which is why I'm finding it hard to understand why I'm feeling like this now.

I have a GP appointment in a few weeks, I will discuss how I'm feeling, full blood test might be a good idea.

I have explained to my new partner and he has also said that it is probably the first time in years I have relaxed and the past ten years have hit me. Thankfully he is happy to take things at my pace and adds no additional pressure at the moment.

I think there are two types of freedom. There is the physical freedom, where you can come and go and do as you please.
Then comes the psychological freedom, which isn't so easy to achieve.
This psychological freedom isn't easy to achieve, because people don't know why they are feeling a particular way and therefore needs some introspection and self enquiry.
This introspection can be facilitated by a counsellor, group therapy or through self help.

My advice is try to be authentic to your true nature.

I'm glad that your DP is empathetic to your needs OP.

Noego I think you're right. I am finding it hard to understand why I feel like this now, it makes no sense (when everything in my life is so good).

Will look at what support I can get. Thank you

It makes perfect sense that you're only feeling like this now. You simply couldn't have felt like this and kept going before so your brain and body goes NO!! BOG OFF CRAP FEELINGS. I'M FULL!!
If you pour food colouring into a jug that has a constant torrent of water running into it you won't see the food colouring. Or if you do it's so pale as to be insignificant.
Turn them both off and that small bit of food colouring is still quite pale to start with. Let it settle and the food colouring sinks to the bottom and becomes obvious. That's what your stress is like - the water was flowing too fast, you were constantly over run emotionally. Now things are settling. Most of your water is in a new jug but you need time and a filter to fully deal with all that food colouring

Wait -- before you started dating, you described yourself as feeling: "the happiest I'd felt in years".

But since you've met your new partner, you're now really depressed.

It might be PTSD, or it might be the new bloke, mightn't it?

Slightly random, but have you gone on the Pill or anything hormonal since you met him?

Whatsgoing I have wondered if I'm feeling like this due to my new partner, or just the fact I'm in a relationship. If that is the reason it's down to my insecurities. It's difficult to believe/understand why anyone wants to be with you when you have been in a loveless marriage for 19 years (11 years no physical contact). My new partner is very tactile and I think that is taking some getting used to (I must add in private not inappropriately in public).

I described myself as the happiest I'd been in years to demonstrate I felt ready to date. This was due to kids being happy and settled in new house and doing well at school, I had control of my finances (managed to save and take us on holiday), I have zero debt, managing the house/work/kids/finances. I felt in a good place, but I was lonely, I missed having adult conversation like you have with a partner. Me and my ex did talk we were good friends.

I must add I do have lots of friends and some very close friends who have been amazingly supportive. I am very lucky in that sense and don't take it for granted. But also appreciate they have their own lives and don't want to be a burden.

As part of starting over I joined Meetup groups and kept myself busy. I've extended my friendship groups over the years I was single.

That's why I'm finding it hard to understand why I can't shake myself out of this, I have on the past.

Contraception is an interesting idea. I've never previously had adverse effects. That is what my GP appointment is primarily about so will explore further.

Oh God it took me so long to realise my pill caused my depression.

If you've had a good break from it and the last time you were on it you were in an unhappy relationship are you totally sure it didn't affect your mood? I went on it at 16 for periods, it took me coming off at 22 and going back on when I got with DP to realise my moods had gone back down

Contraception is an interesting idea. I've never previously had adverse effects. That is what my GP appointment is primarily about so will explore further.

Cool! Are you on a new/different pill at the moment?

Yes, I have started taking the pill again after many years off them. To be honest not been on the pill since my teens.

Considering the marina coil which is what my appointment at the doctors is for. Feel a bit nervous now if that is what could be effecting my mood.

I think it's def worth swapping out. If the coil isn't for you I found the mini pill much better for me as its different balance of hormones. I was advised against implant etc as if it did have the same effect it would take to long to get out my system