Stuck in hell

[lonelyjane]

Loveless marriage, has been for 7 of 9 years of marriage, we have an 8 year old, not slept together for over 4, I'm to blame for everything, I have no say, we do not go out together because he will always pick an argument with me or someone random in a park or on a bus, I'm always told how to behave or speak in public if we're together. Now I can't even speak or have an opinion in my own house, told to f"" off in earshot of my son tonight, just because I spoke...I have no family, no friends even remotely nearby, I work full time and pay 1/2 of everything, and do everything around the house, but cannot afford to live anywhere even close, he will fight me to the death to keep our son, it's like an obsession, as if he relies on him for any feeling of love.
If I leave, I will have to live very far away, and may never see my son again, and will be accused of this that and the other...I have done nothing wrong, I detest him and have no desire to stay married.

Been in similar situation to yours five years ago, threats that I could only leave without my son. No talk of compromise etc.
Five years on I have my own house, good job, freedom and piece of mind. My son is sleeping soundly next to me right now. Still sees his father (weekends).
I won’t lie it was hard to get here but I took it day by day with my end goal in sight.
You must do this too for you and your son.
Woman’s aid, talk to friends, get any support you can. Are you the primary carer ?

Make sure you are the primary care giver, talk to a solicitor, cover you tracks, especially on line, talk to women's aid and get out.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

You deserve much more.

If he is violent or abusive call the police when safe to do so.

If your house is shared then you would need to sell it and get half, you would both need to downsize, if you rent you can leave the tenancy when it is up or make other arrangements and you would both need to rent elsewhere.

I also think you need to start making some friends for back up and support. This will be hard as he has probably purposely isolated you.

Please get help. Do not show your hand until you know what you will do.

"I have no family, no friends even remotely nearby." Does that mean you do have friends or family elsehwere?

Please do speak to women's aid, they may be a good source of support for you while you plan your and your son's escape.

It's so important you speak to Womens Aid - local office here . They are the experts and will help and support you all the way.

Men like this are full of the talk but when it comes down to it they don't have anything like the power they think they do - and have convinced you they do. They're a bit like the Wizard of Oz. All talk.

Loads and loads of us on here have got out of relationships like this with everything intact. Are you the primary carer?

Do you know how to cover your tracks online?

Speak to women's aid. Don't believe his hype about your son, as the previous poster says, this is how men like that trap you because it plays on your deepest fears but it will not happen. Reach out to as many people as possible and talk to them about your situation until you feel empowered enough to take the first step.

I think threatening you that u will have to leave without your son is just that a threat manipulating you to stay. Speak to a solicitor and woman’s aid find out if you are entitled to any benefits if you leave

You are being abused - call women's aid and speak to them, try and see a solicitor about your options. Do you own the house or is it rented ?

Can you speak to someone at work about your situation?

Do you have family and friends further afield?
Could you talk to any of them about this?
Could you move nearer them to get some support?
Do NOT leave your son with this abuser.

Talk to Womens Aid.
They can help with local solicitors who are clued up on dealing with abusive dickheads.
I would also suggest you talk to social services. Maybe Womens Aid can advise you on that.
They are busy but don't give up. Keep trying.
Their number will not appear on your phone bill!

Thank you you lovely women, I’m blown away by your support 😀 I live in London, so it’s a huge financial worry, my nearest friend is 150 miles away and my family don’t really seem to care and they’re 500 miles away. I can’t afford to rent and pay the bills/mortgage/au pair etc. I earn slightly more, but he paid more into the house deposit, he thinks he does more because he plays video games with our son and goes to church to qualify us having him in a church school, but I manage and pay for the 1/2 mortgage/homework/clothing/uniform/childcare/food/cleaning/car. And he pays for electric/internet/gas/water/insurance. He’s a bully and has grown increasingly controlling and is obsessive about the tiniest things, like hovering over my cooking and criticising every single thing the minute I walk in the door from a 12 hour day. He sits around waiting for his dinner, I sleep in a separate room, have done for over 4 years, I try to avoid him at all costs, but my son is well aware things aren’t right. He’s never seen a happy mummy. Things did come to a head some months ago, but it was unresolved, basically he’s waiting for me to give up, walk out and then he can blame me for everything, he’s already started criticising me with my son, which I do not stoop to. I thought he would throw the dinner at me last night, he has done this once before. There is not reason for this, he just hates and disrespects me (and women in general). He is drinking more too, not to an agressive or obvious level, but several glasses of wine a night, I barely drink.

I just want a lawyer...

Please call Women's Aid today.

Start to work out a budget without the non essentials, such as the au pair. You may need to go to a refuge for a while, that will give you time to make a plan to start again.

Ok. Firstly, take a deep breath. Calm. You are catastrophising. The very very least that would happen is 50/50 access ok? Your son is 8 and getting older. Not a newborn. Not a disaster. Your son at his age knows full well that you love him and what you do for him ok? Google rights for women. Call them tonight. They provide free legal advice. Call women’s aid. Get yourself informe. Research research. Google “family solicitor divorce” in your local area and book an appointment. Many do a free hour. Don’t assume anything. Why do you expect to have to leave the house? Not necessarily true. The church stuff..if your son is in school they won’t kick him out just because you don’t go to church. The fact your husband does won’t be a factor in custody arrangements. You need to work out what is real and what is fear talking. You can do this. Go see a solicitor and get facts written down x

There's some great advice on here already which I won't repeat. I just wanted to say you can do this. Honestly, you can.

Please don't let your son grow up thinking this is a normal way to treat women or he will repeat the cycle.

Please show your son you have the strength and self-respect to stand up to this bully.

I'm not saying it will be easy, but there is a lot of help available to get you away from this man. We are here and listening if we can help.

There was a poster on here a while ago who had a horrible bullying husband who secretly rented a house and moved herself and her children into it. She was in agonies for days before she left but she did it and it was inspiring. If anyone could link to the thread it might help to see how she did it.

@ohamIreally I know the one you mean, she was amazing. I've had a quick scroll back through but I can't remember the username. Can anyone else help? It might give lonelyjane some inspiration/advice.

Please don't let your son grow up thinking this is a normal way to treat women or he will repeat the cycle.

Yes. This is a certain.

Your boy is being abused by watching, living with, his mother being abused. Unbearably sad 😔