Feeling the rage about exh - any advice re: DC?

[Teabay]

Hi,
Divorced my exh two years ago. He is an idiot, but I put up with it for 15 yrs, which makes ME an idiot.

• He claimed child benefit for a year, even though they lived with me.
• He has been fraudulently claiming child tax credits for two years - only found out recently when I applied for it. Now it's in dispute...
• He won't pay for anything - nor provide a packed lunch for either of them when they go from his to school on a Monday.
• Latest - after driving for 30 mins to get to an activity for DC which happens every week (and I pay for up front) he took her out and brought her home when it hadn't been paid for yet - first session of term! He wouldn't loan £14 and take it off the CM! Upset DC.
• Just found that he's been applying for family membership to national trust in my name, and getting two cards, to use with other people (?!)
• Won't join school text service as it costs £5 per household, so he's no idea what's going on - this suits him.
• BUT rung school to claim BOTH of the two concert tickets allocated per family and delighted in not telling me.
• More worryingly, STILL drinks everyday, as reported by DC.
• Insists that all of THEIR belongings live at his house - clothes, toys, everything - following a birthday, they have to walk away and can't even bring their BOOKS in their school bag to read.
• Sold the piano (DC taking grade 4).
• And so on *And so on .

The DC go Fri night to Mon EOW. Is it unreasonable of me to reduce this to Fri night to Sun, or even Sat night? Neither want to go, both cry, but are ok mostly when there.
How bad does it have to be to reduce contact? How do I do that? I admit, I'm still a bit nervous of him. He just mocks me in text, calls me names to the DC - they are not even allowed to mention my name.
Do I need court, or can I just say that they're coming back early? I think there'll be a scene, that he'll physically hold onto them. They're both scared of him too.

Reduce contact. He sounds like a total tosser.

How old are the dc? You can reduce if no court order and the dc will support. He could take you to court which would involve a cafcass report and depending on their ages their feelings and wishes would be taken into account.

Thank you. They are 8 and 12. Are they old enough to be heard? There's no court order - he was removed from the only mediation session for being aggressive. I've asked him if he'll go to one with the DC, so they can speak to him and someone impartial (not me) will help them to be heard, but he has refused point blank.

First of all congratulations on no longer being married to this waste of space.

I think you need to do it by the book and take advice. In a way will be good not to put the children on the spot and force them to support reducing the contact. Even if they secretly do it would be better at 8 and 12 not to put them in a position where they compromise their relationship with their tosser of a father. I think they are still a bit too young for that.

Regarding school and things like them giving away your concert tickets can you go in and talk to them explain the situation and how little support he provides for example not signing up to the text service and see if they can make sure that things like that don't happen again?

Re school - I've tried, but the message doesn't always get through, I know they're always busy places, and unless you've been in this situation no-one really understands how hard it is!
I collected one DC from school after a residential visit in the summer, and he'd been too tight to lend a little case, and sent the belongings in a SUPERMARKET CARRIER BAG. Oh, and forgot to pack a drink, water bottle or packed lunch, do the teachers had to share what they had. I feel so ashamed.

I would get a free hours legal advice . While you can reduce contact if they are already at his he simply won’t return them .

The 12 year old would be heard . The 8 year old much lesss likely.

When is he drinking ?

Please involve your MP with the benefits issue.
When me and exh were in dispute - cf was fraudulently claiming - he got it sorted very quickly!!

Vile man.Sounds like he is still using the children to get back at you. Go through whatever is necessary to reduce the contact,but don't ever give him the satisfaction of knowing he's got to you.Well done for divorcing him

Drinking every day. 12 yr old says vodka & coke every night. Wine in the early afternoon too. Sometimes he 'nips to the shop' but is gone ages and only brings wine back. This is all reported to me by 12 yo, I have no other evidence. Whole bottle of wine each evening they are away on holiday.

If there is an effect on the children's behaviour that can be clearly seen at school then that is your only chance in writing to your ex and stating that it would be a good idea for you to pick your (plural) children up at 5pm on his weekends as the children need consistency on what house they go to school from every Monday morning. The reason for the 5pm pick up time is because the 8 year old needs time to unwind and go to bed at a reasonable time.

You cannot control his behaviour with them and what he does with them, so I suggest you stop getting wound up by it. The children will when they are teenagers take the piss out of the meaness of their father and may even do it in front of you, but you must not comment until they are in their 20s and working. In fact your best reaction is to ignore any piss taking in front of you or tell your children to behave themselves.

Crikey! What an absolute tosser!

Do the kids get anything out of seeing him? Is he, in any way, loving towards them?

I'd be tempted to reduce contact just to make him put his hand in his pocket to take you to court (that's not a helpful or mature response, I know)

I'd get advice re all this and of you can I'd reduce contact.

My concern about one saying they do not want to go is if the older one said no then would the 8 year old need to go alone?

He is a total waste of space.

If he is drunk in charge of the kids then that would be a worry for me. Is he driving them anywhere when drunk?

Sorry, this is crap.

Oh sorry OP what a terrible tosser. So tightfisted with his own kids, it's because he knows you will ensure they have every resource in advance. The only piece of advice I can give is to accept that he will not provide a lunch, activity money, case, kit and think ahead. What I mean is never wonder whether he might, just relax in the knowledge that will not happen. Otherwise he is still needling you.

Not providing lunch etc contributes to you wanting to take them to school every day? I agree do by the book, and I also agree worth doing!

Hi Op I Had the child tax crédits thing with XH too. HMRC then paid me CTC and 3 yrs later asked for it back as an overpayment as they believed my daughter lived with her dad not me. I have appealed but their decision has been uphold. Cannot get them to accept she lives with me, so be careful. My XH fights dirty and yours will too.
Mine also refused to give DD back to me after contact more than once too. The only way I could resolve it was to take him to court and get a Child Arrangemenr Order. Once you have this if he keeps the DC's the police can intervene and get them back for you.
Without it they will only check their welfare with their dad but can't remove them from him

Indie did you go to a Tribunal re the benefits?

@Thighofrelief no i didnt

Thank you everyone - this is all helpful advice. I think it's just the unfairness of it all, for them. I guess I'm annoyed that I'm being adult and reasonable about it all, and he's just not. I need to get to the part where I accept that he CAN'T be reasonable - I chose to leave and would rather live alone than with him - therefore I MUST PAY.
Most of the time I'm ok with this, probably about 90% of the time I'm grateful I have the DC and my life and new home - he bullied me out of the old one, and I sold it to him at a discount to be rid. I think that at times of financial stress I feel pissed off that he can be such a tight fisted git, and that it is his DC, not me, who are suffering, but again, it is me who MUST PAY!
Anyone who's been through similar - how many years until you felt fully extricated from your ex?

Indie I've taken things to tribunal twice and once asked for it to be judged on paperwork alone. I won both times as I was correct, just couldn't get anyone to listen properly and see sense. Sorry to derail.

@Teabay ive been split from mine six and a half years and I still can't properly extricate myself. He still thinks we're a 'family'

My stbxh is an ass like yours. I have had to fight for every penny i have!! thats not easy when hes self employed and in charge of how much he works and what he puts through the books!!
I think there unfortunately are a lot of men out there that want to get to their ex through the children and financially, its the last stroke of control they have!
Personally i wouldn't try to reduce contact, i think you will just be having a different set of issues. Eg he will refuse to return them Sunday !!! He will just find control over you another way!
Remember he just wants to annoy you, you have to find a way of it not annoying you! I have to work around my stbxh uselessness!!

Monday mornings pay for your children to have a school meal, they will love this esp if they uselly have a lunch box. They will know you sorted this out and it will give you more brawny points with the kids.
Except that the children wont be bringing home their toys etc etc. Yes it will upset the children but the children know this is him not you!! I dont allow my children to take toys as they are deliberately not returned, if they insist i remand them that they may not come back, they then make that choice.
All the financial stuff will work it self out, it just takes a lot of time. You really have no control over what happens in his house, this is a very hard thing to let go i (i know).
Also if you do get to reduce contact, through the courts they may suggest a weeknight tea contact, so basically your just shifting the problem to another day if you know what i mean.

I think it takes 4 years for things to settle after a long marriage.

Thank you everyone - especially the point that if the DC reduce the frequency of overnight EOW visits from 3/14 to it will just shift the problem to midweek. They originally went for tea on a Wed and Sun, but he phoned and said it wasn't working for him (!) as there wasn't much time on a Wed, after he'd picked up from B&A and the eldest went to Guides at 7pm and the little one was ready for bed (so like it is for every other parent on every night of the week, then?) And the Sundays "got in the way of his weekend". I kid you not - I even recorded him. But of course, he NEVER SAID THAT.
God, I hope the simpering school run friend who still sides with him is on Mumsnet is reading this and identifies him - HE'S A LIAR, YOU MUG! HE'S MUGGING YOU OFF NIW WITH HIS WOE IS ME!!

Lots of rageful typos there 🤣