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Original poster

How paranoid would you be..?

50 replies

Issy777 · 02/10/2018 23:02

My bf is working away next week with a woman that in the past has liked/come onto him...
I'm quite fragile at the best of times and also have GAD so I'm just really worrying
It's just him and her, usually there's a team or more than 2 but because it's just him and her I feel ill at the thought..,
He did say he'll have to go to dinner with her but isn't that just so weird? A woman that's not your partner having a sit down dinner with them? I tried to suggest to him imagine what it'd be like if I went to a sit down meal with a male colleague but he said it's different for women
Just want to know if anyone else would be ok with this or not?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 09:03

This is just bizzare. What do you mean you're glad to see you're not over reacting when nearly every person has told you you are.

Alfiemoon1 · 03/10/2018 09:28

Everyone is saying you are over reacting op. Which may not be your fault due to your anxiety but you have to learn a way to cope with it. It’s your problem not hers and if you don’t trust your partner to sit and have dinner with a work colleague should you be in a relationship with him ?

Notacluewhatthisis · 03/10/2018 09:32

Threads like this are odd.

OP, he is a dick. I see why you don't trust him.

But it's not this womans fault or anything to do with her. She came on to a man who was single. She did this 3 year's ago. It's non of your business.

If you are going to make attempts to control him or expect him to treat his work colleague different from everyone else, because she came onto him 3 years ago, you shouldn't be with him.

You shouldn't be in this relationship. Controlling someone or expecting them to act certain ways because of your GAD is controlling them. It's not ok.

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 09:38

OP, he is a dick. I see why you don't trust him

Well you're going to have to explain it to everyone else. He's allowed to go away with work and it's normal to have dinner with your colleague, it doesn't make him a dick.

NerdyBird · 03/10/2018 09:41

The reason why people don't believe she came on to him is that it's an age-old tactic to try and deflect from the fact it was the other way around.
His form for cheating and sexist attitudes also don't strike me as chiming well with a man who was shocked at a woman coming on to him.
I also don't understand why he'd tell you if you were split up at the time.

I think you'd be better off with someone who is not a cheating sexist.

pigeondujour · 03/10/2018 09:55

it doesn't make him a dick.

No that bit doesn't, but the fact he thinks it wouldn't be okay for OP/'a woman' to do it, coupled with his history of cheating, plus telling OP, who's already insecure and anxious due to aforementioned cheating, about a female colleague 'coming onto him', plus his general abhorrent sexism, definitely does.

Bellendejour · 03/10/2018 09:55

I work with a guy that came onto me a few times. I could happily go on a work trip with him/have dinner together and nothing would happen.

I also work with my boyfriend. One of his staff came on to me at a works do (he didn’t know me and my BF were going out as we were keeping it secret at that point) and we just laugh about it.

There is at least one girl we work with that I know fancied my BF and is still quite flirty, she is generally flirty though.

You have to think he’s with me and not let the thoughts/worries/catastrophisong take hold. I know that’s not easy but it’s somethinf you need to do to have a healthy relationship.

Though his double standards and sexism would make me think twice anyway. Was the cheating really forgivable? How did that unfold?

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 10:00

Well to be fair on the cheating it was in the early days when th y wer at uni, so likely teenagers. I mean yes th comment on it being different for a woman is stupid, but calling it abhorrent sexism is a bit much.

If this woman did hit on him do you think he shouldn't have told the op due to her anxiety?

I think you're going over the top a bit really. Bottom line is nothing happened, and it's fine to go away with work and have dinner with a colleague.

Alfiemoon1 · 03/10/2018 10:26

Not excusing it but he cheated in the early stages of the relationship the op has chosen to stay in the relationship rightly or wrongly. So shouldn’t be used as excuse for him not to be able to do his job. As it is the norm and probably expected by his employer that the 2 colleagues would eat together
If he was currently acting dodgy showing signs of cheating it would be different
Personally I think the op is winding herself up unnecessarily if she has no other reason not to trust her partner other than the woman drunkenly coming on to him which was years ago and despite being single he rejected

Although I don’t agree with his attitude that it’s different for the op or women

Littlechocola · 03/10/2018 10:54

I’ve had dinner with colleagues on work trips and I’ve never slept with them. Go me!

Stop blaming her for your insecurities. He is a dick.

MrsGB2225 · 03/10/2018 10:59

I’ve had LOADS of dinners with male colleagues on away jobs in my time. They are generally boring as you’ve been together all day and you end up talking about work. I wouldn’t worry.

Original poster

Issy777 · 03/10/2018 16:33

Ok just a FYI the girl who came into him was ENGAGED at the time so she's not all innocent.. I know for a fact she did come on to him cos he didn't tell me directly his parents did, long story short they mentioned his work do and thought I knew about it (we weren't together at the time but we share a child so I was usually going to his parents to pick her up etc) n I just playfully mentioned it to him n he said yeah she was basically groping him, pulling him to dance with her and tried to kiss him!! Again, was drunk but apparently has a name for herself getting off with men at her work even though she is now married...

He was 19 when he cheated n it was a woman online he was talking to ended up meeting n snogging her I found msgs, it was terrible we had a break but forgave him as we weren't exactly serious compared to what we have now esp

Yeah I'm mega paranoid about him as he has the gift of the gab!! He's so charming n I guess I know a lot of women fall for him etc

I just wanted to hear opinions on if other ppl would be worried in the same scenario - obviously I can't stop him I know it's his work n he's gonna go for dinner with her wether I like it or not

OP posts:

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 16:38

When I got married years ago, a wise woman told me never to make new friends with or confide in someone who could be your next spouse.

Part of the contract of my marriage is that neither of us are allowed to go to lunch or dinner or coffee 1:1 with someone who technically could replace us, so if we are having a shitty time at home, we can never be in the position of having "just a friend" ready to listen, empathise and shag!

Original poster

Issy777 · 03/10/2018 16:42

@Haireverywhere

OMG I love this!!! I bet you will get some stick for this on here but that's EXACTLY what me n my partner did too!! We made an agreement to not go out without each other n he doesn't ever go out with mates, n same with me we go out as a couple

However, this is sadly the nature of his work being forced to socialise with women so there's nothing I can do really, last time he did really reassure me and FaceTimed me etc I'm just hoping he does it this time
I don't wanna control him but I just remind him that he wouldn't allow me to socialise with men from work so think about how I feel
Lucky for him, I have a job where I work with more women anyway and it's a 8-4pm job so I don't have to work away etc

OP posts:

ferrier · 03/10/2018 16:50

'Doesn't ever go out with mates'? Seriously?!
I'd be out of that relationship faster than Usain Bolt. It's a recipe for disaster.

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 16:52

Oh no OP sorry if I misled you. We go out without each other with friends, just not 1:1 dinners etc with a potential next spouse, as per Shirley Glass and Beverley Stone.

Notacluewhatthisis · 03/10/2018 16:59

Bluntness100 He is a sexist dick.

Ok never going out with his mates without you isn't healthy. You use words like 'he won't allow' and 'I don't want to control him but'. You are modelling really unhealthy relationships to your child.

And it's isn't helping your anxiety. Is it? It's not making your trust him more.

You say the woman coming onto him wasn't unusual or outrageous. But then create such a fuss over it.

H1dingInSight · 03/10/2018 17:42

Haireverywhere - so you both agreed not to meet anyone of the opposite sex 1-2-1? I guess if you’re both happy then it’s fine, but I’d hate that.

H1dingInSight · 03/10/2018 17:43

Or did you mean something else by “potential next spouse”?

MarthasGinYard · 03/10/2018 17:46

'We made an agreement to not go out without each other n he doesn't ever go out with mates, n same with me we go out as a couple'

Is this how you choose to live?

Really?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2018 17:47

Well he sounds like a sexist dick but there is nothing wrong with having dinner with a colleague, regardless of sex

dirtybadger · 03/10/2018 17:54

I would find it seriously weird if I warmed to someone as a friend, from work or something, and they wouldn't meet up with me without their spouse (who I don't know!?) there. Each to their own I guess. What happens if you are friends with someone your DP doesn't like, you want to take up a hobby they dont care for, or visa versa? Apologies the idea is distracting as it's very novel to me.

OP if they're going away for work it would be odd and a bit rude to refuse to have dinner with her over what happened years ago whilst she was drunk. She was probably mortified. Especially if she was engaged! There's nothing to suggest she's carried on hitting on him after that....?

If he said she was always flirting and making a move I would hope my DP would have the sense to report it to HR and not to be sent away with her with a risk of continuing harassment. But in the absence of that, seems fine.

MrsGB2225 · 03/10/2018 18:41

What do you even have to talk about if you don’t go out separately?! Do you both have any friends left? Sounds suffocating.

Cheddarsmedders · 04/10/2018 08:14

*We made an agreement to not go out without each other n he doesn't ever go out with mates, n same with me we go out as a couple

However, this is sadly the nature of his work sad being forced to socialise with women*

Where do you even start with this?

OP - I’m not sure what you want from this thread but I suspect you wanted us all to agree with you in order to further validate your controlling and toxic relationship. No one agrees.

This is sad :( you both deserve to be happy and have friends and be in a relationship with trust and love.

Mother196 · 08/10/2018 14:42

😂no it's not different for women, it's the same because for a man that will upset him the same as a women, do not take his excuses, if the man doesn't want you doing something then he can't do the same thing because you don't like it same goes the other way round, fairs fair.

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